Wallow with me.
So i had a great time at laneway yesterday with Tansie, a girl i have never actually spoken to except once on facebook to say hi, and once to ask if she wanted my extra laneway ticket.
Blast.
let me just put a downer on all that.
Today i realised just how crap mine and nic's relationship is. We don't spend time together, we don't talk. I'm pretty sure we don't even enjoy each others company.
I've just realised how much i hate my life. Not the life in general, but the way i'm living it. I feel like the only reason i exist is to clean the house, feed the children, change nappies, do washing, make dinner, all that stuff. I'm not living. I'm existing.
Those poor children deserve someone so much better than me. Someone who will pay a lot more attention to them. Who will play with them and spend time with them and not feel so worn out all the time. They deserve a father who does the same, who instead of waking up, sometimes making them breakfast, playing WoW, going to work, sometimes coming home for lunch and playing WoW, coming home from work at the end of the day, Playing WoW, eating dinner, Playing WoW, maybe helping put them to bed, and going to sleep, actually enjoys them, is concerned about what they're doing, is interested in their lives, WANTS TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS FAMILY.
And don't get me wrong, i'm not putting all the blame on him. I'm a shit mother. I spend all my time on the internet. Sure I meet their basic needs, most of the time, but do I care? am I interested? Do i want to spend time with them?
Why am I so concerned about myself?
I would like to stop life from being just a phase of going through the motions. Day to day life is going through the motions, I'm definitely not enjoying myself, how could anyone in this house be? Church is going through the motions. I don't even know what my beliefs are. I don't know if I have faith, or if I'm just going along because that's what's expected of me, as the wife of a mormon, as the mother of children who have mormon grandparents, mormon aunts, uncles and cousins.
I feel like my whole life has been this big rush to get to the finish line. Nothing has been on my terms. Rush to grow up, to take care of my parents who were barely able to take care of themselves, to take care of my brother who was too young to take care of himself, or who, by the time he was old enough to, was so not used to, and not EXPECTED to take care of himself.
Rush to get married, oh crap, pregnant. Mormon doctrine says you should be married, a man and a woman should not live together in a relationship if they're not married. I'm 18 years old, to young to even know what I want to do with my life. Left home in a rush, because finally I've realised I can't put up with the emotional abuse. Feeling jumpy, guilty, like i can't do anything right. Scared shitless. Not even able to take care of myself, let alone a helpless infant. But mormon doctrine. The only people in a position to help us is nic's family. If they're going to help us it has to be on their terms. If we want to live together, we have to be married. Never mind knowing if we're right for each other, if our relationship would work out, we're stuck together for life now.
Had the pregnancy never have happened, would I have done things differently? Absolutely.
I would have spent some time figuring who I was, without the environment I grew up in, with the stigma and expectations that came with being who I was, surrounded by people that had known me for 5-12 years, in the condition I was in.
Would I have learnt to stand on my own two feet? I sure as hell would like to have tried.
It would have been nice for me to be able to pull myself together, get my head around who I was and where I was going, before I was suddenly responsible for more people.
Things happening so quick, all of a sudden I'm married. Then I move to a city where I don't know anyone. Live briefly with Nic's sister, who i had spent little time with and barely knew. Nic's parents move down soon after. Life goes on. We struggle financially. I struggle to get my head around motherhood, and being a wife. At 18.
during this time i'm rushed into becoming a mormon. I don't want to say I was forced into it by nic's family, because that's not what happened. I will admit that I wanted to try to please them, to fit in, to be accepted. I wanted the kind of family life you see on tv, like full house, where everyone is so wholesome and kind and loving. Most importantly I wanted life to be as far removed from what my parent's were like as possible. Can't get much further than being a mormon.
Because I don't really know a lot about the church, and i'm curious, missionaries come round, and teach the discussions. Because they seem like nice people, and what they're teaching seems to make sense, I say ok. I'll be baptised. Make me better, fix me. Make me acceptable. Erase all the things in my life I've screwed up. Dissolve the behaviour that seemed so normal at the time, and looking back I deplore.
So to usher in my new life as a wife and mother, to make me wholesome and loving and kind and the kind of mother I wish I had, who would have stopped me from throwing myself to the sharks, from having no respect for myself, I was baptised.
One year later, i'd been attending church for a while, starting to get the hang of things, and then, uh oh, it's essential to your eternal salvation to be sealed in the temple, for time, AND ALL ETERNITY.
One more thing on the checklist.
At first i resist. I'm not ready. I hardly have my head around this church thing. I hardly ever pray. I never pray in front of people. I feel ridiculous. I figure I'm ok, I have an out, there's no way we can afford to travel to Hamilton to attend the temple.
Then Nic's parents offer to pay. They Fly me and Xanthe up there and Nic travels by car with his family.
We unceremoniously, uncelebratorily, hurriedly go through the temple, take out our endowments and are sealed as a family for time and ALL ETERNITY. Again, not on my terms.
