What I'm looking for
If there is one thing that I learned out of everything this year its the will to patient.
No I don't mean that I've learned patience, I mean I've learned how to willingly wait for something, without cringing each time you remember the length or uncertainty of your goal. You have to learn to be willing to wait, to be willing to accept that nothing extraordinary in life isn't worth waiting for and that's probably exactly what you need to do in order to finally achieve what you are waiting for. Be willing to wait. Learn some things about yourself, rebuild what you so carelessly took for granted. Make it stronger, more mature, more permanent.
As I stood there staring into my past's eyes I realized that I was still trying to live there. But I can't. I can't go back and I can't forget. There is no way I'll ever be able to erase the mistakes I have made. I have to come to terms with them. Honestly, I thought that I had. Up until Thursday, when I realized that I was too prideful to swallow my shame and move on. I couldn't get past the grieving and regretting stage to actually remember that life goes on, and I truly feel connected to what I've lost, it will come back. Slowly, differently, and more carefully than the last time, but nevertheless it will come back. But in the meantime I can't stand around forcing it to come back to me. No, because that will only push it further away from me. I can't push anything, or anyone to forgive. I can only accept, deal and move on accordingly. For the longest time I've just been wishing for this to be so easy. Wishing more and more than it'll just happen. That things will go back to the way that they used to be if I'm on my best behavior. I thought, "maybe if I'm good I'll get my older life back." But the fact is that I will NEVER get back what I've wanted. I need to accept that. I can't yearn for something that will never willingly come. When I walked away from him the other day, I walked away from my grief, I walked away from my hope, from my foolish wish that life could be like from a fairy tale, that every thing could be amended quickly, lessons could be learned and that things could go back to "normal." For once in my life I didn't walk away wondering if he'd follow me, I walked away realizing that he'd never follow. He'd never just forgive like that. The magic was gone. I killed it. He pushed it away. We destroyed it together. He isn't in love with me anymore. And when I walked away I finally accepted that, cried, smiled, wiped my eyes, held my head up high and walked on. He isn't in love anymore. That's okay. No, that's more than okay. Because I can't hold on to something that wants to be let go.
When I stepped back into his house from walking, he asked me what I had thought about when I was away. I told him that I had come to a realization. Again, I held my head up high, strained my eyes to keep from crying and looked him straight in the eye and told him that I was okay, that I accepted that he wasn't in love anymore.
Then he started laughing.
That's the thing about life. You never really know what to expect next. At first I didn't know whether to be appalled or extremely confused. So when I spoke it came out as a mixture of the two. "Why is that so funny?" but he only pointed his finger as he told me he'd tell me right after he was done laughing. After he collected himself he told me it was ironic. Again, I just sat there, more confused than ever. Then he told me while I was gone he started thinking. And while I was coming to grips with the fact that he only loved me as a friend, he told me he was thinking about his possibilities. and that he only came to one that he really wanted. He explained to me how he was thinking about the two paths in life that he could take at the moment. He said that he either choose to move on, start anew, try and find someone else or he could fully forgive, and explain to both his parents and his best friend why he decided that he wanted me back. Then he started thinking about what he would tell his parents and his best friend when they confronted him and asked him. He then said that as he was thinking of possibilities, he realized that he was trying to think of what he would tell the people he was closest to why he was going against all of their judgements. He told me that thats when he realized that he could never possibly think about what he was going to tell them, without still being completely in love with me.
So here I am. I stand corrected. Right when I decide that I wouldn't keep him to me because its not what he wanted, he corrects me by telling me that I am exactly what he wants. There are no words about how I feel about this. I don't know how to react. I just know how what we have is real. And that its going to take time to rebuild. But when we do, we'll be stronger, better, more mature. Somehow now we work as the pieces lie, working with the corners and sides and then slowly, and with more thought begin to place the inside pieces back where they belong. After all we've already created the frame, so the most important part is already done. All thats left is the center, which is in no hurry to get completed. Because the more time you spend on it, the better it comes out in the end.
I don't need his word of obligation. Because now I realize that its not about that at all. Its about the feelings. Its about the raw emotions. No obligations, only trust. Only love. Just that is more than enough to start on.
So we just sat there, back to back staring at a fake light up pumpkin. We just hung out, made fun of each other, talked and kissed. It was nice. We just hung out, as if the only thing we needed was our feelings.
That's something I haven't felt in a long time.
And somehow that was exactly what I had been looking for...
My love.
No words. No need. No worry.
