Why it Must be Me? - Chapter 32
Title: The Maknae's Dilemma Series: Story 1 - Cho Kyuhyun of Super Junior (Why it Must be Me?)
Author: imaginarybulb
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17
Pairing(s): Kyuhyun/?, Eunhyuk/Kibum/Donghae, Kyuhyun/Sungmin, Kangin/Leeteuk, Hankyung/Heechul, parings may come and go
Summary: It had always been the three of them. Everyone knew that, so does Kyuhyun. Especially Kyuhyun. But still, Kyuhyun succumbed into their world.
“We love you, Kyuhyun-ah… Not just as a dongsaeng… But as something more…”
Kibum smiled softly at him, “We want you to be a part of our lives, Kyuhyun-ah…”
Kyuhyun stared at his hyungs - the three people he loves the most - with wide-eyes as his cheeks blushed a light pink, feeling speechless. His heart was fuzzy and bubbly and he felt like butterflies fluttering its wings around his stomach, but he couldn’t say anything. He lowered his gaze, which Donghae took as a sign to continue.
“We…” the older male cleared his throat, his face also red, “Umm… If you have someone you like, we can accept it. But….” He gave the maknae a firm look, “We still hope you’ll fall in love with us.”
Kyuhyun looked up at Donghae’s confession, “We’re in love with you, Kyuhyun-ah…” He had longed to hear those words from their mouth, for this day to come. He had decided to let go of everything and follows wherever his feelings led him to. He loves them, no matter what happens, he really wants to be a part of them, a part of what they had shared. He’s going to follow what his heart tells him, just like Sungmin had said.
And so he did exactly that.
“I love you too, hyungs,” he said softly, a smile spread across his lips, “I had been in love with the three of you since forever.”
And the three hyungs he loves grin as they walked over to him and pulled him into a warm and loving hug. It was awkward to do a group hug, especially after a confession, and it suffocates him a little, but Kyuhyun didn’t mind.
He smiled in the mixture of Kibum, Donghae and Eunhyuk’s scents, eyes closing to its own accord, his smile grew wider.
Yep, he can definitely get used to this.
“….hyun…. Kyuhyun….”
Kyuhyun stirred in his sleep at the soft voice ringing in his ears before slowly blinking his eyes open and saw Ryeowook smiling softly at him.
“Good morning, Kyu,” the eternal maknae greeted him.
Kyuhyun shut his eyes at the light invading his sight before slowly opening them again. He frowned at Ryeowook, “….Hyung?” He pushed himself up and rubbed right eye tiredly, “What are you doing here?”
“You’re sleeping in my room, silly,” Ryeowook told him with a soft chuckle, “Don’t you remember?”
At the confused look Kyuhyun gave him, Ryeowook took it as a ‘no’. He sat beside the maknae, “Last night, Teukie hyung got a call that you’ll come home on his own. When you arrived at the dorm, you just went straight to my room without a word.”
Kyuhyun tried to recall his memories before asking, “…Uhm… Who called Leeteuk hyung?”
“Donghae hyung,” Ryeowook answered smoothly before frowning when Kyuhyun flinched at the name, “Kyu?”
It’s not a dream…? Kyuhyun thought as he remembers what happened last night. The fight. Sungmin protecting him. Sungmin telling him that he’s giving up on him. Kibum saying that he, Donghae and Eunhyuk had something to be said.
And that something turned out be a love confession from the trio.
He covered his mouth in surprise when he remembers what happened next. The rejection. Him, rejecting the trio.
Him, rejecting the people he loves.
What the hell… Kyuhyun rubbed his face and tears suddenly pours out from his eyes and in one moment, he was sobbing and crying.
Ryeowook panicked when Kyuhyun suddenly cries, “Kyu? What happened? Why are you crying?”
However, the maknae didn’t answer. Instead, he kept pouring his tears out as if Ryeowook was not next to him. Ryeowook was confused by Kyuhyun’s behavior and it worries him a lot to see Kyuhyun who had always been strong enough to control his emotions suddenly cries like this.
“Kyu…” he called out softly, placing his hand on Kyuhyun’s back, “Tell me, what happened last night?”
Kyuhyun continued to hiccup before he sobbed out, “I-I… I rejected them, h-hyung….”
Ryeowook frowned in confusion, “What?”
“I-I rejected them,” Kyuhyun repeated and his cries grew louder, “I-I waited so fucking long for it-and-and I rejected them.”
“Kyuhyun… What…”
“Kibum hyung, Donghae hyung a-and Eunhyuk hyung confessed to me l-last night,” Kyuhyun explained in between his sobs, “Th-They said they love me a-and they wanted me to become part of what they shared a-and I….I… Oh God…”
Realization dawns on Ryeowook and he sent a sympathetic look to the crying male, “Oh Kyu..” He hugged the maknae in his arms, softly comforting him. He was surprised to hear that the trio confessed to Kyuhyun, but he was even more perplexed when Kyuhyun said he rejected them. It doesn’t make sense, Kyuhyun had always been loving them and he didn’t go through all the pain for so many years only to push away the people he loves.
But now is not a good idea to ask Kyuhyun the answers for all the questions in his head. Kyuhyun is in his vulnerable state and as a hyung, he held the responsible to make sure the vulnerable Kyuhyun doesn’t break.
--
Sungmin sighed tiredly as he stumbled into the dorm. He leaned against the wall as he took off his shoes. He was feeling extremely under the weather and it mainly because of what he expected to happen today.
His-no, not his anymore right? - Kyuhyun, being happy and in love with someone who’s not Sungmin.
“Minnie hyung?” he looked up lazily at Ryeowook’s voice, but seeing the smile on the eternal maknae’s face, he couldn’t help but to stretch a smile, albeit a small one.
“Hey, Wook,” he greeted the younger one, pushing himself from the wall and walked pass Ryeowook to the kitchen, “Where are the other members?”
