the life of a struggling juggler.
okay, so according to my lj, i haven't updated in 8 weeks. if anyone cares to know what has been going on in my life, read on.
so far, i guess im alright. (this statement might change in a little while) still surviving and learning the ins and outs of motherhood. masaya siya actually. rewarding ang feeling pag nakikita mo shang nagssmile and all that pero shempre, i was never prepared for preparing milk at 230 in the morning, cleaning her poop at 4am, falling asleep while feeding her and sleepless nights. who would have thought that after receiving my diploma that i worked so hard for 3 and a half years i'd be dealing with bottled milks, pacifiers and diapers?! PANALO.
don't get me wrong. i have no regrets at all or whatever kung asan man ako ngayon. as my mom would put it "buntot mo, hila mo." pero shempre, tao lang ako and i sometimes feel bad thinking about the what-could-have-beens in my life. for crying out loud, im only 22, jobless and already a mother. plus, let's not forget the fact that i also have a husband. (well, yeah, not yet husband-husband in its real context but basically, meron na talaga akong asawa. as they would put it "pamilyadong tao" na ako) it's one thing that im a mother but it's another case being a wife, a daughter and a daughter-in-law (hilaw na daughter-in-law that is).
honestly, it's hard to juggle all the roles that i play everyday. i mean i love the roles and the tasks that comes along with it pero for one to do all of it at the same time, nakakamangha nalang isipin kung saang lupalop ng mundo ko nakukuha ung strength ko to do all of it.
creating and having a family of your own is something school will never ever teach you. the things you need to know, would just come; you would learn each day. again, masaya kasi it's another day of higher learning (yes, artapre ito.) pero shempre, minsan, mas masaya kung before palang, alam mo na yung gagawin and how to approach a scenario in the family life. kung hindi mo man totally alam, at least as simple as having an idea would help. clarify ko lang: hindi ako tanga. pero meron lang talagang mga bagay-bagay na parang, "ganun pala yon?!". even with the confidence that i have in myself, meron pa ring mga moments na sablay.
anyway, speaking of being jobless, i received a lot of work offers even when i was pregnant. well, mostly call center jobs. and most of the time, dedma ako about it. why? ayoko mag call center. period. nakakatawa pa ngang isipin na there was this time, i was in my nagmumukmok moment, when i called upon God, na parang "Lord, kelangan ko ng trabaho." (i prayed because i was starting to get depressed about the fact rhat i don't have a single CENTAVO to my name." lo and behold, may nagtext sa akin na if im interested, job interview na agad kinabukasan. bottomline: nakakatakot si God. ang bilis sumagot. hahaha! pero seriously, given this situation where i still don't have any money, i'd take any job. BUT eto ang bagong dilemma sa pagtatrabaho ko: i want to work but im seriously torn in between. i want to be with our daughter. i want to witness every achievement na magagawa niya. example, ung unang tawa niya, gusto ko ma-witness ko yun, in short, lahat ng first gusto ko andun ako. and if i start to work, i won't be able to see all those. ayoko kasi ung thought na if i start working, parang napa-kurap lang ako saglet e nagsasalita na sha diba? my mom told me na parang magwork nalang daw ako pag mga 5-6 months na sha. e hello?! batong-bato na kaya ako kasi lagi lang naman ako sa kwarto nagbabantay. (i know that one day i'd regret saying how much i'd love to work) o e basta. magulo talaga.
in relation to being magulo, ang dami pang mga bagay-bagay kung saan sobrang hati ako. another example would be: kung saan kami magsstay. i mean, i do enjoy staying in makati. don't get me wrong. except for a couple of things that really matter to me:
1) comfortability ko. mashadong maraming tao sa bahay nila na dito sa bahay namin e para kaming mga jolen sa isang kahon.
2) food. i need good food. im not after the quantity (RIGHT! i am after this one too!) pero i give more importance to the quality of food that i am eating. maarte na kung sa maarte, but im sorry. i CANNOT tolerate: sardines, tuyo, daing and the like. i don't eat isaw as well and i abhor vegetables. bottomline: pihikan ako. okay, sardines, i'm learning and trying and i'm quite getting there. make that spanish sardines with pandesal. hahaha! make the pandesal, pan de manila too. (oh, hate me now! maarte talaga ako) explanation ko for that: my mom brought me up in such a way na it's okay to splurge on food. waste all your money on food as long as ubos. wag ka magtatapon. yun lang. thus making my choices on food so choosy.
3)in laws. we're okay. don't get me wrong. pero shempre, minsan may mga hindi napagkakasunduan like: BREASTFEEDING. hoekae, so i tried and it worked..MY way. which is, through pumping. no direct contact. na para sa akin, i've done my part. pero shempre, may kontra bulate. kelangan daw straight from my boobs to the baby. e sila na lang kaya magpa-breast feed?! another issue about this is, mahal daw ang formula milk kaya dapat breastfeed! ay nako. lastly, i've ran out of milk. why? gerard got sick. then nahawa ako. so i had to take medicines. thus stopping me from pumping milk. and i started drinking alcohol. and i started smoking na ulit. so goodbye milk. bottomline: nakakarindi marinig na mas mainam talaga magpa-breastfeed nalang daw ako. thus making my brain shout: EDI KAYO ANG MAGPASUSO! good thing na medyo asa fallout part na tong isyung to.
4)mahirap makitira. kaya naman kung sa kaya pero shempre, it brings us to my number 1. mahirap kumilos kasi kahit family member na ang turing sayo, hindi ka pa rin makakagalaw gaya ng gusto mo.
i guess beyond this, i'm okay to stay in makati for a number of reasons too:
1) hindi ko na kelangan magpaalam sa mom ko na aalis ako and all that. (which only means, matanda na talaga ako! shet!)
2) closer to everyone.
3) easy access sa lahat.
4) okay, i'd say this just this one time: makati is makati. period.
haaay. the things i chose to have in my life. hindi sa mali pero iba lang talaga. all i could say to myself is this:
"despite everything, it couldn't be any better than this."
tama na ang drama. bukas naman. gising na din ang prinsesa. back to bottled milks and diapers. Ü