You hold the pen to the story of your life :)
Dear (Former Lover, Friend, Foe, Acquaintance- & All the rest..)
I cannot believe there was a time when I had a terrible day simply because I missed a warm-up in math or could not buy the school yearbook. Conversely, I cannot believe there was a time when my day was wonderful because the guy I liked IM'd me with two short words. But I suppose that's 7th grade for you.
It's funny. Mrs. Costigan (was that how you spell her name? I can't even remember) warned us in 6th grade that there were two school years that would significantly change our lives: 7th grade was one of them. It's so true. I can't imagine that a woman so many years older than us, with so many years more experience could remember that far back to warn us of these two years. She said that 7th grade was the year that would be on either end of the spectrum: it could be wonderful or it could be horrific. For me, it was the former. I met people who are still in my lives (or, at least whom I still care about) and people who sincerely and enormously changed life as I knew it. Everything that happened in 7th grade still affects me. I still clamor up in front of that guy, and I still look up to that girl. Shannon and Kristen are still my best friends. I'm just as weight obsessed as I was then (and it's gotten so bad, that I'm more nervous in front of any size of an audience-- my self esteem is lower than it's ever been). I'm still striving to be different- I don't care what anyone says about my clothing choices. And that fight with Gaby affected our friendship so much, that we're still awkward around each other. These things didn't influence my life much in 8th or 9th grade, but now it's 10th grade--the second year that Mrs. C warned us about. And again, she was right. She warned us, "Don't worry. If 7th grade sucks for you, you'll have a wonderful 10th grade. But then again, it's vice versa. Fate will not let you have both. It's one, or it's the other."
Oh, how I hate how that wonderful woman was correct. I wish, if there was anything that that great teacher could be wrong about, that it would be about these two years-- two years where we are supposed to grow and learn, because these are the years where our hormones influence us the most. It's terrible. Most people dislike me, and because I try my best to avoid drama in all possible forms, I never denied certain rumors-- and I have a bad rep for it.
There are people I wish I had never converged paths with, and people I really wish I did. There are so many moments I regret, and I hate that I have such a distinct memory that replays my exact quotations from the previous day, over and over and over again like a terrible, awfully horrible, broken record.
Since 1st grade I've had trouble with my identity. And I'm totally not exaggerating. There are moments where I shudder--my life was really shit. I don't know how I was so naive and oblivious to such scarring moments. Anyway, even now I have no idea who I am. I have trouble saying no, and trouble saying yes, and it takes me 10 whole seconds to figure out whether I want to go right or left, up or down, by the tree or by my friends. I'm trying to think slowly--trying to take my time with every situation and decision I must make. Because this time, I don't want to be anything like those kids I grew up with-- I want in no way to be like my girls from 7th grade.
There is one person I truly and wholly respect more than anyone else I know, and that girl is Shannon. Shannon, from the day I met her up until this very moment, has not changed her values. She has grown immensely, but she has not changed her self worth, nor questioned herself in the name of others. Just like the moment I met that strappleberry gum chewing, checkerboarded skirt-wearing, loud, hilarous, outgoing, down-to-earth beauty, I still smile and feel proud to know this wonderful girl. I say it loud and proudly: "That's MY BEST friend." And now, more than ever, I want to scream that to the world. Because she hasn't changed herself, everyone loves her. Everyone loves her for the way she is-- and I get so (period-induced) emotional when I see that. Because--well. That's my best friend.
I suppose it's people like that that you need in your life. If there's anything I've learned it's that I simply cannot let myself get too attached to any human. That kid sitting next to me in Spanish won't talk to me after the class is over, and that girl in 5th period will forget that tear-filled speech at the end of January by next month. That other girl who promised me a drug that would "make you forget all of that, honey" has already forgotten my weak, uneasy refusual. And don't get me started with the girls I grew up with.
All I need are those few friends I have for right now. Boys are shit. I just need my girls, and those very few boys who I know would never try anything if we were ever alone. I've promised myself a few things, sat myself down and given myself a real good talk. I'm not going to let anyone compare me to those "spurr of the moment, WOOO" kids-- my peers. I want to be the one who is remembered, the one kid who people can say, "Oh, come to think of it, she did really try hard." I want to be looked up to, like all those smarties i look up to now. I don't want people to say, "Oh gosh, she died from a drug overdose " (I'm sorry for saying that.)