“Schedule,” he answered, following Sungmin to the kitchen. He watched as Sungmin sat on the chair, taking a bite of the leftover breakfast and wait for a moment before he asked, “Min hyung, what happened last night?”
Sungmin’s movement stopped at the question and he looked up to Ryeowook, “What do you mean?”
“Well… It’s about Kyuhyun…” Ryeowook trailed off, not knowing how to put his questions in proper words.
“What about him?” Sungmin asked, “He didn’t come home last night?” he guessed. Besides, it could’ve been the most accurate guess. After the confession, Kyuhyun must’ve stayed over Kibum’s apartment, finally getting the happiness with the people he loves. The happiness he waited and cried for years.
So it’s a pure surprise when Ryeowook said the opposite, “He did came home last night. It’s just…well… I don’t know if you knew about this, but Kibum, Hae hyung and Hyuk hyung confessed to Kyuhyun last night.”
Sungmin looked at Ryeowook blankly, because of course he knew about this. Ryeowook took his silence as a sign to continue, “Anyway… They confessed and…”
A frown slowly found its way between his brows when Ryeowook looked at him seriously,
“….Kyuhyun rejected them.”
--
“He had been sleeping after breakfast. He didn’t eat much though. But hyung….” Ryeowook paused for a moment, “I got the feeling Kyu didn’t tell me everything. I…can’t understand why he would reject the trio.”
Sungmin said nothing, his eyes gazed softly at Kyuhyun’s sleeping face, the pad of his thumb brushed slightly against the younger one’s tears-stained cheeks. This is not what he expected to happen. Though what he expected will deeply hurt him, but at least Kyuhyun would be smiling and he’s sure with that angelic smile, his heart will heal in short time.
But now, even though the reality was different and close to what he wished for, it hurts him even deeper. Because Kyuhyun is crying. In pain. And he’s sure that cut on his heart won’t heal even though this is what he had been waiting for.
For Kyuhyun to be his.
Why is fate so unfair? he thought grimly, if he’s happy and I have to be hurt, it’s fine for me.
But for him to hurt so that I can be happy?
--
Two days after the confession, Kyuhyun is still avoiding Kibum, Donghae, Eunhyuk and even Sungmin. He prefers to keep a distance between him and his four hyungs, but careful to make it subtle. He hangs out with Leeteuk a lot, since he’s the leader and even though the older one has no clue of what was happening to the group’s maknae, his presence gave Kyuhyun the calmness he needed so badly, the calmness that disappeared every time he’s within the one foot radius from the four members.
Ryeowook noticed his edginess around the four members, but decided not to say anything in front of the other unsuspecting members. He tried to talk to Kyuhyun, but the younger one was never alone. There are always other members around him. It was as if Kyuhyun was using them as a barrier between him and the four, Ryeowook and his questions.
It was when they were finally alone that Ryeowook thinks it’s a perfect timing to get the questions out for Kyuhyun to answer. But the maknae’s edginess reminded him too much about the past, where they were alone in the practice room and Ryeowook was sobbing out a stream of apologize to Kyuhyun’s back. But back then, it was different. Because there’s Sungmin. The pink-lover male was there and it gave Ryeowook the strength to climb over the wall Kyuhyun built to keep him out.
But now, there’s no Sungmin. Only the two of them. However, that doesn’t mean Ryeowook won’t take the risk to climb the wall.
“Kyuhyun…” he started, and though he felt the anxiousness growing from the younger one, Kyuhyun managed to keep a calm façade.
“Kyu…” he repeated again, softer, “I want to ask you something.”
“Sure hyung,” Kyuhyun replied casually, busying himself by throwing random things into his duffel bag.
“…Are you still in love with Kibum, Donghae hyung and Hyuk hyung?” Ryeowook asked carefully.
Kyuhyun’s movement stopped at the question. He knew Ryeowook would ask him this question, but he’s not ready for this.
“What do you mean?” he asked back, trying to sound casual and indifference.
“I know you’re still in love with them,” Ryeowook concluded, “I saw you, Kyuhyun. I saw how you avoided them but secretly stealing glances towards them when they’re not watching. How you smiled fondly to their oblivious backs. I know.”
There was a short pause in Kyuhyun’s movement before he continued, hoping his silent reply would give Ryeowook the hint that he didn’t want to have this talk.
“Did you regret? Of rejecting them?”
That’s the last straw. Kyuhyun stopped throwing things into his bag and straightened his back, biting the inside of his cheeks before sighing softly. He took his bag and swung it over his shoulder, giving Ryeowook a side-glance, “I don’t.”
As he walked away, Ryeowook stopped him, “You don’t what? Love them? Or regret rejecting them?”
Kyuhyun said nothing, feeling himself unable to answer the questions. There was a soft scoff coming from Ryeowook, “I bet the answer for those questions is no.”
“I have to go,” Kyuhyun quickly said as the truth of the older one’s words pierced his heart. He walked towards the door without waiting for Ryeowook’s reply.
His steps were halted for one second when he saw Sungmin leaning against the wall beside the door, arms crossed over his chest. In that one second, their eyes were locked together, but no words were exchanged. It was when Heechul called for him that Kyuhyun broke the short staring competition and walked away.
--
“I saw you, Kyuhyun. I saw how you avoided them but secretly stealing glances towards them when they’re not watching. How you smiled fondly to their oblivious backs. I know.”
Kyuhyun sighed tiredly at Ryeowook’s words that had been playing in his mind like broken record. He couldn’t even focus on the variety show he was in because he kept remembering about what Ryeowook said to him. Heechul and the manager noticed that his mind always wander to somewhere else and told him to just go home to get some rest.
“Did you regret? Of rejecting them?”
Regret? Kyuhyun thought as he dragged his tired body to the dorm. He wasn’t sure if he regrets what happened that night, but he was sure he won’t be able to turn back the time and maybe fix everything. So, why bother talking about regrets?
