i wish i was strong enough to catch my breath
things just keep piling up, and i hate it. i seem to hate so much these days, but i really hate all of this because it seems like i always have a problem. 'aw poor dana.' i hate that. i hate it so much when i never even really tell any of my problems to anyone except this journal and some people.
this shall be a dousy.
yesterday on the way home from school mandy and i saw an accident. we were saying how we wouldn't know what to do if that happened to us and how we probably should find that out incase it ever does. well, we were going down this highway through this tiny intersection. i don't know how to describe it, but it's like the worst one in our town. a huge SUV slammed into us while we were both moving. it hit the side of the car. our air bags deploited. i felt like i was thrown through the windows. my body was on fire. i couldn't feel myself. i didn't know where i was. i really thought that i had died. until i started sobbing and sobbing, and then i heard my sister crying, and i knew i was still alive. but the pain was so bad, i wished that i wasn't. we sat in the car for about 15 minutes just crying and screaming for my mom. i wouldn't open my eyes because i was so scared. i couldn't move. the smell of the airbags was making me so sick. i felt like it was suffocating me, but i honestly wasn't even thinking about that. someone was talking to my sister, asking her if she was okay, telling her that the ambulance was coming, but all i remember is being pulled out of the car and into the ambulance. nothing else. i don't remember being asked anything. maybe i wasn't. but i don't remember. as soon as the ambulance came it was about 20 or so minutes later. my sister must have called my mom and screamed and told her to come. i needed to be held, i needed someone to tell me i was going to be okay, because i really really couldn't feel my prescence. i don't know how to describe it. my mom showed up and told us she'd be following us to the hospital. my sister's boyfriend was there also, and i was so jealous. but when i got to the hospital they took xrays of my chest. my face felt like it was on fire, the scariest feeling. my stomach was having piercing pains. so they ran a bunch of tests. i have chest contrusions. my sister had a really swollen nose and lips. && everyone was all, "OMG AMANDA!" and i know i shouldn't have been, but i was so jealous. i was jealous that it was all about her when i felt like i was going to die too. i was jealous that all my mom and her keep saying is that she's so tiny so she can get hurt more easily. she's tiny. she's tiny. that's all that matters. damnit. ugh. and she cut the other night and she hasn't for so long. but she did. and it pisses me off when she does because it's like she tries to show it off, even though i know she just wants attention *in a good way* because i take it all away from her or something. but they saw it, and she like giggled. and it got me so mad because i just wanted to scream at her. and say that this doesn't make her cool. that i burn. that i feel the pain too, but i don't chose to display it, or laugh at it.
well my dad somehow hightailed his way over the hospital and was there within ten minutes. omg it was so wonderful to see him again, even though i was still in such shock i couldn't even talk. but he walked with my down to the xrays, and held my hand. and just made me feel like i should be happy i was alive, because honestly, i think he could tell that i wished i wasn't. we were at the hospital for about 3 hours. when we got home it was about 7 or so, i can't even remember it. but i do remember going in the car, having to sit in the front again, and having to close my eyes and keep myself from crying because i was just so terrified.
dad slept over. it was so nice of him. so nice of my mom to let him. but my sister hated it. it caused chaos in the house. and once again, i felt bad for wanting him there. yet i was so upset knowing he didn't belong here and that he really doesn't sleep here, live here, anymore. that he wasn't going to be here the next night. and i couldn't take any more tears, it hurt too much to just exist, so i took special medicine that knocked me out.
and everyone called today for my sister. to see how she was doing. but not me. sure they asked, but only felt obligated to. my neighbor who is 26 called her and didn't ask a single question about me. and this makes me want to hurt myself over and over and say the accident did it. and i want to so badly.
and today, me being stubborn, i went to school, and i hurt so much more than i did yesterday. i feel like i dislocated my neck, i can't turn it. it kills to breathe, my stomach feels like someone is stabbing it with a bread knife, my head feels like someone is squeezing it way too tight. i can't wear a bra because it hurts too much. and i just want to cry.
and on the way home, i did. i cried. and i don't know where it came from, but i just started yelling at my sister. yelling at her for making me always feel like shit. yelling at her for screaming at me in front of people during school. yelling at her for taking everything out on me with dad. well, i didn't yell, i just cried really. and while we were walking inside she goes, "you don't have to be such a cry baby. you have no reason to cry about this stupid stuff." and that got me even more enraged because it was so much more than that. it was just everything. from how she can be mad at me for ever giving her an attitude, but she can do it whenever she pleases. how i have to be there for her, but she is never there for me. and i think things are just building up, how i see that her boyfriend is replacing my dad. and how pissed and upset i am that she has someone in the blink of an eye and i don't. how she has somewhere to run away to when things are terrible, yet i don't. i don't have anywhere or anyone. and she makes sure that i realize that.
&& therapy was the day of the accident. and she isn't in next week. so i will have gone 3 weeks without her, and 5 weeks coming up without nutrition. and so much happened this week. with my nutritionist leaving me *points to last entry*, the burning *points to entry before that*, i have so damn much to get out of me, and now, i know none of it will. && i wish that i had a swollen lip, or a swollen nose because then maybe i'd allow myself to feel hurt. && then maybe someone else would see that i'm hurt.
it hurts to talk, so i'm not really up for it, yet i wish i could call everyone in the world and tell them how much i love them. i don't know why, i just have this huge urge to make everyone feel special right now.
