It was worth it, feeling abandoned. Makes one hardened, but what has happened to love?
there are some days when i want to tell you, share with you, all the mundane and not-so-mundane things that are happening in my life. and i get sad and nostalgic and angry all at once. &i think, very deeply, about how this could have been different; what i could have done differently, how i could have become a person of consequence, how i could have changed my situational depression and remembered what it was like to be a person who laughed easily and loved deeply. but the truth is, you left... when you could have stayed.
***
seven years ago, almost to the day, i met ryan rempel in a crowded classroom of a small bible college in the mecca of british columbia's bible belt. he was short and slightly awkward and had blondish curly hair. pam, whom i had affectionately dubbed "jellybean", had a mad crush on little ryan and so we had become fast friends over fooseball and coca-cola classics. i learned, through the years, that he is charming and wonderful and kind and oblivious and understanding. and that no matter what i said or what i did or what the history between our friendship had been he loved me. in spite of myself.
ryan married kristy on september twenty-fourth, two-thousand-and-five. him: in his black tux and red tie. her: in her white silky satin-y dress and beautiful red rose bouquet. both: with curly, curly hair and nervous eyes and shakey laughter. he wrote her a song and she cried and i cried and everyone had single tears welling in single eyes running down single cheeks. i had a shakey bottom lip for the entire ceremony. for beginnings and endings and love and everything. overwhelmed with how much i adore him and wish happiness on their every-little-thing.
to be honest, it was an emotionally confusing day. one, i had to keep repeating to myself, that was a beginning and not an end. a beginning... not an end. but she was there with her close friend and roommate and we didn't speak. i wanted to look at her table and see her face but i knew that would hurt more than pretending to ignore her would. i wanted to be happy and oblivious to how much i actually missed her and knew we could've had fun together. but she might not have seen it that way. she weighed our friendship, i realised in those moments, into good and bad times. and i know how to that is, to be around a "friend" and feel relief that you're having fun this time and not wallowing in awkwardness and misery. and i couldn't be that person anymore.
i cried all day, actually. at the good things, the bad things, the goodbyes, the hellos, the i love yous, the songs and the moments. i cried because i knew that he couldn't be there for me as he had always been because he was now someone else's husband. i cried because i saw moments of pure tenderness and connection captured in photographs and sometimes it makes my heart ache in the worst way to watch people be good to one another when i have nothing. i shouldn't say that. i do have something. just not everything. i cried because i missed her so goddamned much but i knew she was happier and better without me. and i cried because i had to let those things go. those bible college years, those vancouver years, those swiss chalet times, those late night talks, those hugs, that connection, my entire being before this moment in time.
"turn down the lights. turn down the bed. turn down these voices inside my head. lay down with me. tell me no lie. just hold me close. don't patronise. don't patronise me. cause i can't make you love me if you don't. you can't make your heart feel something it won't. here in the dark, these finals hours. i will lay down my heart and i'll feel the power. but you won't, no, you won't. cause i can't make you love me if you don't."
this was a week of reconnection that i wasn't expecting. i hadn't expected to walk into past friendships and realise that they still felt love and affection for me. as though time hadn't passed and the connection still existed. and they were so good to me. so good and kind and wonderful. and i was surprised and cold and open and loved them in return. &i cried more times than i'd like to admit. heartwrenching, heartbreaking cries of exclamations and wonder. and... they... all... listened. (the elipses are supposed to represent how surprised i am by this. if that needed explaining.)
this would be a perfect time for a music, picture and video montage of everyone last weekend, with freiheit's keeping the dream alive playing. god, that would be cheesy and wonderful. if i could take my memories and make them pictures and videos i would do it. not to mention create skillz in the video making... thing. yea, that'd be good.
jen, pam, tina, colette: i love you. seriously.
***
in me·di·as res: ADVERB:
"In or into the middle of a sequence of events, as in a literary narrative."
on wednesday night chris-ann invited me to go with her and wendy to see their show at the queens. the surprising thing thing about my story is this: i accepted and without hesitation. we were late & the show was late & the price was $9 & they stamped our hands with bear claws and we walked in and crossed our fingers that we hadn't missed the only band we wanted to see. we watched another band who, in my opinion, were mediocre at best (the lead singer, however, was extremely nice to us when we met him later so maybe i should take that back). but i'll be the first to admit that i don't like shows or live local bands. yawn and pretention, etc. so we walked outside afterwards and ran into andrew, who i just realised i had never seen this close up before. i think i noticed that because his head was larger than it looks on stage. that sounds weird. moving on.
they played at twelve-forty-five a.m. and it was electric.
after the show chit-chatting commenced. mostly between ash and chris-ann. because i'm shy and quiet like that (& wendy is quiet but not shy). we met all the guys in the band on our way out; with the bouncer in tow trying to tell us: "really, guys. you have to go. if you're not married to or sleeping with the band you have to go." i squirmed, chris-ann ignored and wendy was indifferent. but we... vacated, eventually.
somewhere in the middle of the crazies acting crazy in the downtown nanaimo core and the other people dispersing we ended up with the band at a twenty-four hour diner eating breakfast foods and nachoes. seperately, of course. it was so great. and i was so intimidated. and when the table was silent and i was talking my voice was so soft. i could hear the intimidation and the lack of experience in having a group listen to me (which, stupidly, causes me to tell an uninteresting story because i've packed it with useless facts, emotions and explanations out of nervousness).
i now have a collective crush on the entire band. especially ryan flowers. because he's kind and his name is ryan flowers. they've reminded me of what it's like to have a genuine interest in a person (not romantic, but everything else). an interest in being around people who are interesting. i think that's a good thing to keep in mind when trying to become a person of consequence.
we left at four-forty-five a.m. because andrew needed to catch a very early ferry to pick up his guitar in vancouver. chris-ann paid for all the food without telling anyone and it was nice to see the surprised and genuinely greatful looks on their faces when they found out. in the parking lot they gave us a group hug. it was unexpected and i'm smiling right now just typing that.
***
i am so in love and hate with life. it's amazing to feel something again. i had to share it that with you, dear friends. and yes, i realise that it was very long. but isn't it crazy that i didn't say fuck at all in this entry. except just now, so ignore that.