However, he still wants to be close to them. Even if it’s only friendship or brotherhood, he didn’t mind as long as he can still talk, play, joke, laugh and even cry with them. He already told himself that if he confesses, no matter what happened after that, he still wants to keep their current relationship. And yet when the trio confessed and he rejected them-
“Oh, Kyu,” he looked up at Kibum’s voice and saw Donghae and Eunhyuk behind the actor.
-he couldn’t even bring himself to look into their eyes and say, ‘hey, hyung!’
He could barely hear the disappointed sigh coming from Kibum when he gave the actor a tight smile with his eyes darted to the floor, no words coming from him. His steps grew slower and he almost decided to turn around and run away. But he had been running away a lot in the past, and it’s time to grow up and face this like a mature man.
He entered the dorm, walking pass the trio, but his eyes didn’t fail to notice the bags in Donghae and Eunhyuk’s hands.
Maybe he had been staring at the bags too long, because Sungmin suddenly informed, “Donghae and Hyuk will be staying at Kibum’s place for a few days.”
He snapped his head towards the smiling male before averting his gaze dejectedly, “I see…”
“Kyuhyun…” Eunhyuk called out his name softly and Kyuhyun felt trapped, like he can’t escape anymore.
Eunhyuk looked over to Sungmin, a silent signal that they need some privacy and unlike in the past, Sungmin shrugged and disappeared into the kitchen. He was caught off the guard at Sungmin’s willingness to give them some time alone with Kyuhyun, but recovers as he turned his attention to the maknae.
“Look,” he started, “We need to talk.”
“There’s nothing for us to talk about, hyung,” Kyuhyun said softly, but his distant behavior said otherwise.
“Kyu,” this time, it was Donghae, “We didn’t mean to scare you.”
At this, Kyuhyun turned to face the trio, his face painted with confusion, “Scare me?”
“The confession,” Donghae said softly and Kyuhyun felt the urge to run away, “We didn’t mean to scare with you with it.”
Kyuhyun was confused at Donghae’s words. So that’s how he had been acting for these past two days? Scared?
“We hope we can still be friends,” Kibum said, sad eyes looking into Kyuhyun’s orbs, “We didn’t mean to ruin the comfortable relationship we had by confessing. It’s just…we need to get it out, we need you to know. But…even if you didn’t return our feelings, it’s okay. I just hope, we can go back to what we had before.”
He looked at Kyuhyun sincerely, “We still love you, Kyuhyun-ah. Even as a dongsaeng.”
Kibum lowered his head, “Sorry about that night,” he apologized softly. They stayed in that position and Kyuhyun was too surprised to say anything. Kibum sighed silently before turning around, Donghae and Eunhyuk following suit. Kyuhyun watched as they walked towards the door and seeing the bags and all, Kyuhyun felt seriously afraid because it reminded him to Hankyung leaving them.
“Hyung!” he called out involuntarily. It was when the trio turned their heads towards him that Kyuhyun realized what he was doing. He stammered, couldn’t find any words to say to the three males.
There was a pinch of hope in Kibum’s eyes as they locked their eyes together but it was soon disappeared when Kyuhyun said nothing, and standing still like an idiot. He gave the maknae one last smile before turning around and walked towards the door.
Stop them, Kyuhyun’s subconscious said, stop them, Cho Kyuhyun.
Donghae opened the door and after Eunhyuk had put on his shoes, they exited the dorm one by one. Stop them now. Hankyung hyung walked out that same door and he’s not coming back. If you let them go, maybe they’re not leaving the group, but they won’t be yours.
The door slowly closed until a click was heard, why can’t I stop them?
Kyuhyun lowered his head. Now everything is over. There’s no turning back to this.
He slowly turned around and dragged his suddenly heavy feet to his bedroom. He was a few steps away from the comfort of his bed when Sungmin appeared from the kitchen.
“They left?” Sungmin asked and when Kyuhyun said nothing, he walked towards the dejected young man. Kyuhyun’s hand was gripping the doorknob when Sungmin talked to him.
“Hey, what happened? Ryeowook told me you rejected the trio,” Sungmin gave him a playful smirk, “What, are you feeling sorry for me?”
Kyuhyun’s movement stopped and he looked up to Sungmin in mild surprise. He then bit his lips and averted his gaze, “No… It has nothing to do with you.”
Sungmin stared at the younger one and leaned against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest. He gave Kyuhyun a side-glance, “Are you pitying me because I got drunk and beaten up all because of you? Or are you just putting a ‘goody-two-shoes’ image?”
Kyuhyun’s head snapped towards the pink-lover male, his eyes widened slightly. Sungmin smirked, “Don’t deny it, Kyuhyun-ah. Don’t you think it’s a bit off from your Evil-Maknae title?”
The maknae frowned, completely offended by Sungmin’s words. The pink-lover male chuckled lightly as he pushed himself from the wall to face Kyuhyun, “But let’s just say you really pity me,” Kyuhyun flinched when Sungmin grabbed the back of his neck and crashed their lips into a messy kiss; Sungmin’s tongue grazing his teeth and the roof of his mouth greedily, leaving him breathless.
The older one pulled away with a soft ‘pop’, the same smirk on his face, “…Then be mine.”
Kyuhyun’s face changed from surprise to pure anger and he raised his hand. Sungmin shut his eyes, expecting a painful slap from the maknae, but instead of a slap, he received a soft pat on his cheek. He opened his eyes and saw Kyuhyun’s crying, “Y-You… You did that on purpose, don’t you?”
The vocalist sniffed and hiccupped, “You did that so I’d hate you and-and go running to them, don’t you?”
Sungmin stayed silent before he averted his gaze. He ruffled his hair, his voice wavered, “Don’t see through me…”
“You’re right hyung,” Kyuhyun sniffed, “The feeling I felt for you is just pity… No…” he took a shaky breath, “It’s worse than pity…”
“The reason why I didn’t accept their confession was merely because…” he cried harder, body shook as tremor of sadness surged through his body, “Because I didn’t want to end up being the bad guy…” All along, the phrase ‘for their sake’ or ‘for Sungmin hyung’s sake’, those were all reasons put on for a show.
