its too fucken hot.
i know i'm not what you want. and i'm certainly not what you need. so why don't we just call it a day and get over ourselves and this fantasy?
anyhow. i had a dream that punka was the baby's father. and that my aunt died. and i was really upset about it. and the only way i knew where her tombstone was was because the z crapped out in front of it. and because the z crapped out in front of it, they couldn't get her a real tombstone. so it was like the z was her tombstone.
and punka and i ran into eachother at a gas station where i was avoiding going inside so i wouldn't see my grandfather and he had some twelve year old looking girl on his lap and we were talking about the situation like it was all chill and this girl was oblivious to everything being said. he referred to her as his ex girlfriend with this look in his face and then started talking about how she was fine with the fact that me and him were going to have a baby and if she wasn't fine with it, then oh well. it was the wierdest fucking dream ever.
have i ever told anyone that i blame punka for asshole? simply because the only reason i started talking to asshole and grew any interest in asshole whatsoever was because he looked like punka and i was still not over the geyness of what had happened between punka and i. gey and juvenile as what me and punka "had" was, i was still pretty hurt by it. so i went for the next best thing. (or so i thought) someone who looked similar, but unknown to me, was a million times the dirtbag.
if only i had the chance to do a million things over again. hell, i might be at my grandparents still, going to prom thursday, graduating saturday, and fuck it, i might even be happy. and it's horrible to think that all the blame leads to punka. who i have no hard feelings towards. i blame asshole for my unhappiness. i blame punka for asshole.
poor kid. he really doesn't deserve that connection.
whatever. punka isn't the father, it isn't punka's fault that i made horrible decisions, and it certainly isn't punka's fault that i'm not happy.
that all lays on me. now could someone let me borrow some courage to accept that fact fully and still be able to function?
anyhow. i had a dream that punka was the baby's father. and that my aunt died. and i was really upset about it. and the only way i knew where her tombstone was was because the z crapped out in front of it. and because the z crapped out in front of it, they couldn't get her a real tombstone. so it was like the z was her tombstone.
and punka and i ran into eachother at a gas station where i was avoiding going inside so i wouldn't see my grandfather and he had some twelve year old looking girl on his lap and we were talking about the situation like it was all chill and this girl was oblivious to everything being said. he referred to her as his ex girlfriend with this look in his face and then started talking about how she was fine with the fact that me and him were going to have a baby and if she wasn't fine with it, then oh well. it was the wierdest fucking dream ever.
have i ever told anyone that i blame punka for asshole? simply because the only reason i started talking to asshole and grew any interest in asshole whatsoever was because he looked like punka and i was still not over the geyness of what had happened between punka and i. gey and juvenile as what me and punka "had" was, i was still pretty hurt by it. so i went for the next best thing. (or so i thought) someone who looked similar, but unknown to me, was a million times the dirtbag.
if only i had the chance to do a million things over again. hell, i might be at my grandparents still, going to prom thursday, graduating saturday, and fuck it, i might even be happy. and it's horrible to think that all the blame leads to punka. who i have no hard feelings towards. i blame asshole for my unhappiness. i blame punka for asshole.
poor kid. he really doesn't deserve that connection.
whatever. punka isn't the father, it isn't punka's fault that i made horrible decisions, and it certainly isn't punka's fault that i'm not happy.
that all lays on me. now could someone let me borrow some courage to accept that fact fully and still be able to function?