(Can't) Forget Regret

[im_just_someguy]

Mark moved quietly around the kitchen, trying not to draw notice to himself. If he could get food and get back to his room without seeing anyone, he would be a happy person.

He opened the fridge and grabbed the orange juice, planning on just sneaking the entire thing back to his room and drowning his sorrows in Vitamin C.

Comments

[roselessrain]

But he couldn't be lucky enough to get away with that, of course. Because April came in from her first day out job hunting. She looked rather discouraged when she walked in, but the moment she saw Mark her face lit up, and she practically bounded over to give him a quick kiss.

"Hey, Emcee."

[im_just_someguy]

"Um, hey April." He put the orange juice back and closed the fridge. "How'd the search go? Well?"

[roselessrain]

April wrinkled her nose. "Not really. None of the places I went seem to be hiring." She shrugged and smiled a little at him. "But that's okay. There's always tomorrow, right?"

[im_just_someguy]

April's boundless enthusiasm was particularly heartbreaking today. "Yeah, and hey -- I could ask around for you, if you wanted me to." He attempted a smiled, but didn't quite make it.

[roselessrain]

"Yeah, I guess, if you have some time." Her smile dimmed a little and her expression grew worried. "Hey, you okay?"

[im_just_someguy]

Mark went over and sat on the couch. He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Listen, April. I... have something I need to talk to you about."

[roselessrain]

April followed him, sitting down next to him and biting her thumbnail - an old nervous habit of hers. Something about this was making her extremely nervous. She didn't like the look on his face. She didn't like the emotion in his voice. She didn't like that she got the feeling she was about to have a really fucking bad day.

"Yeah, okay." she said, giving a little smile to encourage him.

[im_just_someguy]

"I really... really like you, April. I told you that. And it's still true. I just..." He bit his lip, not able to look at her, "I did something I shouldn't have done. And I want to apologize for it."

[roselessrain]

"So... apologize." she said softly. Not rudely, but just like someone who... doesn't dance around things very often would say. Matter-of-fact. She didn't know why he wouldn't just say he was sorry...

But what the hell could he have done?

[im_just_someguy]

"I'm sorry, April. Roger and I got into an argument last night and... I ended up kissing him. He's been my best friend since highschool and I've sort of -- had this crush on him for that time, too. And last night I kissed him."

[roselessrain]

Oh. He could've done that. April felt a twist in her chest. But... well, that didn't necessarily mean anything. He kissed him. Roger could've pushed him away. Or...

He could've not.

"Oh." She said, smiling hesitantly. "Well... I mean, it's just a kiss, right?"

[im_just_someguy]

He closed his eyes and shook his head. "More than just a kiss..." God, why couldn't he just come out and say it? Because he was Mark, that's why.

[roselessrain]

April felt almost like she couldn't breathe. This could not be happening to her, not now, not when she was so happy for the first time in over a year...

"How... how much more?"

[im_just_someguy]

"We -- wefucked." Mark ran his fingers through his hair. He knew it, he knew he'd feel awful and he'd hate himself forever and yet he'd gone through with it anyway. Mark Cohen was the biggest idiot in the world.

[roselessrain]

"Oh."

The twist in her chest exploded into the most piercing pain she'd felt since... since she lost May. Nononono, she'd been so close, he'd almost been hers, but now... April wanted to cry, wanted to scream, wanted to shoot up more than anything she could imagine... but she just bit the tip of her tongue for a moment to distract herself from all of that (barely) and forced a smile. "Well... congratulations. I hope y'all'll be happy."

[im_just_someguy]

"What?" He finally looked at her. "No -- nonono, that's not -- that isn't it, not at all. I don't -- " Deep breaths, Mark. Speak coherently. "We're not together. Roger's still just my friend." He leaned closer, looking her in the eye, "I made a mistake, April. A really bad mistake, but that's what it was. I shouldn't have kissed him. That shouldn't have happened. It's not going to happen again."