&& reading all of this, it is making me cry because i just can't even believed all of this happened. and i can't believe that i feel like nothing is going my way, and i just want to cry and collapse, and i just wish that i didn't have my seatbelt on so i would have went through the windshield. because then i could blame it on someone else, instead of ever trying to do something again to myself. then no one would have ever known that all along i was hoping to die.
this shall be a dousy.
yesterday on the way home from school mandy and i saw an accident. we were saying how we wouldn't know what to do if that happened to us and how we probably should find that out incase it ever does. well, we were going down this highway through this tiny intersection. i don't know how to describe it, but it's like the worst one in our town. a huge SUV slammed into us while we were both moving. it hit the side of the car. our air bags deploited. i felt like i was thrown through the windows. my body was on fire. i couldn't feel myself. i didn't know where i was. i really thought that i had died. until i started sobbing and sobbing, and then i heard my sister crying, and i knew i was still alive. but the pain was so bad, i wished that i wasn't. we sat in the car for about 15 minutes just crying and screaming for my mom. i wouldn't open my eyes because i was so scared. i couldn't move. the smell of the airbags was making me so sick. i felt like it was suffocating me, but i honestly wasn't even thinking about that. someone was talking to my sister, asking her if she was okay, telling her that the ambulance was coming, but all i remember is being pulled out of the car and into the ambulance. nothing else. i don't remember being asked anything. maybe i wasn't. but i don't remember. as soon as the ambulance came it was about 20 or so minutes later. my sister must have called my mom and screamed and told her to come. i needed to be held, i needed someone to tell me i was going to be okay, because i really really couldn't feel my prescence. i don't know how to describe it. my mom showed up and told us she'd be following us to the hospital. my sister's boyfriend was there also, and i was so jealous. but when i got to the hospital they took xrays of my chest. my face felt like it was on fire, the scariest feeling. my stomach was having piercing pains. so they ran a bunch of tests. i have chest contrusions. my sister had a really swollen nose and lips. && everyone was all, "OMG AMANDA!" and i know i shouldn't have been, but i was so jealous. i was jealous that it was all about her when i felt like i was going to die too. i was jealous that all my mom and her keep saying is that she's so tiny so she can get hurt more easily. she's tiny. she's tiny. that's all that matters. damnit. ugh. and she cut the other night and she hasn't for so long. but she did. and it pisses me off when she does because it's like she tries to show it off, even though i know she just wants attention *in a good way* because i take it all away from her or something. but they saw it, and she like giggled. and it got me so mad because i just wanted to scream at her. and say that this doesn't make her cool. that i burn. that i feel the pain too, but i don't chose to display it, or laugh at it.
well my dad somehow hightailed his way over the hospital and was there within ten minutes. omg it was so wonderful to see him again, even though i was still in such shock i couldn't even talk. but he walked with my down to the xrays, and held my hand. and just made me feel like i should be happy i was alive, because honestly, i think he could tell that i wished i wasn't. we were at the hospital for about 3 hours. when we got home it was about 7 or so, i can't even remember it. but i do remember going in the car, having to sit in the front again, and having to close my eyes and keep myself from crying because i was just so terrified.
dad slept over. it was so nice of him. so nice of my mom to let him. but my sister hated it. it caused chaos in the house. and once again, i felt bad for wanting him there. yet i was so upset knowing he didn't belong here and that he really doesn't sleep here, live here, anymore. that he wasn't going to be here the next night. and i couldn't take any more tears, it hurt too much to just exist, so i took special medicine that knocked me out.
and everyone called today for my sister. to see how she was doing. but not me. sure they asked, but only felt obligated to. my neighbor who is 26 called her and didn't ask a single question about me. and this makes me want to hurt myself over and over and say the accident did it. and i want to so badly.
and today, me being stubborn, i went to school, and i hurt so much more than i did yesterday. i feel like i dislocated my neck, i can't turn it. it kills to breathe, my stomach feels like someone is stabbing it with a bread knife, my head feels like someone is squeezing it way too tight. i can't wear a bra because it hurts too much. and i just want to cry.
and on the way home, i did. i cried. and i don't know where it came from, but i just started yelling at my sister. yelling at her for making me always feel like shit. yelling at her for screaming at me in front of people during school. yelling at her for taking everything out on me with dad. well, i didn't yell, i just cried really. and while we were walking inside she goes, "you don't have to be such a cry baby. you have no reason to cry about this stupid stuff." and that got me even more enraged because it was so much more than that. it was just everything. from how she can be mad at me for ever giving her an attitude, but she can do it whenever she pleases. how i have to be there for her, but she is never there for me. and i think things are just building up, how i see that her boyfriend is replacing my dad. and how pissed and upset i am that she has someone in the blink of an eye and i don't. how she has somewhere to run away to when things are terrible, yet i don't. i don't have anywhere or anyone. and she makes sure that i realize that.
&& therapy was the day of the accident. and she isn't in next week. so i will have gone 3 weeks without her, and 5 weeks coming up without nutrition. and so much happened this week. with my nutritionist leaving me *points to last entry*, the burning *points to entry before that*, i have so damn much to get out of me, and now, i know none of it will. && i wish that i had a swollen lip, or a swollen nose because then maybe i'd allow myself to feel hurt. && then maybe someone else would see that i'm hurt.
it hurts to talk, so i'm not really up for it, yet i wish i could call everyone in the world and tell them how much i love them. i don't know why, i just have this huge urge to make everyone feel special right now.
&& reading all of this, it is making me cry because i just can't even believed all of this happened. and i can't believe that i feel like nothing is going my way, and i just want to cry and collapse, and i just wish that i didn't have my seatbelt on so i would have went through the windshield. because then i could blame it on someone else, instead of ever trying to do something again to myself. then no one would have ever known that all along i was hoping to die.