Or, "omggg she passed out dead drunk guys!" or even "she's had sex a million times, gross"
I just.. I just want to be different. Maybe I will get drunk, or have sex or whatever in high school. But if I do, I hope it'll be something I really think about. I don't see it happening. But it might. I don't know- I just don't want to be one of the million girls who got pregnant, or of the millions who has gotten drunk before the age of 18. I guess. I guess I don't want to be a statistic.
I don't want to be a statistic. I want to be THAT ONE. That ONE person who really did something with her life, you know? Maybe I've always liked being the center of attention, and this is just another form of that. But even if it is, I'm okay with being cocky just this once. Because I don't want to be part of the crowd in this way. I want to be the individual who did the most with her life. I want to do the most with my individual life as I possibly can, and that's how I want to change the world. I want to do the most that I possibly can.
I suppose I didn't see this all in 7th grade. That year was all about fitting in. That was about finally getting friends who liked me. I don't know if it was for the real me, but either way, it was a great year. 10th grade has been all about the roller coaster, and it was so hard holding on. But I'm ready. I've got the adrenalin right after the biggest drop, and though I'm ready for more, I know the ride is over. Though it was terrifying going up and up and up and then dropping- it was the greatest fall of my life. And just like after a big drop in a roller coaster, I've gotten used to it. I'm ready for more falls. In fact, I'll even go in line again just to put myself in the situation. Because I'm not afraid anymore.
Mrs. Costigan was right. 10th grade really sucked, but it's over and I survived. I really have wonderful friends, and there is not much I really regret, unless we start talking academic-wise. I hope 11th grade is wonderful.
And like the previous post, I hope you all are leading the lives you truly and sincerely want to. I don't mean to sound like your mother, but please make good choices. You probably will never read this, actually. But it's quite alright. I just needed to get this out.
And yet again, I hope you are all as happy as I am.
Love Always,
Kashish F. Nizami
I cannot believe there was a time when I had a terrible day simply because I missed a warm-up in math or could not buy the school yearbook. Conversely, I cannot believe there was a time when my day was wonderful because the guy I liked IM'd me with two short words. But I suppose that's 7th grade for you.
It's funny. Mrs. Costigan (was that how you spell her name? I can't even remember) warned us in 6th grade that there were two school years that would significantly change our lives: 7th grade was one of them. It's so true. I can't imagine that a woman so many years older than us, with so many years more experience could remember that far back to warn us of these two years. She said that 7th grade was the year that would be on either end of the spectrum: it could be wonderful or it could be horrific. For me, it was the former. I met people who are still in my lives (or, at least whom I still care about) and people who sincerely and enormously changed life as I knew it. Everything that happened in 7th grade still affects me. I still clamor up in front of that guy, and I still look up to that girl. Shannon and Kristen are still my best friends. I'm just as weight obsessed as I was then (and it's gotten so bad, that I'm more nervous in front of any size of an audience-- my self esteem is lower than it's ever been). I'm still striving to be different- I don't care what anyone says about my clothing choices. And that fight with Gaby affected our friendship so much, that we're still awkward around each other. These things didn't influence my life much in 8th or 9th grade, but now it's 10th grade--the second year that Mrs. C warned us about. And again, she was right. She warned us, "Don't worry. If 7th grade sucks for you, you'll have a wonderful 10th grade. But then again, it's vice versa. Fate will not let you have both. It's one, or it's the other."
Oh, how I hate how that wonderful woman was correct. I wish, if there was anything that that great teacher could be wrong about, that it would be about these two years-- two years where we are supposed to grow and learn, because these are the years where our hormones influence us the most. It's terrible. Most people dislike me, and because I try my best to avoid drama in all possible forms, I never denied certain rumors-- and I have a bad rep for it.
There are people I wish I had never converged paths with, and people I really wish I did. There are so many moments I regret, and I hate that I have such a distinct memory that replays my exact quotations from the previous day, over and over and over again like a terrible, awfully horrible, broken record.