I go through the temple expecting this great feeling of peace and fulfilment to wash over me, to envelope me, to make me feel warm and fuzzy and loved.
Instead I feel nervous, uncomfortable, ill-prepared.
I stop attending church for a time in 2006. Morning meetings are too hard to make it on time to. I have a calling that makes me uncomfortable, nervous. I've never been in young womens as a young woman. I have no idea how things are run, what is expected of me. I don't seem to be getting much help. I put it in the too hard basket and stop showing up.
We move back into our first house we moved into on our own as a family, we're on our own again, without others living with us. We have an extra family member, Olorin. We think we should live righteously and, most importantly, church is in the afternoon again. We go back to church.
I've now been a member for 3 and a half years, and I still don't feel much more comfortable. I still pray only occasionally, although a lot more than I used to. I try to make an effort to read my scriptures, if not every day, at least once a week. I don't often understand what I'm reading, but I'm making the effort. Whats the point if your husband, your priesthood holder, makes no effort? Shows no interest. Goes through the motions.
Testimony meetings still make me feel uncomfortable. I have still never prayed in front of other people at church.
I'm not even sure if baptism, let alone making temple covenants was the right thing for me to do.
I don't know what I believe.
More of the going-through-the-motions.
I've had enough. I want life to change. I want to be able to enjoy the time I get to spend with my family, and more importantly, I want them to enjoy the time they spend with me.
I want life to be happy, loving, and sincere. I'm sick of racing for the finish line. I'm sick of getting by on the bare minimum, or attempting to make and effort and not being supported.
I've told Nic that we need to either work on our marriage, even if it means getting counselling, or put it to rest. Walk away from that which possibly should never have been and start again. Either way, we need to try to be happy.
I told him that his lack of response indicated to me that he was not willing to work at the marriage and I therefore took it as a sign that he would be happier if we separated.
He persisted to ignore me.
I don't know what to think, let alone what to do right now.
If this all falls apart, where do I go? How do I get there? How will I survive.
It's so bad that I'm thinking of the places that my children will be better off. Maybe I should send them to a foster home, should they be adopted by someone who will give them everything they deserve?
If I'm to give up on myself, I don't want them to suffer, I want them to have a chance at life, even if I choose to end mine.
I know that Nic will not be able to cope with them on his own, he can barely do it when I'm here.
and the next step is the technical difficulties. How does one facilitate a suicide?
What way can I not chicken out.
Whats available?
I should go and lay down on the highway.
Blast.
let me just put a downer on all that.
Today i realised just how crap mine and nic's relationship is. We don't spend time together, we don't talk. I'm pretty sure we don't even enjoy each others company.
I've just realised how much i hate my life. Not the life in general, but the way i'm living it. I feel like the only reason i exist is to clean the house, feed the children, change nappies, do washing, make dinner, all that stuff. I'm not living. I'm existing.
Those poor children deserve someone so much better than me. Someone who will pay a lot more attention to them. Who will play with them and spend time with them and not feel so worn out all the time. They deserve a father who does the same, who instead of waking up, sometimes making them breakfast, playing WoW, going to work, sometimes coming home for lunch and playing WoW, coming home from work at the end of the day, Playing WoW, eating dinner, Playing WoW, maybe helping put them to bed, and going to sleep, actually enjoys them, is concerned about what they're doing, is interested in their lives, WANTS TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS FAMILY.
And don't get me wrong, i'm not putting all the blame on him. I'm a shit mother. I spend all my time on the internet. Sure I meet their basic needs, most of the time, but do I care? am I interested? Do i want to spend time with them?
Why am I so concerned about myself?
I would like to stop life from being just a phase of going through the motions. Day to day life is going through the motions, I'm definitely not enjoying myself, how could anyone in this house be? Church is going through the motions. I don't even know what my beliefs are. I don't know if I have faith, or if I'm just going along because that's what's expected of me, as the wife of a mormon, as the mother of children who have mormon grandparents, mormon aunts, uncles and cousins.
I feel like my whole life has been this big rush to get to the finish line. Nothing has been on my terms. Rush to grow up, to take care of my parents who were barely able to take care of themselves, to take care of my brother who was too young to take care of himself, or who, by the time he was old enough to, was so not used to, and not EXPECTED to take care of himself.
Rush to get married, oh crap, pregnant. Mormon doctrine says you should be married, a man and a woman should not live together in a relationship if they're not married. I'm 18 years old, to young to even know what I want to do with my life. Left home in a rush, because finally I've realised I can't put up with the emotional abuse. Feeling jumpy, guilty, like i can't do anything right. Scared shitless. Not even able to take care of myself, let alone a helpless infant. But mormon doctrine. The only people in a position to help us is nic's family. If they're going to help us it has to be on their terms. If we want to live together, we have to be married. Never mind knowing if we're right for each other, if our relationship would work out, we're stuck together for life now.
