When you look into your past and realise that your future ain't a whole lot better...
For someone who thrives off of physical affection, not being able to stand to have anyone touch her is fucking excruciating. As of right now, it hurts to wear clothes. The lightest touch hurts like a bitch. I've reached a lot of low points in dealing with this whole fibro thing, but the lowest has been when I cannot stand to be touched. I still remember crying when Jesse went to give me a hug because it hurt. It is the most lonely feeling, being cut off from physical affection, from just a simple touch from another human being. I have never felt more isolated than I do right now. Mom gave me a really light kiss on the cheek because anything more than that would have hurt. *sigh*
Sadly, I'm coming to the realisation that I shouldn't get my hopes up on finding a doctor who is willing to treat me. The fact that I convinced one of my doctors that I'm actually in pain, after three years, is a fucking miracle. I'm not holding my breath for anything more than that, not right now. On the outside, it may look like I'm sucking it up and dealing with it and working through the pain, but on the inside... I still haven't accepted it. I don't know if I really will. How can you reasonably be expected to accept the fact that for the rest of your life, you're going to be in pain and there is very little hope for a cure. I admire the people who can accept it, I know I'm definitely not at that point yet. It's really hard knowing that for the rest of my life, I'm going to deal with almost constant pain. I'm toughing through it better than I used to but some days... *sigh* I'm whining, I'm shutting up now.
-C.
Sadly, I'm coming to the realisation that I shouldn't get my hopes up on finding a doctor who is willing to treat me. The fact that I convinced one of my doctors that I'm actually in pain, after three years, is a fucking miracle. I'm not holding my breath for anything more than that, not right now. On the outside, it may look like I'm sucking it up and dealing with it and working through the pain, but on the inside... I still haven't accepted it. I don't know if I really will. How can you reasonably be expected to accept the fact that for the rest of your life, you're going to be in pain and there is very little hope for a cure. I admire the people who can accept it, I know I'm definitely not at that point yet. It's really hard knowing that for the rest of my life, I'm going to deal with almost constant pain. I'm toughing through it better than I used to but some days... *sigh* I'm whining, I'm shutting up now.
-C.