And Just To Clear The Air, I Ask Forgiveness, For The Things I've Done You Blame Me For
i become easily confused when i begin to feel bits and pieces of happiness. or contentment. or, god help me, excitement. because nothing (makes motion with hands to air around me) has changed. my skin still feels the same, my job still looks the same, and my eating habits are still painfully unhealthy. and i'm unaccustomed to what happiness is actually supposed to feel like. but... is this... is this... what it... it... feels like?
i've been trying to find the inspiration to write this post to you, friend. aching, really. because i've been filling the world with my sorrows for so long that i've forgotten what adjectives people use to describe excitement. plus, it's true, awfully true, that pain and heartache are actually a million times more interesting to write about because they're rich with desperation and want and understanding.
but life has happened. before my eyes and in my ears and around my fingers and toes, it's begun. i'm ahead of myself! i'm making such terribly naive statements i will regret in a months time. after christmas passes and the season changes and i'm spending another night alone and am feeling no love or light or music or anything remotely resembling connection to anyone or anything in the world, i will regret that i was so painfully naive and that i projected that onto my world. then again, who gives a shit. no, really. who does?
let me begin,
the misters of in medias res have come back into our mediocre nanaimo lives for four short and glorious days, three short and glorious weeks ago. i will refrain from speaking in detail about their shows because that becomes ridiculously mundane and unnecessarily meticulous. but it was electric.
three of the four boys stayed at chris-ann's place after the first show, with me in tow; like a little toot-toot shy girl with no sense of comic timing or gifted story telling abilities. i was along for the ride and not driving the car, if that makes more sense (and to beat a dead horse). but i enjoyed every single second of it. the following things happened in the course of the early morning hours: google searches (of huge cats of legandary proportions), arguments over which is the classier chocolate: skor, twix or after eights, threats of spooning, awkward silence, sleeping and boundry breaking. the last few minutes of the morning hours were filled with: pizza buffet option radar.
when the boys woke, we went for pizza at the pizza hut buffet and said our goodbyes. it was nice and i was awkward and they paid the bill and i felt guilty. because i hadn't done anything for them. i hadn't offered my house for them to stay in. i hadn't made them laugh. i hadn't paid for their meal before. i hadn't given them reason to find consequence in my anything. so, i felt guilty. but i'm okay now. because i realised that they're good guys and they weren't trying to make me feel anything but blessed and thankful. and i like that.
in between our visits with imr, i went to see "rent" which i realised that, though flawed, i fell in love with it. and unlike the rest of the free world this was my first experience with it. the concepts and the music and the love and the life and the death and the everything about it made me think long and hard about everything i've been doing in my life and if it was worth it to feel the pain of the world but not the joy. and if it was worth it to live my life as though one day i'll stumble into happiness, as though it's a world of it's own outside reality, with greener trees and brighter buildings.
"there's only us. there's only this. forget regret, or life is yours to miss. no other road. no other way. no day but today."
not to mention, it introduced me to the newest love of my life, idina menzel. but that's another story for another day.
imr came back for an all-ages show on the saturday of the same week. and although the entire event was extremely awkward and unnecessarily pretentious, we found ourselves, again, at mgm restaurant by the early morning hours. and i think i'll count this as probably one of the top ten experiences of my entire entire life. no, that's not what i mean. top ten experiences of those that are similar to this. like those times you laugh till your tummy hurts. or you smile till your cheeks hurt. or your heart pitter patters because you just fell in love with life. yea, like that. la vie boheme.
this is andrew and ryan flowers and chris-ann's mod wig.
and after consumming many unnecessary calories and lots of necessary laughing, we parted ways to persue sleep and dreams and cetera. i have to say, though, that i've just fallen in love with 3/4ths of the band. and with chris-ann, who is full of magic and life. you should see her. she's beautiful. i'm not kidding!
oh, and in other more amazing news: carissa and i are speaking again. and as though nothing has happened. it's strange and good. but i missed her and the therapist i've been seeing wondered why i couldn't just tell her that and stop feeling so heartbroken over everything. so, i did. and i stopped feeling heartbroken. it's funny how that happens.
speaking of which, i have had four unnecessarily guarded sessions with this woman and i can't figure out how to be authentic and real and honest and brutal with her. raw and naked and exposed has never really been my way of projecting myself to the world. guarded and reserved and stifled is more like it. and i can't bring myself to look her in the eye when i'm speaking with her. i think i'm afraid that she'll see right through me. actually, i'm sure she does. i just don't really want to see what she sees.
but life feels good. well, optimistic, maybe. and i am not an optimist. possible! that's the word i'm looking for. makes me wish it wasn't 3:47 in the am and i had the energy to read over this and make it flow better. or have it make sense.
"It well may be, that we will never meet again in this lifetime. So, let me say before we part: so much of me, is what I learned from you. You'll be with me. Like a handprint on my heart. And so whatever way our story's end. I know you have re-written mine by being my friend."
gah, i can't get over how this entry is so unlike me. oh, don't fret, dear e-friends. i'm sure i'll find my way back to heartbreak and sorrow. it's against my nature to hold good things for too long. at some point, i think i'd like to find a balance. balance would be good. balance is what makes the world go round. "Round and round. We go round and round and round. And what we’re lookin’ for still isn’t found." god, am i only person in the world who remembers that song?