Just me. Just him.
In love.
No I don't mean that I've learned patience, I mean I've learned how to willingly wait for something, without cringing each time you remember the length or uncertainty of your goal. You have to learn to be willing to wait, to be willing to accept that nothing extraordinary in life isn't worth waiting for and that's probably exactly what you need to do in order to finally achieve what you are waiting for. Be willing to wait. Learn some things about yourself, rebuild what you so carelessly took for granted. Make it stronger, more mature, more permanent.
As I stood there staring into my past's eyes I realized that I was still trying to live there. But I can't. I can't go back and I can't forget. There is no way I'll ever be able to erase the mistakes I have made. I have to come to terms with them. Honestly, I thought that I had. Up until Thursday, when I realized that I was too prideful to swallow my shame and move on. I couldn't get past the grieving and regretting stage to actually remember that life goes on, and I truly feel connected to what I've lost, it will come back. Slowly, differently, and more carefully than the last time, but nevertheless it will come back. But in the meantime I can't stand around forcing it to come back to me. No, because that will only push it further away from me. I can't push anything, or anyone to forgive. I can only accept, deal and move on accordingly. For the longest time I've just been wishing for this to be so easy. Wishing more and more than it'll just happen. That things will go back to the way that they used to be if I'm on my best behavior. I thought, "maybe if I'm good I'll get my older life back." But the fact is that I will NEVER get back what I've wanted. I need to accept that. I can't yearn for something that will never willingly come. When I walked away from him the other day, I walked away from my grief, I walked away from my hope, from my foolish wish that life could be like from a fairy tale, that every thing could be amended quickly, lessons could be learned and that things could go back to "normal." For once in my life I didn't walk away wondering if he'd follow me, I walked away realizing that he'd never follow. He'd never just forgive like that. The magic was gone. I killed it. He pushed it away. We destroyed it together. He isn't in love with me anymore. And when I walked away I finally accepted that, cried, smiled, wiped my eyes, held my head up high and walked on. He isn't in love anymore. That's okay. No, that's more than okay. Because I can't hold on to something that wants to be let go.
When I stepped back into his house from walking, he asked me what I had thought about when I was away. I told him that I had come to a realization. Again, I held my head up high, strained my eyes to keep from crying and looked him straight in the eye and told him that I was okay, that I accepted that he wasn't in love anymore.
Then he started laughing.
That's the thing about life. You never really know what to expect next. At first I didn't know whether to be appalled or extremely confused. So when I spoke it came out as a mixture of the two. "Why is that so funny?" but he only pointed his finger as he told me he'd tell me right after he was done laughing. After he collected himself he told me it was ironic. Again, I just sat there, more confused than ever. Then he told me while I was gone he started thinking. And while I was coming to grips with the fact that he only loved me as a friend, he told me he was thinking about his possibilities. and that he only came to one that he really wanted. He explained to me how he was thinking about the two paths in life that he could take at the moment. He said that he either choose to move on, start anew, try and find someone else or he could fully forgive, and explain to both his parents and his best friend why he decided that he wanted me back. Then he started thinking about what he would tell his parents and his best friend when they confronted him and asked him. He then said that as he was thinking of possibilities, he realized that he was trying to think of what he would tell the people he was closest to why he was going against all of their judgements. He told me that thats when he realized that he could never possibly think about what he was going to tell them, without still being completely in love with me.
So here I am. I stand corrected. Right when I decide that I wouldn't keep him to me because its not what he wanted, he corrects me by telling me that I am exactly what he wants. There are no words about how I feel about this. I don't know how to react. I just know how what we have is real. And that its going to take time to rebuild. But when we do, we'll be stronger, better, more mature. Somehow now we work as the pieces lie, working with the corners and sides and then slowly, and with more thought begin to place the inside pieces back where they belong. After all we've already created the frame, so the most important part is already done. All thats left is the center, which is in no hurry to get completed. Because the more time you spend on it, the better it comes out in the end.
I don't need his word of obligation. Because now I realize that its not about that at all. Its about the feelings. Its about the raw emotions. No obligations, only trust. Only love. Just that is more than enough to start on.
So we just sat there, back to back staring at a fake light up pumpkin. We just hung out, made fun of each other, talked and kissed. It was nice. We just hung out, as if the only thing we needed was our feelings.
That's something I haven't felt in a long time.
And somehow that was exactly what I had been looking for...
My love.
No words. No need. No worry.
Just me. Just him.
In love.