(no subject)
Yesterday was a really hard day for me. I don't know why, but it was. I was really depressed all day and all I felt like doing was crying. I had to get my shit together for work, so I had to pretend to be really happy. That sucked. After I got off I hung out with Kyle. I hadn't really seen him in like 2 months. I wasn't allowed to talk to him while I was with James. I missed Kyle. He came and got me from work, then we went to the pool hall. I sat there while Kyle, Brandi, and Russ played darts. I showed Kyle my arm & we started talking about it. It's kind of a sore subject and I started getting depressed again. I told him about everything that had happened while I was with James. He started to get pissed off and he wants to kick his ass. As much as I would love to see that, it's just not worth it. James is not going to get any more of my time. He doesn't deserve it. He deserves nothing more from me. He's already gotten too much. I wanted to cry so bad as I was talking to Kyle, but he told me I needed to smile. He said that I'm even prettier when I smile, so how could I not? I was doing good, until this song came on that James (the first James) said reminded him of me. I just lost it and started crying. We left shortly after that and went to Denny's so that they could play spades. I sat there for about 2 & 1/2 hours blankly staring outside. All I wanted to do was cry. Kyle's ex showed up & she doesn't like me and Kyle wanted to make her jealous. He kept trying to get me to kiss him in front of her to piss her off. I told him that all I had to do to piss her off was be there. I was right. The whole time they were together she thought I wanted to hook up with him. Regardless of whether I wanted to or not I could have. I could hook up with Kyle whenever I wanted. That's not what I want tho. I dunno. Anyway. I had my binder with me that I always write in and I made Kyle listen to some of the things that I've written. I think in the whole time I've known Kyle he was speechless for the first time. He said that my shit was really deep and really depressing. Most of it is about how James made me feel, so I'm sure you could only imagine. After I got back here I just started crying. Josh tried to make me feel better by giving me a hug and telling me everything would be ok. I tried really hard to stop crying and I did for a minute. I went outside and started writing some more. I was sitting on the stairs. Jamie was leaving and I wasn't sure that he was even going to say anything to me. I looked up at him and he said "What's up?" I could tell immediately that something was wrong. I didn't want to say anything tho because I didn't know if it was any of my business. I guess he could tell that something was wrong too, cause he asked me what was wrong. So we started talking and he told me that someone in his family that he was very close to passed away. Just hearing the way he talked about this person made me very sad. This person helped raise him and now they are gone. I knew that no matter what I said I couldn't make it better. I had never seen Jamie like that and it made me sooo sad. I wanted to cry, but at that very moment I felt like I had to be strong for him. I gave him a hug and Josh's # so that he can get a hold of me. I wanted to do more, but I didn't know what to do. As soon as I came back inside I started crying again. I couldn't help it. I kind of feel like crying right now. I guess I've written enough tho, so I'm going to go.