When the truth was, he had been only protecting himself.
Kyuhyun was protecting himself so that he won’t be the reason for Sungmin’s heartbreak, so that he won’t be the reason for the betrayal of Kibum towards Donghae and Eunhyuk, so that he won’t be the reason for the betrayal of Eunhyuk and Donghae towards Kibum. He was protecting himself so that he won’t get hurt in the end.
All this time, when he thought he had let go of the rope, he actually still holding on the said rope, letting his body hang in the air. And when Sungmin offered his hand to pull him out, he refused not because he’s afraid of pulling Sungmin in, but he’s afraid if Sungmin let go of him. Even when Donghae, Kibum and Eunhyuk were calling for him, telling him to let go of the rope and just fall into their embrace, Kyuhyun refused because he’s afraid if the trio couldn’t catch him and let him fall and break onto the ground.
All this time, he had been thinking of himself only.
“I-I love them…” he confessed and Sungmin smiled softly. He kissed the crying male’s forehead, “Don’t tell me that. Tell them.”
Kyuhyun sobbed softly at Sungmin’s words before he wiped his tears and ran out of the dorm, leaving the pink-lover male with his own heartbreak. Sungmin sighed as soon as Kyuhyun had left and leaned against the wall. He slide down the wall when he felt his knees were too weak to hold him up and sat there alone, “In the end… He still runs to them…”
Sungmin turned his head to the side when he felt someone sat next to him and saw Ryeowook biting his lips. The eternal maknae hesitantly looked at him before offering him a soft smile. Sungmin stared at him for awhile before a soft smile broke across his face. Ryeowook jumped when the older one suddenly grabbed his hand and when he snapped his head towards the said male, eyes widened with confusion and cheeks flushed red, Sungmin was smiling as he kept his head forward.
And Ryeowook grinned when he heard Sungmin said, “I think I’m going to be okay now.”
--
Run.
He was running to the ones he loves. Kyuhyun, wanted to tell them so much, about his feelings and everything. He got lost a lot and he had been wrong a lot. Despite all the back and forth, despite everything, the only thing that will never change is his feelings towards Lee Donghae, Lee Hyukjae and Kim Kibum.
Kibum sighed when a soft ‘ding’ was heard, the elevator’s door opening. He stayed in his spot before Eunhyuk placed his palm on his waist, sending a soft smile laced with sadness to him, “Let’s go.”
The actor stared at the older male for a moment before turning his head towards Donghae. The fishy dancer grabbed his hand, squeezing it in assurance and Kibum breathe out, taking slow steps towards the elevator.
They were inside the elevator when they heard rapid footsteps coming towards them. Donghae instinctively pressed the button to hold the elevator’s door, already expecting someone who’s probably in hurry.
However, to their surprise, that someone turned out to be their - precious - maknae.
Kyuhyun panted as he stopped a few feet from the trio; he was bent forward with his hands on his knees, breathing heavily. Swallowing, he took a deep breath and straightened his back, a determine look on his face. But his look wavered and he couldn’t help the blush that creep on his neck and face and the fast thump, thump, thump in his heart.
He rejected them once, so this time, he’ll be the one to say it.
“Kyu-”
“I,” he started, cutting Eunhyuk off. He took a deep breath, “I have something to tell you guys.”
Kibum, Eunhyuk and Donghae’s eyes widened briefly before their gazes turned softer, looking as if they already know what Kyuhyun was about to say, but he didn’t mind. Kyuhyun bit his lips as he tried to stop himself from averting his gaze from their eyes. He’s determine, to say this out loud, clear and he won’t avert his eyes no matter how red his face was and how fast his heart was beating.
“Umm…. I might end up blabbering… But…But I want you to hear it,” he continued. Kibum, Donghae and Eunhyuk stepped out the elevator and took a few steps toward him, closing their distance, a soft smile on their faces, “We’re listening, Kyuhyun-ah.”
Tears rolled down Kyuhyun’s cheeks at Kibum’s words that never fails in touching his little heart. He sniffed and wiped his tears. He knew, this isn’t the time to cry, but he couldn’t help it. There were so many feelings mixing up in him right now and his heart felt like it’s going to burst any minutes now.
“I…” he wiped his eyes, “When you told me you guys love me and actually want me to be part of you, I…I thought it’s surreal and would only happen in a dream. I even thought it was a dream and I’m just forcing my head to imagine it so that I can be happy.”
“All this time, I had been watching the three of you from afar, from outside your little world, wishing - always wishing - that I’m part of that beautiful world. It-It had always been the three of you, but I couldn’t help but to let myself succumb into your world, to long for your touches, to want all of you. I couldn’t help myself from being greedy; and that’s exactly what I’d become. I became a greedy monster and I hurt a lot of people around me.”
“At first, I thought it’ll be okay if I kept my feelings inside because we’re already close and I thought it’s enough for me. And yet, it’s not enough… Despite everything, I still love you, I still long for you, I still wait for you. But again, I still stood still and do nothing. Even when you confessed, I couldn’t bring myself to say yes.”
“I thought, I was doing a good job, since I stopped myself from being greedy. But in the end, it’s just me afraid to move. It’s just me, protecting myself,” Kyuhyun cried harder and he wiped his face when he felt his vision was blurred by the hot tears. He knew, even though he couldn’t say it well, even though they’re not pretty words nor a beautiful confession, the most important thing is telling them everything from the depth of his heart.
“Loving you guys made me unable to control my feelings. I couldn’t help but to cry, to laugh, to feel nervous, to be scared…no matter how much I tried to get a better control on my emotions,” he choked out, “Loving you made me a mess, weakling and vulnerable but in the same time I felt like I’m floating on the clouds, being free.”
“And that’s why I held on that one good thing and-and-” he cried, “And just let myself love you even more.”
And without saying anything, Kibum hugged the maknae, Donghae and Eunhyuk’s arms enveloped the two of them. Kyuhyun cried harder and hugged the older male back, ‘I love you’s streaming out his lips like a mantra.
