when you prey move your feet
A car horn wakes me,
2am, in a single bed with sheets too small. A dorm room in some
crappy hostel in some crappy city, in a country that is technically
home but hasn't felt like that for.... however long I've been away.
I lie in my unfamiliar bed thinking about where I am. On the road again
trying to find a place to call home for the next week, month, day.
The successes of the past 3 months are gone, a distant memory,
your only as good as your last performance and mine was (I’m in a 16 bed
dormitory in a cheap hostel with a fat middle aged Italian snoring in the
bed next to me), lets just say it didn't go well.
I'm trying not to curl up and cry from loneliness, I think about the city I'm in,
millions of people and I feel like the sole inhabitant. I find myself
praying, praying to a God I don't believe in, praying because at
least then I can feel that I have someone who understands. I'm
pathetic, at that moment, at that time when I am crying into my
pillow from the ache of my isolation, wishing to have someone to talk
to, I'm like a child, making imaginary friends to confide in hoping that it will
dry my tears.
It's at that moment that I know what has to be done I know that staying
here isn't a solution. 8 countries in 10 days is the solution,
street after street, language after language, show after show. I am a
show man without the show I am nothing without the audience I am
nothing, hundreds of faces anonymous but cheering and I love them, at
that moment they are my family they are the solution to the mind
numbing migraine of loneliness, they are the solution.... and the
cause. Without them I would be home with friends with family
surrounded, comfy and miserable. They are the solution and the cause.
The circle of addicts holding hands, sharing and the needle that
brought them to that church in the first place. Oh god cos it is an
addiction, the laughter and cheers of the crowds fuel me, push me.
Their rejection burns like acid.
So tomorrow I leave for another town and another show that might work .
Tomorrow night another prayer another God that might answer me.
Oh god as I prey let me move my feet that I may walk away from those
that shun me and the demons that haunt me after their rejection .
Amen