Since 1st grade I've had trouble with my identity. And I'm totally not exaggerating. There are moments where I shudder--my life was really shit. I don't know how I was so naive and oblivious to such scarring moments. Anyway, even now I have no idea who I am. I have trouble saying no, and trouble saying yes, and it takes me 10 whole seconds to figure out whether I want to go right or left, up or down, by the tree or by my friends. I'm trying to think slowly--trying to take my time with every situation and decision I must make. Because this time, I don't want to be anything like those kids I grew up with-- I want in no way to be like my girls from 7th grade.
There is one person I truly and wholly respect more than anyone else I know, and that girl is Shannon. Shannon, from the day I met her up until this very moment, has not changed her values. She has grown immensely, but she has not changed her self worth, nor questioned herself in the name of others. Just like the moment I met that strappleberry gum chewing, checkerboarded skirt-wearing, loud, hilarous, outgoing, down-to-earth beauty, I still smile and feel proud to know this wonderful girl. I say it loud and proudly: "That's MY BEST friend." And now, more than ever, I want to scream that to the world. Because she hasn't changed herself, everyone loves her. Everyone loves her for the way she is-- and I get so (period-induced) emotional when I see that. Because--well. That's my best friend.
I suppose it's people like that that you need in your life. If there's anything I've learned it's that I simply cannot let myself get too attached to any human. That kid sitting next to me in Spanish won't talk to me after the class is over, and that girl in 5th period will forget that tear-filled speech at the end of January by next month. That other girl who promised me a drug that would "make you forget all of that, honey" has already forgotten my weak, uneasy refusual. And don't get me started with the girls I grew up with.
All I need are those few friends I have for right now. Boys are shit. I just need my girls, and those very few boys who I know would never try anything if we were ever alone. I've promised myself a few things, sat myself down and given myself a real good talk. I'm not going to let anyone compare me to those "spurr of the moment, WOOO" kids-- my peers. I want to be the one who is remembered, the one kid who people can say, "Oh, come to think of it, she did really try hard." I want to be looked up to, like all those smarties i look up to now. I don't want people to say, "Oh gosh, she died from a drug overdose " (I'm sorry for saying that.)
Or, "omggg she passed out dead drunk guys!" or even "she's had sex a million times, gross"
I just.. I just want to be different. Maybe I will get drunk, or have sex or whatever in high school. But if I do, I hope it'll be something I really think about. I don't see it happening. But it might. I don't know- I just don't want to be one of the million girls who got pregnant, or of the millions who has gotten drunk before the age of 18. I guess. I guess I don't want to be a statistic.
I don't want to be a statistic. I want to be THAT ONE. That ONE person who really did something with her life, you know? Maybe I've always liked being the center of attention, and this is just another form of that. But even if it is, I'm okay with being cocky just this once. Because I don't want to be part of the crowd in this way. I want to be the individual who did the most with her life. I want to do the most with my individual life as I possibly can, and that's how I want to change the world. I want to do the most that I possibly can.
I suppose I didn't see this all in 7th grade. That year was all about fitting in. That was about finally getting friends who liked me. I don't know if it was for the real me, but either way, it was a great year. 10th grade has been all about the roller coaster, and it was so hard holding on. But I'm ready. I've got the adrenalin right after the biggest drop, and though I'm ready for more, I know the ride is over. Though it was terrifying going up and up and up and then dropping- it was the greatest fall of my life. And just like after a big drop in a roller coaster, I've gotten used to it. I'm ready for more falls. In fact, I'll even go in line again just to put myself in the situation. Because I'm not afraid anymore.
Mrs. Costigan was right. 10th grade really sucked, but it's over and I survived. I really have wonderful friends, and there is not much I really regret, unless we start talking academic-wise. I hope 11th grade is wonderful.
And like the previous post, I hope you all are leading the lives you truly and sincerely want to. I don't mean to sound like your mother, but please make good choices. You probably will never read this, actually. But it's quite alright. I just needed to get this out.
And yet again, I hope you are all as happy as I am.
Love Always,
Kashish F. Nizami