Author: imaginarybulb
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17
Pairing(s): Kyuhyun/?, Eunhyuk/Kibum/Donghae, Kyuhyun/Sungmin, Kangin/Leeteuk, Hankyung/Heechul, parings may come and go
Summary: It had always been the three of them. Everyone knew that, so does Kyuhyun. Especially Kyuhyun. But still, Kyuhyun succumbed into their world.
“We love you, Kyuhyun-ah… Not just as a dongsaeng… But as something more…”
Kibum smiled softly at him, “We want you to be a part of our lives, Kyuhyun-ah…”
Kyuhyun stared at his hyungs - the three people he loves the most - with wide-eyes as his cheeks blushed a light pink, feeling speechless. His heart was fuzzy and bubbly and he felt like butterflies fluttering its wings around his stomach, but he couldn’t say anything. He lowered his gaze, which Donghae took as a sign to continue.
“We…” the older male cleared his throat, his face also red, “Umm… If you have someone you like, we can accept it. But….” He gave the maknae a firm look, “We still hope you’ll fall in love with us.”
Kyuhyun looked up at Donghae’s confession, “We’re in love with you, Kyuhyun-ah…” He had longed to hear those words from their mouth, for this day to come. He had decided to let go of everything and follows wherever his feelings led him to. He loves them, no matter what happens, he really wants to be a part of them, a part of what they had shared. He’s going to follow what his heart tells him, just like Sungmin had said.
And so he did exactly that.
“I love you too, hyungs,” he said softly, a smile spread across his lips, “I had been in love with the three of you since forever.”
And the three hyungs he loves grin as they walked over to him and pulled him into a warm and loving hug. It was awkward to do a group hug, especially after a confession, and it suffocates him a little, but Kyuhyun didn’t mind.
He smiled in the mixture of Kibum, Donghae and Eunhyuk’s scents, eyes closing to its own accord, his smile grew wider.
Yep, he can definitely get used to this.
“….hyun…. Kyuhyun….”
Kyuhyun stirred in his sleep at the soft voice ringing in his ears before slowly blinking his eyes open and saw Ryeowook smiling softly at him.
“Good morning, Kyu,” the eternal maknae greeted him.
Kyuhyun shut his eyes at the light invading his sight before slowly opening them again. He frowned at Ryeowook, “….Hyung?” He pushed himself up and rubbed right eye tiredly, “What are you doing here?”
“You’re sleeping in my room, silly,” Ryeowook told him with a soft chuckle, “Don’t you remember?”
At the confused look Kyuhyun gave him, Ryeowook took it as a ‘no’. He sat beside the maknae, “Last night, Teukie hyung got a call that you’ll come home on his own. When you arrived at the dorm, you just went straight to my room without a word.”
Kyuhyun tried to recall his memories before asking, “…Uhm… Who called Leeteuk hyung?”
“Donghae hyung,” Ryeowook answered smoothly before frowning when Kyuhyun flinched at the name, “Kyu?”
It’s not a dream…? Kyuhyun thought as he remembers what happened last night. The fight. Sungmin protecting him. Sungmin telling him that he’s giving up on him. Kibum saying that he, Donghae and Eunhyuk had something to be said.
And that something turned out be a love confession from the trio.
He covered his mouth in surprise when he remembers what happened next. The rejection. Him, rejecting the trio.
Him, rejecting the people he loves.
What the hell… Kyuhyun rubbed his face and tears suddenly pours out from his eyes and in one moment, he was sobbing and crying.
Ryeowook panicked when Kyuhyun suddenly cries, “Kyu? What happened? Why are you crying?”
However, the maknae didn’t answer. Instead, he kept pouring his tears out as if Ryeowook was not next to him. Ryeowook was confused by Kyuhyun’s behavior and it worries him a lot to see Kyuhyun who had always been strong enough to control his emotions suddenly cries like this.
“Kyu…” he called out softly, placing his hand on Kyuhyun’s back, “Tell me, what happened last night?”
Kyuhyun continued to hiccup before he sobbed out, “I-I… I rejected them, h-hyung….”
Ryeowook frowned in confusion, “What?”
“I-I rejected them,” Kyuhyun repeated and his cries grew louder, “I-I waited so fucking long for it-and-and I rejected them.”
“Kyuhyun… What…”
“Kibum hyung, Donghae hyung a-and Eunhyuk hyung confessed to me l-last night,” Kyuhyun explained in between his sobs, “Th-They said they love me a-and they wanted me to become part of what they shared a-and I….I… Oh God…”
Realization dawns on Ryeowook and he sent a sympathetic look to the crying male, “Oh Kyu..” He hugged the maknae in his arms, softly comforting him. He was surprised to hear that the trio confessed to Kyuhyun, but he was even more perplexed when Kyuhyun said he rejected them. It doesn’t make sense, Kyuhyun had always been loving them and he didn’t go through all the pain for so many years only to push away the people he loves.
But now is not a good idea to ask Kyuhyun the answers for all the questions in his head. Kyuhyun is in his vulnerable state and as a hyung, he held the responsible to make sure the vulnerable Kyuhyun doesn’t break.
--
Sungmin sighed tiredly as he stumbled into the dorm. He leaned against the wall as he took off his shoes. He was feeling extremely under the weather and it mainly because of what he expected to happen today.
His-no, not his anymore right? - Kyuhyun, being happy and in love with someone who’s not Sungmin.
“Minnie hyung?” he looked up lazily at Ryeowook’s voice, but seeing the smile on the eternal maknae’s face, he couldn’t help but to stretch a smile, albeit a small one.
“Hey, Wook,” he greeted the younger one, pushing himself from the wall and walked pass Ryeowook to the kitchen, “Where are the other members?”
“Schedule,” he answered, following Sungmin to the kitchen. He watched as Sungmin sat on the chair, taking a bite of the leftover breakfast and wait for a moment before he asked, “Min hyung, what happened last night?”
