(no subject)
So even though I know Kristy is the only one who reads this I think I'm going to bitch. Wait let me rephrase that. Since I'm glad no one but Kristy reads this I'm going to let things flow a little. It's more private this way.
So it's be 2 weeks. Going on three. and I almost worked upthe courage to im him and say i was sorry. Sorry for ignoring him. Sorry for not doing whatever it was I wasn't doing. Sorry for being myself. Sorry for attaching myself to you. Sorry for giving you literally the last thing I could have given a man. boy. male. whatever. Sorry for ever letting myself believe I loved you.
I want to write him something. Just to talk to him but I could never let him know any of this.
I see your screen name on every night now. I used to have you blocked but I took it away because I missed seeing it there on my window. I don't know if it was for her or not, Mike. I don't know, but even if it's not, this hurts so much worse than everything I've ever expirenced. I've been hung over a guy before. But not like this. Not like this where I hope every night, every time I see you in school, every time I look at my phone, that you'll im me, talk to me or try and contact me, and say "I still love you". All I want is for you to contact me first. I want even a "BITCH!" from you now. Why is it that when I finally gave in. I finally let myself believe things could work out. That we could atleast be together for longer than a few months. Why is it that right then you left. I know in school I seem happy, but every time i see you I feel like I want to cry. Like now. I try not to let this get to me, I really do. I've tried to move on quickly and in the end I just burned myself. It ended up making me miss you more and feeling so sorry for myself. All I want to know is why. Why didn't you tell me sooner. Or what happened to "When there's something wrong we're going to tell each other, promise". Why did you let it build up. Why can't I make you happy anymore. I understand it's not all me, you're matuing, what you like is changing. But why did your feelings for me have to change. I get so upset when I think about what you used to say to me. "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. ever" Do you still think that about me? Or do you think she's better now. You used to tell me you'd pick me over anyone. I guess you were lying. I don't know what I'm accomplishing writing this. You'll never see it. It only makes me even more sad. But I think about this constantly. It's always in the back of my mind. I miss your soft lips. I was walking down my stairs the other day and I caught a whiff of what smelled like your hair. I cried for about 1/2 hour. I miss that smell so much. I miss the way you made me laugh. I miss the way even though I told you ever embarasing story and secret I ever had, I still felt just as embaressed when you brought it up. I miss the way you used to touch my stomach and say it was the softest thing ever even though it's a little pot belly and it's funny shapped. I miss the way you would look at me and I knew you weren't seeing anything but perfection. But were you? Was I reading that wrong? Were you looking at me in disgust? Or did you just see a body, something to touch and to get off with? I just want to know why you stopped loving me when I can't stop loving you. I want to know why you've been fine while I've cried for three weeks. I want to know why you were so calm on that night when i was ont he ground hyperventilating. I want to know why you haven't said you love me yet. Why you haven't come back. Like I did so many times for you. Why you left me right when I needed you the most. Why..... Why Why Why. Why can't I see myself with any one but you? Why are there so many better guys out there and all I want is you? Why don't you want me. What changed in you that you just didn't want me anymore? Why do I still blame myself.
I don't know. I don't think anyone can answer any of this. I just hope and can move on sometime. Soon. I can;t take this shit anymore
So it's be 2 weeks. Going on three. and I almost worked upthe courage to im him and say i was sorry. Sorry for ignoring him. Sorry for not doing whatever it was I wasn't doing. Sorry for being myself. Sorry for attaching myself to you. Sorry for giving you literally the last thing I could have given a man. boy. male. whatever. Sorry for ever letting myself believe I loved you.
I want to write him something. Just to talk to him but I could never let him know any of this.
I see your screen name on every night now. I used to have you blocked but I took it away because I missed seeing it there on my window. I don't know if it was for her or not, Mike. I don't know, but even if it's not, this hurts so much worse than everything I've ever expirenced. I've been hung over a guy before. But not like this. Not like this where I hope every night, every time I see you in school, every time I look at my phone, that you'll im me, talk to me or try and contact me, and say "I still love you". All I want is for you to contact me first. I want even a "BITCH!" from you now. Why is it that when I finally gave in. I finally let myself believe things could work out. That we could atleast be together for longer than a few months. Why is it that right then you left. I know in school I seem happy, but every time i see you I feel like I want to cry. Like now. I try not to let this get to me, I really do. I've tried to move on quickly and in the end I just burned myself. It ended up making me miss you more and feeling so sorry for myself. All I want to know is why. Why didn't you tell me sooner. Or what happened to "When there's something wrong we're going to tell each other, promise". Why did you let it build up. Why can't I make you happy anymore. I understand it's not all me, you're matuing, what you like is changing. But why did your feelings for me have to change. I get so upset when I think about what you used to say to me. "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. ever" Do you still think that about me? Or do you think she's better now. You used to tell me you'd pick me over anyone. I guess you were lying. I don't know what I'm accomplishing writing this. You'll never see it. It only makes me even more sad. But I think about this constantly. It's always in the back of my mind. I miss your soft lips. I was walking down my stairs the other day and I caught a whiff of what smelled like your hair. I cried for about 1/2 hour. I miss that smell so much. I miss the way you made me laugh. I miss the way even though I told you ever embarasing story and secret I ever had, I still felt just as embaressed when you brought it up. I miss the way you used to touch my stomach and say it was the softest thing ever even though it's a little pot belly and it's funny shapped. I miss the way you would look at me and I knew you weren't seeing anything but perfection. But were you? Was I reading that wrong? Were you looking at me in disgust? Or did you just see a body, something to touch and to get off with? I just want to know why you stopped loving me when I can't stop loving you. I want to know why you've been fine while I've cried for three weeks. I want to know why you were so calm on that night when i was ont he ground hyperventilating. I want to know why you haven't said you love me yet. Why you haven't come back. Like I did so many times for you. Why you left me right when I needed you the most. Why..... Why Why Why. Why can't I see myself with any one but you? Why are there so many better guys out there and all I want is you? Why don't you want me. What changed in you that you just didn't want me anymore? Why do I still blame myself.
I don't know. I don't think anyone can answer any of this. I just hope and can move on sometime. Soon. I can;t take this shit anymore