Had the pregnancy never have happened, would I have done things differently? Absolutely.
I would have spent some time figuring who I was, without the environment I grew up in, with the stigma and expectations that came with being who I was, surrounded by people that had known me for 5-12 years, in the condition I was in.
Would I have learnt to stand on my own two feet? I sure as hell would like to have tried.
It would have been nice for me to be able to pull myself together, get my head around who I was and where I was going, before I was suddenly responsible for more people.
Things happening so quick, all of a sudden I'm married. Then I move to a city where I don't know anyone. Live briefly with Nic's sister, who i had spent little time with and barely knew. Nic's parents move down soon after. Life goes on. We struggle financially. I struggle to get my head around motherhood, and being a wife. At 18.
during this time i'm rushed into becoming a mormon. I don't want to say I was forced into it by nic's family, because that's not what happened. I will admit that I wanted to try to please them, to fit in, to be accepted. I wanted the kind of family life you see on tv, like full house, where everyone is so wholesome and kind and loving. Most importantly I wanted life to be as far removed from what my parent's were like as possible. Can't get much further than being a mormon.
Because I don't really know a lot about the church, and i'm curious, missionaries come round, and teach the discussions. Because they seem like nice people, and what they're teaching seems to make sense, I say ok. I'll be baptised. Make me better, fix me. Make me acceptable. Erase all the things in my life I've screwed up. Dissolve the behaviour that seemed so normal at the time, and looking back I deplore.
So to usher in my new life as a wife and mother, to make me wholesome and loving and kind and the kind of mother I wish I had, who would have stopped me from throwing myself to the sharks, from having no respect for myself, I was baptised.
One year later, i'd been attending church for a while, starting to get the hang of things, and then, uh oh, it's essential to your eternal salvation to be sealed in the temple, for time, AND ALL ETERNITY.
One more thing on the checklist.
At first i resist. I'm not ready. I hardly have my head around this church thing. I hardly ever pray. I never pray in front of people. I feel ridiculous. I figure I'm ok, I have an out, there's no way we can afford to travel to Hamilton to attend the temple.
Then Nic's parents offer to pay. They Fly me and Xanthe up there and Nic travels by car with his family.
We unceremoniously, uncelebratorily, hurriedly go through the temple, take out our endowments and are sealed as a family for time and ALL ETERNITY. Again, not on my terms.
I go through the temple expecting this great feeling of peace and fulfilment to wash over me, to envelope me, to make me feel warm and fuzzy and loved.
Instead I feel nervous, uncomfortable, ill-prepared.
I stop attending church for a time in 2006. Morning meetings are too hard to make it on time to. I have a calling that makes me uncomfortable, nervous. I've never been in young womens as a young woman. I have no idea how things are run, what is expected of me. I don't seem to be getting much help. I put it in the too hard basket and stop showing up.
We move back into our first house we moved into on our own as a family, we're on our own again, without others living with us. We have an extra family member, Olorin. We think we should live righteously and, most importantly, church is in the afternoon again. We go back to church.
I've now been a member for 3 and a half years, and I still don't feel much more comfortable. I still pray only occasionally, although a lot more than I used to. I try to make an effort to read my scriptures, if not every day, at least once a week. I don't often understand what I'm reading, but I'm making the effort. Whats the point if your husband, your priesthood holder, makes no effort? Shows no interest. Goes through the motions.
Testimony meetings still make me feel uncomfortable. I have still never prayed in front of other people at church.
I'm not even sure if baptism, let alone making temple covenants was the right thing for me to do.
I don't know what I believe.
More of the going-through-the-motions.
I've had enough. I want life to change. I want to be able to enjoy the time I get to spend with my family, and more importantly, I want them to enjoy the time they spend with me.
I want life to be happy, loving, and sincere. I'm sick of racing for the finish line. I'm sick of getting by on the bare minimum, or attempting to make and effort and not being supported.
I've told Nic that we need to either work on our marriage, even if it means getting counselling, or put it to rest. Walk away from that which possibly should never have been and start again. Either way, we need to try to be happy.
I told him that his lack of response indicated to me that he was not willing to work at the marriage and I therefore took it as a sign that he would be happier if we separated.
He persisted to ignore me.
I don't know what to think, let alone what to do right now.
If this all falls apart, where do I go? How do I get there? How will I survive.
It's so bad that I'm thinking of the places that my children will be better off. Maybe I should send them to a foster home, should they be adopted by someone who will give them everything they deserve?
If I'm to give up on myself, I don't want them to suffer, I want them to have a chance at life, even if I choose to end mine.
I know that Nic will not be able to cope with them on his own, he can barely do it when I'm here.
and the next step is the technical difficulties. How does one facilitate a suicide?
What way can I not chicken out.
Whats available?
I should go and lay down on the highway.