Sungmin’s movement stopped at the question and he looked up to Ryeowook, “What do you mean?”
“Well… It’s about Kyuhyun…” Ryeowook trailed off, not knowing how to put his questions in proper words.
“What about him?” Sungmin asked, “He didn’t come home last night?” he guessed. Besides, it could’ve been the most accurate guess. After the confession, Kyuhyun must’ve stayed over Kibum’s apartment, finally getting the happiness with the people he loves. The happiness he waited and cried for years.
So it’s a pure surprise when Ryeowook said the opposite, “He did came home last night. It’s just…well… I don’t know if you knew about this, but Kibum, Hae hyung and Hyuk hyung confessed to Kyuhyun last night.”
Sungmin looked at Ryeowook blankly, because of course he knew about this. Ryeowook took his silence as a sign to continue, “Anyway… They confessed and…”
A frown slowly found its way between his brows when Ryeowook looked at him seriously,
“….Kyuhyun rejected them.”
--
“He had been sleeping after breakfast. He didn’t eat much though. But hyung….” Ryeowook paused for a moment, “I got the feeling Kyu didn’t tell me everything. I…can’t understand why he would reject the trio.”
Sungmin said nothing, his eyes gazed softly at Kyuhyun’s sleeping face, the pad of his thumb brushed slightly against the younger one’s tears-stained cheeks. This is not what he expected to happen. Though what he expected will deeply hurt him, but at least Kyuhyun would be smiling and he’s sure with that angelic smile, his heart will heal in short time.
But now, even though the reality was different and close to what he wished for, it hurts him even deeper. Because Kyuhyun is crying. In pain. And he’s sure that cut on his heart won’t heal even though this is what he had been waiting for.
For Kyuhyun to be his.
Why is fate so unfair? he thought grimly, if he’s happy and I have to be hurt, it’s fine for me.
But for him to hurt so that I can be happy?
--
Two days after the confession, Kyuhyun is still avoiding Kibum, Donghae, Eunhyuk and even Sungmin. He prefers to keep a distance between him and his four hyungs, but careful to make it subtle. He hangs out with Leeteuk a lot, since he’s the leader and even though the older one has no clue of what was happening to the group’s maknae, his presence gave Kyuhyun the calmness he needed so badly, the calmness that disappeared every time he’s within the one foot radius from the four members.
Ryeowook noticed his edginess around the four members, but decided not to say anything in front of the other unsuspecting members. He tried to talk to Kyuhyun, but the younger one was never alone. There are always other members around him. It was as if Kyuhyun was using them as a barrier between him and the four, Ryeowook and his questions.
It was when they were finally alone that Ryeowook thinks it’s a perfect timing to get the questions out for Kyuhyun to answer. But the maknae’s edginess reminded him too much about the past, where they were alone in the practice room and Ryeowook was sobbing out a stream of apologize to Kyuhyun’s back. But back then, it was different. Because there’s Sungmin. The pink-lover male was there and it gave Ryeowook the strength to climb over the wall Kyuhyun built to keep him out.
But now, there’s no Sungmin. Only the two of them. However, that doesn’t mean Ryeowook won’t take the risk to climb the wall.
“Kyuhyun…” he started, and though he felt the anxiousness growing from the younger one, Kyuhyun managed to keep a calm façade.
“Kyu…” he repeated again, softer, “I want to ask you something.”
“Sure hyung,” Kyuhyun replied casually, busying himself by throwing random things into his duffel bag.
“…Are you still in love with Kibum, Donghae hyung and Hyuk hyung?” Ryeowook asked carefully.
Kyuhyun’s movement stopped at the question. He knew Ryeowook would ask him this question, but he’s not ready for this.
“What do you mean?” he asked back, trying to sound casual and indifference.
“I know you’re still in love with them,” Ryeowook concluded, “I saw you, Kyuhyun. I saw how you avoided them but secretly stealing glances towards them when they’re not watching. How you smiled fondly to their oblivious backs. I know.”
There was a short pause in Kyuhyun’s movement before he continued, hoping his silent reply would give Ryeowook the hint that he didn’t want to have this talk.
“Did you regret? Of rejecting them?”
That’s the last straw. Kyuhyun stopped throwing things into his bag and straightened his back, biting the inside of his cheeks before sighing softly. He took his bag and swung it over his shoulder, giving Ryeowook a side-glance, “I don’t.”
As he walked away, Ryeowook stopped him, “You don’t what? Love them? Or regret rejecting them?”
Kyuhyun said nothing, feeling himself unable to answer the questions. There was a soft scoff coming from Ryeowook, “I bet the answer for those questions is no.”
“I have to go,” Kyuhyun quickly said as the truth of the older one’s words pierced his heart. He walked towards the door without waiting for Ryeowook’s reply.
His steps were halted for one second when he saw Sungmin leaning against the wall beside the door, arms crossed over his chest. In that one second, their eyes were locked together, but no words were exchanged. It was when Heechul called for him that Kyuhyun broke the short staring competition and walked away.
--
“I saw you, Kyuhyun. I saw how you avoided them but secretly stealing glances towards them when they’re not watching. How you smiled fondly to their oblivious backs. I know.”
Kyuhyun sighed tiredly at Ryeowook’s words that had been playing in his mind like broken record. He couldn’t even focus on the variety show he was in because he kept remembering about what Ryeowook said to him. Heechul and the manager noticed that his mind always wander to somewhere else and told him to just go home to get some rest.
“Did you regret? Of rejecting them?”
Regret? Kyuhyun thought as he dragged his tired body to the dorm. He wasn’t sure if he regrets what happened that night, but he was sure he won’t be able to turn back the time and maybe fix everything. So, why bother talking about regrets?
However, he still wants to be close to them. Even if it’s only friendship or brotherhood, he didn’t mind as long as he can still talk, play, joke, laugh and even cry with them. He already told himself that if he confesses, no matter what happened after that, he still wants to keep their current relationship. And yet when the trio confessed and he rejected them-
“Oh, Kyu,” he looked up at Kibum’s voice and saw Donghae and Eunhyuk behind the actor.
