Jul 01, 2009 13:54
Lately I have been confused on how to calculate how happy I am with my life. I could say its great. I have great friends, a nice room, nice clothes and a good looking future. I absolutely cannot wait till I go study abroad in Japan. My whole being right down to the bone is waiting for this half a year of awesomeness. It scares me a little how much I have buried myself into Japan. I love it more than I can imagine. And its not like I am putting the country on a pedestal or anything. I have been there twice and both times I felt like I was finally somewhere where I belong for the moment. I wanted to stay. I wanted to live there. I just wanted to be in Japan. Not just because I of the anime, or the language, or the culture, or the shopping, the religion, the technology, the beautiful sights, the history. There was something else besides all of that that kept me from wanting to leave. Its the feeling I get when I am there. Like I can finally be me. My mind clears. I am who I struggle so hard to be at home. I won't say my life has been hard, but there have been some undeniable hardships in my life that have almost led me to a breaking point. I just wanted to escape everything. I wanted a different life. I wanted to be someone else. The only aspect that keeps me from breaking at those points is the fact that I know who I am deep inside. And I wouldn't know that if it weren't for my intense love for Japan. It's different from a crutch. It's been a revelation. A revelation of my spirit and of my heart. I firmly live for the ideals of kokoro and nakama. I feel them reach every part of me. They take me away from my misfortunes and lead me to happiness.
I don't think that I am very good at many things. I also know that once I am good at something if I don't keep it up I will lose it again. I am very dissatisfied with a lot of aspects about myself.
But I know my potential. Japan has taught me that. And I want to be all I know I am.
I can't wait to go... with all my heart I want to have the best time of my life.