In Loving Memory of Amanda Joyce...
Nine years.
It's been nine years since my little sister, Amanda Joyce, slipped quietly from this life. April 3, 1997 at 6:23 AM. She was 24 years old.
Sometimes, it feels like it was yesterday - the memory of her passing is still so vivid in my mind. Every single aspect of that day, and the week which preceded it, each minute detail, every stolen moment, is ingrained in my memory. On March 31st of 1997, there was an unexpected snowstorm which stranded all of us at the hospital but turned out to be a blessing in disguise because the following day, Amanda regained consciousness for the first time in several weeks. She spent the first of April with her family and her boyfriend, Pat, laughing as I have come to remember her. On the second of April, she slipped away from us, in to a state of unconsciousness, and ultimately left us behind in the pre-dawn hours of April 3rd.
And other days, it feels like it's been forever since I've heard her voice, felt her presence, laughed with her, teased her about whether she had a boyfriend yet...
Today, it feels like a mix of "forever and yesterday" since I last saw my sister. Forever since I was graced with her peppery personality, yesterday since I watched her slip away from me. If I allowed myself, I could get caught up in the visualizations of that day - in the raw emotion of what was happening, in the last moments of her life and, to be perfectly honest, in previous years I have done just that. This year, however, I am consciously and purposefully trying to focus on other images. Images of the freckle-faced, pig-tailed little girl who stole the spotlight where-ever she went, of the "tom-boy" on the little league field, of the prankster who never quite knew where the "line" was (and frequently crossed over it anyway), of the young teen-ager who was in to karoake way before it was popular - of the pint-sized lady that the "tom-boy" ultimately became (while I was away at college) with the petite figure, keen sense of style and flair and stunning smile.
This morning, I noticed that Amanda's Iris has peeked through the ground and, happily, has multiplied. There are now three stems, three buds... just as there are three sisters.
(click on any of the pictures to get a bigger version. For some reason, I can't seem to stretch them out correctly through LJ without the pixels looking horrible)
Amanda was always the "cute" one - a feisty, freckle-face little girl in pigtails who stole the show wherever she went. Shown below (top to bottom) in her kindergarten picture, with my mother, with our two golden retrievers (Rusty and Ginger), outside of Boscabel and at Disney Land...
Top to bottom, left to right... First day of school (1977), at Cape Cod with me and our sister, Lauren - with her cat, Punkin, profile shot, Jr. High Graduation and at Cape Cod with Dad.
Amanda in 1995, shortly before her diagnosis with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. This photo was used for the Memorial Book.
Rather than go on and on about my own feelings about Amanda, I'll end with a few quotes from that book...
"I want to continue eulogizing my lovely daughter, now and forever, using a few words that capture the essence of her:
- Always pretty and often beautiful.
- A pint sized firecracker with a gentle loving heart and soul.
- Boundless energy and a contagious ability to enjoy life.
- A wonderful and enthusiastic hostess, thrilled by any opportunity to share the beauty and peace she found in where she lived.
- A natural cheerleader; I benefitted - benefit still- from her encouragement to be who I am.
- A role model in courage. "
Dad
"You're always in my thoughts...
Alive and safe in my heart...
My sister. My friend. What a precious gift.
I love you.
P.S. "Worship the cows" - Lauren
"Amanda had style; the real thing too! She really knew the FUN of it! The hair, the make-up, the clothes, but it was the HIGH, HIGH heels that really knocked me out. In an era when most women choose between their dress sneakers or their every day sneakers, Amanda really "got" heels. Not just how they should look, Amanda made the most of their audio possibilities too! Click, Click,Click,Click,Click on the stairs - Staccato, eager... you knew a party was on the way" Steve R.
"In just a few short months, Amanda became my life. She was the reason that I wanted to wake early each morning and the last person I wanted to see before I closed my eyes. Each night, I couildn't wait to put my arms around her and tell her how much I missed her that day. Maybe Amanda thought I was being kind to her because she was sick, but that wasn't it at all - I hope she knew me well enough to read between the lines and see that she was the most important person in my life and I wanted it to stay that way.
I know she was not perfect.
But she was perfect for me.
I will always miss the girl who has my heart" Pat L
"Amanda's sense of humor was truly a gift from which we all benefitted. It was her way of expressing affection, of reaching out and connecting to the people who touched her life.
