Can't make deadjournal load... so here I write
Forgive me, those of you whom I may depress. Forgive me, also, if I sound exceptionally whiny.
I'm actually kinda pissed off. At my sister. I spent most of the night with Keith, her husband. He said ever since the start of this she's kinda just given up. Had the wrong attitude from the start. I think maybe somebody needs to have a candid little talk with her. A "hey, you're not giving up yet," kind of talk. I was so surprised to hear that. She's usually so strong. She has so much to live for.... I don't know what to make of that.
Keith, of course, is a mess. 4-5 hours of sleep in about as many days. Sometimes your mind just won't shut off. It's my sister, I love her dearly... of course. But that's his wife. I can't even imagine.... Can't begin to imagine. He's starting to give up. Seems like everyone's starting to give up except me. I don't like it. I actually rather hate it.
Tomorrow they're going to take a bone marrow sample. Maybe give her a "you have x years... or months... or weeks or days or hours" talk. I'm sure that will cheer her up nicely. It doesn't matter to me. They're wrong with that talk all the time. I don't know for sure if they're going to do that. They'll discuss treatment options. Try to at least delay it.
If she had the right attitude she could beat it. If she doesn't, then yeah, she won't. I need to talk to my sister, now. So mad.
And then there's the Natalie situation. I wish she wasn't scared. I want her to go have fun. To be free. To keep me in mind, but to go see what else is out there. That is what's for the best, I know. Sure, it'll kill me a little to know she had a great time with whoever, that maybe she kissed whoever, whatever. It'll hurt, because yeah, I'm in love with her. But she needs to go see what's out there. Maybe... maybe... it's not me. I think it is. A large part of her thinks it is. I know it is.... ha. But she needs to go see for herself. She needs to not be afraid. Right now she's on her own, and I understand and respect that. I just want her to be happy... all I've ever wanted.
I'm so worried about so much right now. I am unable to enact my defense mechanism of standing back and laughing at it all. It's just not funny anymore, not even on the "man does life suck, look at the irony of it all" scale. Life just sucks, and it's starting to come down on me a little.
I need to talk to Natalie, just talk with her, reassure her. I need to talk to my sister, whip her ass a little, put some fire back in her heart. I need people to be better, generally. I need everyone I care about to stop being sick, to stop worrying, and to be ok. I'd so gladly take it all on for any or all of them. I can't do that. I can't take my sister's cancer. I can't take... whatever it is that's making Natalie feel bad. I can't take her anxiety about her situation with me, her situation with other guys.
All I can do is try to help, however I can. I pray. I pray so much now. It's helped in these situations before. My uncle should be dead. They told him to go put his final affairs in order. He's still around. He says he literally heard God. God told him He was keeping him around for his daughter.
She has Jeffrey. How could God take her away now? She has to fight. I have to talk to her. I know nobody else will say the things to her that I will now. But I'm mad, and she's going to know it. I don't know if it'll help. Maybe it'll just piss her off at me, and then she won't want to talk to me anymore. But if her attitude doesn't change she won't be talking to anyone much longer. I have to try. Won't be easy for me to go in there, see her lying in bed sick, and be angry at her, talk to her like that. But it's all I can do now. I have to try.
As for Natalie, I'll do whatever I can for her. Talk to her. Tell her not to be afraid. Tell her that no matter what happens, I'll always love her. I tell her that all the time, but yeah, I'll keep saying it.
For the rest of my family, it's have an open ear, listen, talk. Nothing more I can do.
I have to be strong right now. I am strong. My problems are mine, and I'll deal with them. I have outlets, and I'll use them. But I have to be so strong for so many right now, and I will be.
So help me God.
I'm actually kinda pissed off. At my sister. I spent most of the night with Keith, her husband. He said ever since the start of this she's kinda just given up. Had the wrong attitude from the start. I think maybe somebody needs to have a candid little talk with her. A "hey, you're not giving up yet," kind of talk. I was so surprised to hear that. She's usually so strong. She has so much to live for.... I don't know what to make of that.
Keith, of course, is a mess. 4-5 hours of sleep in about as many days. Sometimes your mind just won't shut off. It's my sister, I love her dearly... of course. But that's his wife. I can't even imagine.... Can't begin to imagine. He's starting to give up. Seems like everyone's starting to give up except me. I don't like it. I actually rather hate it.
Tomorrow they're going to take a bone marrow sample. Maybe give her a "you have x years... or months... or weeks or days or hours" talk. I'm sure that will cheer her up nicely. It doesn't matter to me. They're wrong with that talk all the time. I don't know for sure if they're going to do that. They'll discuss treatment options. Try to at least delay it.
If she had the right attitude she could beat it. If she doesn't, then yeah, she won't. I need to talk to my sister, now. So mad.
And then there's the Natalie situation. I wish she wasn't scared. I want her to go have fun. To be free. To keep me in mind, but to go see what else is out there. That is what's for the best, I know. Sure, it'll kill me a little to know she had a great time with whoever, that maybe she kissed whoever, whatever. It'll hurt, because yeah, I'm in love with her. But she needs to go see what's out there. Maybe... maybe... it's not me. I think it is. A large part of her thinks it is. I know it is.... ha. But she needs to go see for herself. She needs to not be afraid. Right now she's on her own, and I understand and respect that. I just want her to be happy... all I've ever wanted.
I'm so worried about so much right now. I am unable to enact my defense mechanism of standing back and laughing at it all. It's just not funny anymore, not even on the "man does life suck, look at the irony of it all" scale. Life just sucks, and it's starting to come down on me a little.
I need to talk to Natalie, just talk with her, reassure her. I need to talk to my sister, whip her ass a little, put some fire back in her heart. I need people to be better, generally. I need everyone I care about to stop being sick, to stop worrying, and to be ok. I'd so gladly take it all on for any or all of them. I can't do that. I can't take my sister's cancer. I can't take... whatever it is that's making Natalie feel bad. I can't take her anxiety about her situation with me, her situation with other guys.
All I can do is try to help, however I can. I pray. I pray so much now. It's helped in these situations before. My uncle should be dead. They told him to go put his final affairs in order. He's still around. He says he literally heard God. God told him He was keeping him around for his daughter.
She has Jeffrey. How could God take her away now? She has to fight. I have to talk to her. I know nobody else will say the things to her that I will now. But I'm mad, and she's going to know it. I don't know if it'll help. Maybe it'll just piss her off at me, and then she won't want to talk to me anymore. But if her attitude doesn't change she won't be talking to anyone much longer. I have to try. Won't be easy for me to go in there, see her lying in bed sick, and be angry at her, talk to her like that. But it's all I can do now. I have to try.
As for Natalie, I'll do whatever I can for her. Talk to her. Tell her not to be afraid. Tell her that no matter what happens, I'll always love her. I tell her that all the time, but yeah, I'll keep saying it.
For the rest of my family, it's have an open ear, listen, talk. Nothing more I can do.
I have to be strong right now. I am strong. My problems are mine, and I'll deal with them. I have outlets, and I'll use them. But I have to be so strong for so many right now, and I will be.
So help me God.