theatrical_muse #180 - What would you change if you could?
She’d like to think that there’s nothing she’d change. That everything that happened, everything she did was for a reason. Sounds better that way. And makes it easier to justify, if only to herself. ‘Cause at the end of the day, she really don’t care about anyone else and what they may think. She doesn’t need to justify anything to them.
Maybe if the question included things that were out of her hands. Like Wayne really being her dad. Seems like a cop out, but if she could, that’s one thing she’d definitely change. Take his blood out of her veins, and not have a reason to fuck up her whole life. Not that she’d had much of a life to begin with. But she figures it’d have been a lot different if he’d never been involved. If he hadn’t been around to drag down her mom. Not to mention beat the crap out of her every time he felt like it. And then she’d have never had to look at her mother the way that she did. Hating her for justifying it as the way she’d made her bed and how she had to lay in it.
But it is a cop out. And it’s never gonna happen. So she really just doesn’t think about it anymore. And it’s been awhile since she has. Since she’s tormented herself with imagining a life that she’ll never have. One that was just never meant to be. Like the baby she almost had with Kevin. The one that she’d never really been pregnant with at all.
There’s lots of time to think on an island. Sitting around campfires, or on the beach, or in the long stretches between food and water gathering, and running for her life, it seems sometimes that it’s all she’s got to do there. Think. And then think some more. About every thing that went wrong with her life, and every wrong thing that she did. To have regrets would drive her crazy. So she can never really be sorry. One ounce of remorse, and the whole house of cards she’d built so carefully around her would come tumbling down.
But if there was one thing, if she could just do it all over again, she knows what she’d do differently above anything else.
She’d run faster and farther away.
Kate Austen
Lost
389 Words
Maybe if the question included things that were out of her hands. Like Wayne really being her dad. Seems like a cop out, but if she could, that’s one thing she’d definitely change. Take his blood out of her veins, and not have a reason to fuck up her whole life. Not that she’d had much of a life to begin with. But she figures it’d have been a lot different if he’d never been involved. If he hadn’t been around to drag down her mom. Not to mention beat the crap out of her every time he felt like it. And then she’d have never had to look at her mother the way that she did. Hating her for justifying it as the way she’d made her bed and how she had to lay in it.
But it is a cop out. And it’s never gonna happen. So she really just doesn’t think about it anymore. And it’s been awhile since she has. Since she’s tormented herself with imagining a life that she’ll never have. One that was just never meant to be. Like the baby she almost had with Kevin. The one that she’d never really been pregnant with at all.
There’s lots of time to think on an island. Sitting around campfires, or on the beach, or in the long stretches between food and water gathering, and running for her life, it seems sometimes that it’s all she’s got to do there. Think. And then think some more. About every thing that went wrong with her life, and every wrong thing that she did. To have regrets would drive her crazy. So she can never really be sorry. One ounce of remorse, and the whole house of cards she’d built so carefully around her would come tumbling down.
But if there was one thing, if she could just do it all over again, she knows what she’d do differently above anything else.
She’d run faster and farther away.
Kate Austen
Lost
389 Words