130 - Hmmm...
Is there any way to make cocoa at home? I have a craving, a terrible one that's gnawing at me. That, and I want to curl up in bed, nice and warm under the covers.
Private to Self//Unhackable
I hate feeling clingy of needy. I hate it because it's so ridiculously weak, so stupid of not only a Turk, but of a person. Schuldig always remarked on how needy I was, and I still don't think I am (or at least, I hope I'm not), but that did nothing but make me hate it even more.
But, dammit it to hell if I don't feel the need to snuggle down between them, kiss them both goodnight, and fall asleep while holding onto them like the world is drowning. And all for no apparent reason. There was no trigger, no reasoning behind it, no nothing but just that overwhelming desire.
Funny thing is, though, that I'll still try to keep them at an arm's length, try to keep some hesitant and shaky walls up. In some ways, I'm worried that I'm the tagalong, the third wheel. They've never once made me feel like that, but I'm worried... I'm worried I make them feel like I am, like an annoying little big sister who won't go away and is too ignorant to notice when they want her to go. And even if I'm not that, I'm worried of just the simple thing that can happen in any relationship: I'm afraid of getting hurt.
And Schuldig... Schuldig knows how to hurt. Shu wouldn't, I think; we work so well together that I can't see it, but Schuldig...what he did to me before....
But, that was then and this is now, and now's so much different from then. So, I have to ignore all that and just live in this moment and stop worrying about all the would have, could have, should haves.
I'll never tell them how glad I am to have them in my life, but I think they know anyway. I hope they do. I love them, both of them, everything from one's ugly shoes and morning runs to the other's need to let half the damn city see my underwear. I love them.
Wesker better find that damn cure. I won't lose either one of them. I won't. I can't. My loyalty to them is as fierce as it is to Rufus himself.
I swear to Shiva, I will do whatever it takes.
At least this is giving me a reason to focus on something other than the drama at work.
Private to Self//Unhackable
I hate feeling clingy of needy. I hate it because it's so ridiculously weak, so stupid of not only a Turk, but of a person. Schuldig always remarked on how needy I was, and I still don't think I am (or at least, I hope I'm not), but that did nothing but make me hate it even more.
But, dammit it to hell if I don't feel the need to snuggle down between them, kiss them both goodnight, and fall asleep while holding onto them like the world is drowning. And all for no apparent reason. There was no trigger, no reasoning behind it, no nothing but just that overwhelming desire.
Funny thing is, though, that I'll still try to keep them at an arm's length, try to keep some hesitant and shaky walls up. In some ways, I'm worried that I'm the tagalong, the third wheel. They've never once made me feel like that, but I'm worried... I'm worried I make them feel like I am, like an annoying little big sister who won't go away and is too ignorant to notice when they want her to go. And even if I'm not that, I'm worried of just the simple thing that can happen in any relationship: I'm afraid of getting hurt.
And Schuldig... Schuldig knows how to hurt. Shu wouldn't, I think; we work so well together that I can't see it, but Schuldig...what he did to me before....
But, that was then and this is now, and now's so much different from then. So, I have to ignore all that and just live in this moment and stop worrying about all the would have, could have, should haves.
I'll never tell them how glad I am to have them in my life, but I think they know anyway. I hope they do. I love them, both of them, everything from one's ugly shoes and morning runs to the other's need to let half the damn city see my underwear. I love them.
Wesker better find that damn cure. I won't lose either one of them. I won't. I can't. My loyalty to them is as fierce as it is to Rufus himself.
I swear to Shiva, I will do whatever it takes.
At least this is giving me a reason to focus on something other than the drama at work.