I feel fortunate to have been the "butt" of many of her jokes because I knew - know -that it meant she cared.
Amanda's life, her memory and her incredible ability to find humor in any situation will live on in my heart for the rest of my life. I am thankful for the privelege of knowing Amanda, of watching her grow in to the courageous person she became and for the honor of calling her my "little sister". me
So, I will not sleep tonight, but rather will remember my sister, and the final hours of her life in a way that I have come to find comfort. By reading letters she sent me in college, by listening to the songs she used to record at the mall at "Stage Fright", by lighting a candle and remembering the little girl who packed more living in to 24 years than most of us do in a lifetime.
Rather than continue to ramble on about her, and how much *I* miss her, I'll end with reference to three songs that bring me comfort...
"My Heart Will Go On" - Celine Dion
"How Can I Keep from Singing" - sung by Enya
And this one that I heard for the first time during a live performance of Janis Ian in a tiny little dinner and music venue where I was working about a week after Amanda passed away... It always brings me to tears.
When Angels Cry
Wait, your tired arms must rest
Let this moment pass
Wait until the morning
Close your eyes and let me see
Who you used to be
Left without a warning
Who knew one so big could grow so small?
Lighter than the writing on the wall
When angels cry can I stand by?
When storms weep can my heart sleep?
I wish I'd never heard
Wish I'd never heard
Wish I'd never heard
The power of a six letter word
'Cause only love will matter in the end
For woman or for man
What's the difference now?
Here we live with bottles and needles and truth
Here is your living proof
That death cannot be proud
Some say it's a judgement on us all
I can't believe that God would be that small
When angels cry can I stand by?
When storms weep can my heart sleep?
Wish I'd never heard
Wish I'd never heard
I wish I'd never heard
The power of a six letter word
If ever was a soul that longed to fly
If ever was a heart that longed to bloom
If ever was an angel it was you
So close your eyes and say goodbye
Goodbye
Rest in Peace Little Sister - And, as I say each and every year, keep singing. We hear you.
Amanda Joyce
7/25/72 - 4/3/97
It's been nine years since my little sister, Amanda Joyce, slipped quietly from this life. April 3, 1997 at 6:23 AM. She was 24 years old.
Sometimes, it feels like it was yesterday - the memory of her passing is still so vivid in my mind. Every single aspect of that day, and the week which preceded it, each minute detail, every stolen moment, is ingrained in my memory. On March 31st of 1997, there was an unexpected snowstorm which stranded all of us at the hospital but turned out to be a blessing in disguise because the following day, Amanda regained consciousness for the first time in several weeks. She spent the first of April with her family and her boyfriend, Pat, laughing as I have come to remember her. On the second of April, she slipped away from us, in to a state of unconsciousness, and ultimately left us behind in the pre-dawn hours of April 3rd.
And other days, it feels like it's been forever since I've heard her voice, felt her presence, laughed with her, teased her about whether she had a boyfriend yet...
Today, it feels like a mix of "forever and yesterday" since I last saw my sister. Forever since I was graced with her peppery personality, yesterday since I watched her slip away from me. If I allowed myself, I could get caught up in the visualizations of that day - in the raw emotion of what was happening, in the last moments of her life and, to be perfectly honest, in previous years I have done just that. This year, however, I am consciously and purposefully trying to focus on other images. Images of the freckle-faced, pig-tailed little girl who stole the spotlight where-ever she went, of the "tom-boy" on the little league field, of the prankster who never quite knew where the "line" was (and frequently crossed over it anyway), of the young teen-ager who was in to karoake way before it was popular - of the pint-sized lady that the "tom-boy" ultimately became (while I was away at college) with the petite figure, keen sense of style and flair and stunning smile.
This morning, I noticed that Amanda's Iris has peeked through the ground and, happily, has multiplied. There are now three stems, three buds... just as there are three sisters.
(click on any of the pictures to get a bigger version. For some reason, I can't seem to stretch them out correctly through LJ without the pixels looking horrible)
Amanda was always the "cute" one - a feisty, freckle-face little girl in pigtails who stole the show wherever she went. Shown below (top to bottom) in her kindergarten picture, with my mother, with our two golden retrievers (Rusty and Ginger), outside of Boscabel and at Disney Land...