-he couldn’t even bring himself to look into their eyes and say, ‘hey, hyung!’
He could barely hear the disappointed sigh coming from Kibum when he gave the actor a tight smile with his eyes darted to the floor, no words coming from him. His steps grew slower and he almost decided to turn around and run away. But he had been running away a lot in the past, and it’s time to grow up and face this like a mature man.
He entered the dorm, walking pass the trio, but his eyes didn’t fail to notice the bags in Donghae and Eunhyuk’s hands.
Maybe he had been staring at the bags too long, because Sungmin suddenly informed, “Donghae and Hyuk will be staying at Kibum’s place for a few days.”
He snapped his head towards the smiling male before averting his gaze dejectedly, “I see…”
“Kyuhyun…” Eunhyuk called out his name softly and Kyuhyun felt trapped, like he can’t escape anymore.
Eunhyuk looked over to Sungmin, a silent signal that they need some privacy and unlike in the past, Sungmin shrugged and disappeared into the kitchen. He was caught off the guard at Sungmin’s willingness to give them some time alone with Kyuhyun, but recovers as he turned his attention to the maknae.
“Look,” he started, “We need to talk.”
“There’s nothing for us to talk about, hyung,” Kyuhyun said softly, but his distant behavior said otherwise.
“Kyu,” this time, it was Donghae, “We didn’t mean to scare you.”
At this, Kyuhyun turned to face the trio, his face painted with confusion, “Scare me?”
“The confession,” Donghae said softly and Kyuhyun felt the urge to run away, “We didn’t mean to scare with you with it.”
Kyuhyun was confused at Donghae’s words. So that’s how he had been acting for these past two days? Scared?
“We hope we can still be friends,” Kibum said, sad eyes looking into Kyuhyun’s orbs, “We didn’t mean to ruin the comfortable relationship we had by confessing. It’s just…we need to get it out, we need you to know. But…even if you didn’t return our feelings, it’s okay. I just hope, we can go back to what we had before.”
He looked at Kyuhyun sincerely, “We still love you, Kyuhyun-ah. Even as a dongsaeng.”
Kibum lowered his head, “Sorry about that night,” he apologized softly. They stayed in that position and Kyuhyun was too surprised to say anything. Kibum sighed silently before turning around, Donghae and Eunhyuk following suit. Kyuhyun watched as they walked towards the door and seeing the bags and all, Kyuhyun felt seriously afraid because it reminded him to Hankyung leaving them.
“Hyung!” he called out involuntarily. It was when the trio turned their heads towards him that Kyuhyun realized what he was doing. He stammered, couldn’t find any words to say to the three males.
There was a pinch of hope in Kibum’s eyes as they locked their eyes together but it was soon disappeared when Kyuhyun said nothing, and standing still like an idiot. He gave the maknae one last smile before turning around and walked towards the door.
Stop them, Kyuhyun’s subconscious said, stop them, Cho Kyuhyun.
Donghae opened the door and after Eunhyuk had put on his shoes, they exited the dorm one by one. Stop them now. Hankyung hyung walked out that same door and he’s not coming back. If you let them go, maybe they’re not leaving the group, but they won’t be yours.
The door slowly closed until a click was heard, why can’t I stop them?
Kyuhyun lowered his head. Now everything is over. There’s no turning back to this.
He slowly turned around and dragged his suddenly heavy feet to his bedroom. He was a few steps away from the comfort of his bed when Sungmin appeared from the kitchen.
“They left?” Sungmin asked and when Kyuhyun said nothing, he walked towards the dejected young man. Kyuhyun’s hand was gripping the doorknob when Sungmin talked to him.
“Hey, what happened? Ryeowook told me you rejected the trio,” Sungmin gave him a playful smirk, “What, are you feeling sorry for me?”
Kyuhyun’s movement stopped and he looked up to Sungmin in mild surprise. He then bit his lips and averted his gaze, “No… It has nothing to do with you.”
Sungmin stared at the younger one and leaned against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest. He gave Kyuhyun a side-glance, “Are you pitying me because I got drunk and beaten up all because of you? Or are you just putting a ‘goody-two-shoes’ image?”
Kyuhyun’s head snapped towards the pink-lover male, his eyes widened slightly. Sungmin smirked, “Don’t deny it, Kyuhyun-ah. Don’t you think it’s a bit off from your Evil-Maknae title?”
The maknae frowned, completely offended by Sungmin’s words. The pink-lover male chuckled lightly as he pushed himself from the wall to face Kyuhyun, “But let’s just say you really pity me,” Kyuhyun flinched when Sungmin grabbed the back of his neck and crashed their lips into a messy kiss; Sungmin’s tongue grazing his teeth and the roof of his mouth greedily, leaving him breathless.
The older one pulled away with a soft ‘pop’, the same smirk on his face, “…Then be mine.”
Kyuhyun’s face changed from surprise to pure anger and he raised his hand. Sungmin shut his eyes, expecting a painful slap from the maknae, but instead of a slap, he received a soft pat on his cheek. He opened his eyes and saw Kyuhyun’s crying, “Y-You… You did that on purpose, don’t you?”
The vocalist sniffed and hiccupped, “You did that so I’d hate you and-and go running to them, don’t you?”
Sungmin stayed silent before he averted his gaze. He ruffled his hair, his voice wavered, “Don’t see through me…”
“You’re right hyung,” Kyuhyun sniffed, “The feeling I felt for you is just pity… No…” he took a shaky breath, “It’s worse than pity…”
“The reason why I didn’t accept their confession was merely because…” he cried harder, body shook as tremor of sadness surged through his body, “Because I didn’t want to end up being the bad guy…” All along, the phrase ‘for their sake’ or ‘for Sungmin hyung’s sake’, those were all reasons put on for a show.
When the truth was, he had been only protecting himself.
