(no subject)
So, it's a new semester, and I have all these wonderful new classes. The weird thing about these classes is that many of them are very abstract or philosophical or theoretical (sometimes all three) and have a tendency to sway around from topic to topic, lighting upon each subject for a breath before moving on to something else entirely. It's really confusing, but I come up with the craziest and most wonderful ideas. If only I would write them down, huh?
Well, I was writing one of them down, and I know it is in no way scientific fact or anything like that, but I thought it was cool anyway. It had to do with moving through time, and normally I would try to write it here, but I would feel kind of foolish doing so and realize that I really need to clean my room. It's really very bad right now. I detest cleaning my room, but in a way, it's also kind of therapeutic, especially the part when you look at your nice, clean room and comfy bed then sit down with a good book or homework. It's incredibly relaxing.
I sometimes fear my life slipping into some sort of comfortable monotony, some simple, satisfying way of living. It's like a sedative. I'm just thrown into this life of class and homework and class and learning and reading (then the occasional party on the weekend*) and am finding some simple contentment. I suppose it's because I realize that what I am doing right now is a means to an end to a life that I hope to attain some day. I could never figure that out, the conflicting ideas of loving where you are at the moment, of how your life is but having to strive for something better? I can't understand. Perhaps this is only a conflict I am supposed to face as a youth. What a very simplistic way out, for me to attribute it to only being something for a certain period of life.
And now this brings me to wonder what the big deal is with simplicity. I don't think that there is anything too wrong with being simplistic. In fact, this urge and want for something complex or intricate, this thing in which we idealize people who are so complicated because they "fascinate" us? I'm not so sure it's right anymore. All of it is so... I don't even know how to describe it. Pompous? Yet, isn't my criticism of such a thing also contradictory of what I am saying? I'm not sure. Too many paradoxes. This is what my "Numbers, Knowledge, and Truth" class does to me. All we do is examine paradox upon paradox. My mind is being blown.
I also think I need to get some sort of mp3 player soon, as I currently have none and can't just bring my laptop with me everywhere to listen to music. Oh well.
Anyways, I still haven't begun cleaning my room. I don't even know where to begin.
And there are too many boys in my life right now, and I think two more are trying to wedge their way in. No beuno.
Also, I seem to be having some friendship problems with people whom I thought were my very good friends, but it might not be problems so much as the fact that I have overextended my stays with them. I can understand. I think I clung to them in a way I shouldn't have. December 2007 (which is kind of a year ago) I underwent this huge phase of depression, and every now and then these weird undercurrents of several things - made of demons and ghouls and haunts and spectres of my past that possess various circumstances of my life - wedge their way into my mind and line of sight. I was able to stave much of this off this past winter (which is a feat as most winters, like the late afternoons, I am engulfed in a darkness) and had attributed part of this to these friends. They had acted as some sort of shield for a while from these things, and were somewhat therapeutic. Now, however, it seems that they are beginning to become a trigger instead of an antidote. I guess the best solution would be to separate myself from them for a bit, and spend time with myself and with Toni. Toni somehow helps me feel not so alone a lot of the time.
I sincerely miss writing in my livejournal, but I can never think of things to write anymore. I guess I should just place my fingers on the keyboard and write. That seemed to help me just now. Any sort of rambling is good. Just writing is nice.
God, I miss sixth grade Eliana. I was so cool. (I wasn't really that cool. I was pretty nerdy, but in my eyes, I was cool.)
*These parties I don't even really plan on attending because usually, my plans for the weekends are to stay in all day and read, then I'm somehow roped into going out that night to some random event or something that I end up not even really enjoying that much. It's weird.
edit//OMG I LEARNED ABOUT BLUETOOTH ON MY COMPUTER. IT'S MAGIC.
Well, I was writing one of them down, and I know it is in no way scientific fact or anything like that, but I thought it was cool anyway. It had to do with moving through time, and normally I would try to write it here, but I would feel kind of foolish doing so and realize that I really need to clean my room. It's really very bad right now. I detest cleaning my room, but in a way, it's also kind of therapeutic, especially the part when you look at your nice, clean room and comfy bed then sit down with a good book or homework. It's incredibly relaxing.
I sometimes fear my life slipping into some sort of comfortable monotony, some simple, satisfying way of living. It's like a sedative. I'm just thrown into this life of class and homework and class and learning and reading (then the occasional party on the weekend*) and am finding some simple contentment. I suppose it's because I realize that what I am doing right now is a means to an end to a life that I hope to attain some day. I could never figure that out, the conflicting ideas of loving where you are at the moment, of how your life is but having to strive for something better? I can't understand. Perhaps this is only a conflict I am supposed to face as a youth. What a very simplistic way out, for me to attribute it to only being something for a certain period of life.
And now this brings me to wonder what the big deal is with simplicity. I don't think that there is anything too wrong with being simplistic. In fact, this urge and want for something complex or intricate, this thing in which we idealize people who are so complicated because they "fascinate" us? I'm not so sure it's right anymore. All of it is so... I don't even know how to describe it. Pompous? Yet, isn't my criticism of such a thing also contradictory of what I am saying? I'm not sure. Too many paradoxes. This is what my "Numbers, Knowledge, and Truth" class does to me. All we do is examine paradox upon paradox. My mind is being blown.
I also think I need to get some sort of mp3 player soon, as I currently have none and can't just bring my laptop with me everywhere to listen to music. Oh well.
Anyways, I still haven't begun cleaning my room. I don't even know where to begin.
And there are too many boys in my life right now, and I think two more are trying to wedge their way in. No beuno.
Also, I seem to be having some friendship problems with people whom I thought were my very good friends, but it might not be problems so much as the fact that I have overextended my stays with them. I can understand. I think I clung to them in a way I shouldn't have. December 2007 (which is kind of a year ago) I underwent this huge phase of depression, and every now and then these weird undercurrents of several things - made of demons and ghouls and haunts and spectres of my past that possess various circumstances of my life - wedge their way into my mind and line of sight. I was able to stave much of this off this past winter (which is a feat as most winters, like the late afternoons, I am engulfed in a darkness) and had attributed part of this to these friends. They had acted as some sort of shield for a while from these things, and were somewhat therapeutic. Now, however, it seems that they are beginning to become a trigger instead of an antidote. I guess the best solution would be to separate myself from them for a bit, and spend time with myself and with Toni. Toni somehow helps me feel not so alone a lot of the time.
I sincerely miss writing in my livejournal, but I can never think of things to write anymore. I guess I should just place my fingers on the keyboard and write. That seemed to help me just now. Any sort of rambling is good. Just writing is nice.
God, I miss sixth grade Eliana. I was so cool. (I wasn't really that cool. I was pretty nerdy, but in my eyes, I was cool.)
*These parties I don't even really plan on attending because usually, my plans for the weekends are to stay in all day and read, then I'm somehow roped into going out that night to some random event or something that I end up not even really enjoying that much. It's weird.
edit//OMG I LEARNED ABOUT BLUETOOTH ON MY COMPUTER. IT'S MAGIC.