let go
this is basically how my life feels right now. i am okay. things could be worse, but i am just at a sucking point. not much in 2008 has really actually been good. i dont want to be overly dramatic but so far my nana has been in the hospital, to the point where we werent sure if she would make it to her 88th birthday, she was dnr(my grandmother did make it to her 88th birthday, which makes me relieved. i dont want to be selfish, but im just not ready to give her up.) my mom lost her job then hurt her foot really bad 2 days later. and i got my first speeding ticket and got into my first accident within 10 days of eachother. and now the lady i got into the accident with wants to screw me over and is claiming neck injuries, even though shes a big fucking lying cunt. so i had to do it through insurance which means my insurance will go up. and that sucks. ya know what, oh well. there is nothing i can do about it.
enough about that. i had a really long talk the other night and actually opened up a little to the one person that has waited so long to hear me say anything. it was really good for both of us, and much needed. he has shown me so much over the past 4 years and i greatly appreciate him. he means a lot to me but its time to finally let it go, and i truly hope he finds someone completely different from me.
i am pretty sure of what i want now, i just need to put myself out there and somehow obtain it; even if it means making a complete fool out of myself, or just letting go, not caring, and ending up losing what it is that i want. i think that will be okay. i guess i'll never know til i find out. i dont want to sit her and quote some lyrics from a song that i like but.. "there's beauty in the breakdown." it really is true. where would we be if we just never let go and let ourselves get to that "breakdown" point, or if we just stayed there. life would be so much different. what do you do when you think you have found your soulmate to only realize that he is not. honestly, what do you do? i know im young and everything and i think people are crazy for getting married at my age. but i guess it really does happen, not saying i would get married though. it can take so much time and effort to be able to be with someone for a year; i am going off on a tangent but what im trying to say is that you have to pick yourself back up. yes people are there for you, but you can only really help yourself. so after realizing you havent found "the one" yet, yes i thought he was the one, you have to move on. after trying for 4 years, and ending up back in the same place you have probably been for the past year or two, you have to try something different. its so hard, but i have so much to look forward to.
i want to find someone that is right for me. its not going to be easy, but if i change some of my ways, and either look, or not look.. im not really sure on that one.. but hes there. its been about a year now. its time. i have to work for him now, not the other way around. i really honestly dont know how to go about doing this. i guess i dont mind making a fool out of myself a little more, its already been done. but besides texting someone, how can you make them see. i mean really see. so cheesy, but i want it to be like a big sign with the words " will you go to prom with me" on it. well obviously not exactly those words, but you get what i mean..
i think thats it.
ps: fred, do what you want with her. who is anyone to tell you not to. its your choice. we all get our hearts broken. be happy, if she's your happiness, then go for it.