Kyuhyun was protecting himself so that he won’t be the reason for Sungmin’s heartbreak, so that he won’t be the reason for the betrayal of Kibum towards Donghae and Eunhyuk, so that he won’t be the reason for the betrayal of Eunhyuk and Donghae towards Kibum. He was protecting himself so that he won’t get hurt in the end.
All this time, when he thought he had let go of the rope, he actually still holding on the said rope, letting his body hang in the air. And when Sungmin offered his hand to pull him out, he refused not because he’s afraid of pulling Sungmin in, but he’s afraid if Sungmin let go of him. Even when Donghae, Kibum and Eunhyuk were calling for him, telling him to let go of the rope and just fall into their embrace, Kyuhyun refused because he’s afraid if the trio couldn’t catch him and let him fall and break onto the ground.
All this time, he had been thinking of himself only.
“I-I love them…” he confessed and Sungmin smiled softly. He kissed the crying male’s forehead, “Don’t tell me that. Tell them.”
Kyuhyun sobbed softly at Sungmin’s words before he wiped his tears and ran out of the dorm, leaving the pink-lover male with his own heartbreak. Sungmin sighed as soon as Kyuhyun had left and leaned against the wall. He slide down the wall when he felt his knees were too weak to hold him up and sat there alone, “In the end… He still runs to them…”
Sungmin turned his head to the side when he felt someone sat next to him and saw Ryeowook biting his lips. The eternal maknae hesitantly looked at him before offering him a soft smile. Sungmin stared at him for awhile before a soft smile broke across his face. Ryeowook jumped when the older one suddenly grabbed his hand and when he snapped his head towards the said male, eyes widened with confusion and cheeks flushed red, Sungmin was smiling as he kept his head forward.
And Ryeowook grinned when he heard Sungmin said, “I think I’m going to be okay now.”
--
Run.
He was running to the ones he loves. Kyuhyun, wanted to tell them so much, about his feelings and everything. He got lost a lot and he had been wrong a lot. Despite all the back and forth, despite everything, the only thing that will never change is his feelings towards Lee Donghae, Lee Hyukjae and Kim Kibum.
Kibum sighed when a soft ‘ding’ was heard, the elevator’s door opening. He stayed in his spot before Eunhyuk placed his palm on his waist, sending a soft smile laced with sadness to him, “Let’s go.”
The actor stared at the older male for a moment before turning his head towards Donghae. The fishy dancer grabbed his hand, squeezing it in assurance and Kibum breathe out, taking slow steps towards the elevator.
They were inside the elevator when they heard rapid footsteps coming towards them. Donghae instinctively pressed the button to hold the elevator’s door, already expecting someone who’s probably in hurry.
However, to their surprise, that someone turned out to be their - precious - maknae.
Kyuhyun panted as he stopped a few feet from the trio; he was bent forward with his hands on his knees, breathing heavily. Swallowing, he took a deep breath and straightened his back, a determine look on his face. But his look wavered and he couldn’t help the blush that creep on his neck and face and the fast thump, thump, thump in his heart.
He rejected them once, so this time, he’ll be the one to say it.
“Kyu-”
“I,” he started, cutting Eunhyuk off. He took a deep breath, “I have something to tell you guys.”
Kibum, Eunhyuk and Donghae’s eyes widened briefly before their gazes turned softer, looking as if they already know what Kyuhyun was about to say, but he didn’t mind. Kyuhyun bit his lips as he tried to stop himself from averting his gaze from their eyes. He’s determine, to say this out loud, clear and he won’t avert his eyes no matter how red his face was and how fast his heart was beating.
“Umm…. I might end up blabbering… But…But I want you to hear it,” he continued. Kibum, Donghae and Eunhyuk stepped out the elevator and took a few steps toward him, closing their distance, a soft smile on their faces, “We’re listening, Kyuhyun-ah.”
Tears rolled down Kyuhyun’s cheeks at Kibum’s words that never fails in touching his little heart. He sniffed and wiped his tears. He knew, this isn’t the time to cry, but he couldn’t help it. There were so many feelings mixing up in him right now and his heart felt like it’s going to burst any minutes now.
“I…” he wiped his eyes, “When you told me you guys love me and actually want me to be part of you, I…I thought it’s surreal and would only happen in a dream. I even thought it was a dream and I’m just forcing my head to imagine it so that I can be happy.”
“All this time, I had been watching the three of you from afar, from outside your little world, wishing - always wishing - that I’m part of that beautiful world. It-It had always been the three of you, but I couldn’t help but to let myself succumb into your world, to long for your touches, to want all of you. I couldn’t help myself from being greedy; and that’s exactly what I’d become. I became a greedy monster and I hurt a lot of people around me.”
“At first, I thought it’ll be okay if I kept my feelings inside because we’re already close and I thought it’s enough for me. And yet, it’s not enough… Despite everything, I still love you, I still long for you, I still wait for you. But again, I still stood still and do nothing. Even when you confessed, I couldn’t bring myself to say yes.”
“I thought, I was doing a good job, since I stopped myself from being greedy. But in the end, it’s just me afraid to move. It’s just me, protecting myself,” Kyuhyun cried harder and he wiped his face when he felt his vision was blurred by the hot tears. He knew, even though he couldn’t say it well, even though they’re not pretty words nor a beautiful confession, the most important thing is telling them everything from the depth of his heart.
“Loving you guys made me unable to control my feelings. I couldn’t help but to cry, to laugh, to feel nervous, to be scared…no matter how much I tried to get a better control on my emotions,” he choked out, “Loving you made me a mess, weakling and vulnerable but in the same time I felt like I’m floating on the clouds, being free.”
“And that’s why I held on that one good thing and-and-” he cried, “And just let myself love you even more.”
And without saying anything, Kibum hugged the maknae, Donghae and Eunhyuk’s arms enveloped the two of them. Kyuhyun cried harder and hugged the older male back, ‘I love you’s streaming out his lips like a mantra.