theatrical_muse: Fear.
Did you know how much I looked up to you? How much I admired you? It wasn't because you were the patriotic hero everyone knew and loved, but because you were my father. Did you know that? Did you care
I don't know when it all changed. Did I make it that difficult for you to be my father? I always tried to fit the mold you wanted me to be. I tried to be the heir you wanted, and when I was a kid it was easier, but something changed, didn't it. Boarding school didn't make it better. I excelled, yes, but that didn't change who I was, and that never seemed to sit right. I was always saying something wrong, or not acting properly, or not focusing properly, and it was easier for everyone else to raise me. Was that it?
I have a son now. I have a son that is now twenty-years old, and some days I thank the fact that I wasn't there to watch him grow because the thought of making the same mistakes terrifies me. How horrible is that? Would I have tried to make him fit into the same Stark mold? Would I really have done the same mistakes? I'm not saying I'm a good father now, because I don't think I am. I do my best, and I try to be there for him, but fuck. I just. Do you realize how afraid I am that one day my relationship with him will turn out like ours was? I'm always going to have that fear in my head. How can I get rid of it?
You never got to see me turn twenty. Would we have fixed things then?
You left me that video, and now I know you're not... I know you cared more than I ever thought you did. And I wish I didn't care that you never took the time to tell me, because your actions sure as hell never showed it, but fuck, dad. Just.
I don't know. I just don't know.
I'm never going to correct anyone and change their idea of you. Because I can't stop people from thinking you were a great patriot, and a great husband. Because no matter how shitty our relationship was, you're still my father, and I grew up respecting you and fearing you and that's not going away even if I'm so furious at you on some days that I wish I could just
You were the man my mother loved. I tell Dylan all about you. Or, well, the good parts. In so many ways, I don't think I ever got to know you. Really know you as my father. And no video is ever going to fix that, and god I hate you for it on some days. How did I make it so hard?
But, it doesn't matter does it. You're always going to be the hero. You
Before he can continue, Tony stops himself by highlighting the text and hitting the Delete button on his computer. He stares at the monitor in a type of silence that he can almost swear he hears the faint hum of the arc reactor under the layers of clothes he's wearing, but it doesn't take long before his empty glass of scotch finds itself crashing against the wall.
Raking his fingers through his hair, he stands from his chair and storms over to his newest Ferrari so he can drive out at a speed that would make it seem as if he's trying to imitate the speed of the suit.
But, he just needs to leave. He needs to go before he keeps thinking, and while he knows it might not work, he needs to try. He needs to leave behind fears and thoughts that some days are simply impossible to deal with.
[italics = mun information only, not for muse knowledge at all.]
I don't know when it all changed. Did I make it that difficult for you to be my father? I always tried to fit the mold you wanted me to be. I tried to be the heir you wanted, and when I was a kid it was easier, but something changed, didn't it. Boarding school didn't make it better. I excelled, yes, but that didn't change who I was, and that never seemed to sit right. I was always saying something wrong, or not acting properly, or not focusing properly, and it was easier for everyone else to raise me. Was that it?
I have a son now. I have a son that is now twenty-years old, and some days I thank the fact that I wasn't there to watch him grow because the thought of making the same mistakes terrifies me. How horrible is that? Would I have tried to make him fit into the same Stark mold? Would I really have done the same mistakes? I'm not saying I'm a good father now, because I don't think I am. I do my best, and I try to be there for him, but fuck. I just. Do you realize how afraid I am that one day my relationship with him will turn out like ours was? I'm always going to have that fear in my head. How can I get rid of it?
You never got to see me turn twenty. Would we have fixed things then?
You left me that video, and now I know you're not... I know you cared more than I ever thought you did. And I wish I didn't care that you never took the time to tell me, because your actions sure as hell never showed it, but fuck, dad. Just.
I don't know. I just don't know.
I'm never going to correct anyone and change their idea of you. Because I can't stop people from thinking you were a great patriot, and a great husband. Because no matter how shitty our relationship was, you're still my father, and I grew up respecting you and fearing you and that's not going away even if I'm so furious at you on some days that I wish I could just
You were the man my mother loved. I tell Dylan all about you. Or, well, the good parts. In so many ways, I don't think I ever got to know you. Really know you as my father. And no video is ever going to fix that, and god I hate you for it on some days. How did I make it so hard?
But, it doesn't matter does it. You're always going to be the hero. You
Before he can continue, Tony stops himself by highlighting the text and hitting the Delete button on his computer. He stares at the monitor in a type of silence that he can almost swear he hears the faint hum of the arc reactor under the layers of clothes he's wearing, but it doesn't take long before his empty glass of scotch finds itself crashing against the wall.
Raking his fingers through his hair, he stands from his chair and storms over to his newest Ferrari so he can drive out at a speed that would make it seem as if he's trying to imitate the speed of the suit.
But, he just needs to leave. He needs to go before he keeps thinking, and while he knows it might not work, he needs to try. He needs to leave behind fears and thoughts that some days are simply impossible to deal with.
[italics = mun information only, not for muse knowledge at all.]