Top to bottom, left to right... First day of school (1977), at Cape Cod with me and our sister, Lauren - with her cat, Punkin, profile shot, Jr. High Graduation and at Cape Cod with Dad.
Amanda in 1995, shortly before her diagnosis with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. This photo was used for the Memorial Book.
Rather than go on and on about my own feelings about Amanda, I'll end with a few quotes from that book...
"I want to continue eulogizing my lovely daughter, now and forever, using a few words that capture the essence of her:
- Always pretty and often beautiful.
- A pint sized firecracker with a gentle loving heart and soul.
- Boundless energy and a contagious ability to enjoy life.
- A wonderful and enthusiastic hostess, thrilled by any opportunity to share the beauty and peace she found in where she lived.
- A natural cheerleader; I benefitted - benefit still- from her encouragement to be who I am.
- A role model in courage. "
Dad
"You're always in my thoughts...
Alive and safe in my heart...
My sister. My friend. What a precious gift.
I love you.
P.S. "Worship the cows" - Lauren
"Amanda had style; the real thing too! She really knew the FUN of it! The hair, the make-up, the clothes, but it was the HIGH, HIGH heels that really knocked me out. In an era when most women choose between their dress sneakers or their every day sneakers, Amanda really "got" heels. Not just how they should look, Amanda made the most of their audio possibilities too! Click, Click,Click,Click,Click on the stairs - Staccato, eager... you knew a party was on the way" Steve R.
"In just a few short months, Amanda became my life. She was the reason that I wanted to wake early each morning and the last person I wanted to see before I closed my eyes. Each night, I couildn't wait to put my arms around her and tell her how much I missed her that day. Maybe Amanda thought I was being kind to her because she was sick, but that wasn't it at all - I hope she knew me well enough to read between the lines and see that she was the most important person in my life and I wanted it to stay that way.
I know she was not perfect.
But she was perfect for me.
I will always miss the girl who has my heart" Pat L
"Amanda's sense of humor was truly a gift from which we all benefitted. It was her way of expressing affection, of reaching out and connecting to the people who touched her life.
I feel fortunate to have been the "butt" of many of her jokes because I knew - know -that it meant she cared.
Amanda's life, her memory and her incredible ability to find humor in any situation will live on in my heart for the rest of my life. I am thankful for the privelege of knowing Amanda, of watching her grow in to the courageous person she became and for the honor of calling her my "little sister". me
So, I will not sleep tonight, but rather will remember my sister, and the final hours of her life in a way that I have come to find comfort. By reading letters she sent me in college, by listening to the songs she used to record at the mall at "Stage Fright", by lighting a candle and remembering the little girl who packed more living in to 24 years than most of us do in a lifetime.
Rather than continue to ramble on about her, and how much *I* miss her, I'll end with reference to three songs that bring me comfort...
"My Heart Will Go On" - Celine Dion
"How Can I Keep from Singing" - sung by Enya
And this one that I heard for the first time during a live performance of Janis Ian in a tiny little dinner and music venue where I was working about a week after Amanda passed away... It always brings me to tears.
When Angels Cry
Wait, your tired arms must rest
Let this moment pass
Wait until the morning
Close your eyes and let me see
Who you used to be
Left without a warning
Who knew one so big could grow so small?
Lighter than the writing on the wall
When angels cry can I stand by?
When storms weep can my heart sleep?
I wish I'd never heard
Wish I'd never heard
Wish I'd never heard
The power of a six letter word
'Cause only love will matter in the end
For woman or for man
What's the difference now?
Here we live with bottles and needles and truth
Here is your living proof
That death cannot be proud
Some say it's a judgement on us all
I can't believe that God would be that small
When angels cry can I stand by?
When storms weep can my heart sleep?
Wish I'd never heard
Wish I'd never heard
I wish I'd never heard
The power of a six letter word
If ever was a soul that longed to fly
If ever was a heart that longed to bloom
If ever was an angel it was you
So close your eyes and say goodbye
Goodbye
Rest in Peace Little Sister - And, as I say each and every year, keep singing. We hear you.
Amanda Joyce
7/25/72 - 4/3/97