(no subject)
So I did it again.
For the 38495th time in 3 years I fell for my best friend, and managed to fuck it up, too.
I couldn't help it this time, he seemed like he wanted it too. With those cute little text messages and things that made me smile, cmon. I thought it was different this time, I thought we grew up and were different, but I guess I was wrong again. Stupid me, I figured I had something good coming my way for once. With little hints like "oh what would your mom do if we dated! I dont even know!" and "I'd be so happy if we dated, you'd make me so happy." Okay it doesn't take a rocket scientist, you'd be happy, and I'd definitely be happy, so what makes you think we wouldn't be happy again? WHAT WAS I SUPPOSE TO THINK BY THAT?
Obviously it wasn't supposed to make me think that he was interested in me, or maybe he was just scared, I don't know. Scared of losing me if we broke up? Well guess what, you'd never know if it woulda worked unless we TRIED it. Give me the satisfaction of knowing it wouldn't work, don't assume it for me, darling. Maybe it woulda gave me closure, helped me to get over you one day.
not gonna happen.
Maybe I just got my hopes up again, way too much. But at least I'm not afraid. I'm not a coward that wouldn't try something in fear that it would end one day. He stopped me from being happy because maybe one day it'd end up breaking my heart. So he chose to now, and spared me the happiness in between.He said I'd find out the real him and hate him, causing us to end. Reality check sweetheart, you may not realize but I know you better than anyone else, and I've still stuck around. People don't always give him the best descriptions, but it never phased me, I loved that kid too much. There's not much more I could know and it wouldn't make any difference to me.
WHY DO I ALWAYS LET THIS HAPPEN. Why do I screw things up every single time I get close to being happy with him. For nearly 3 years I've wanted this more than anything. Clearly I wasn't gonna take it well when I was told it couldn't be because he didn't want to lose me one day. I LOVE YOU. You wouldn't lose me even if you wanted to. Nothing could change the fact that you're my best friend and I'll always need and love you. Not even a relationship that didn't work out. We could ALWAYS fall back to our friendship, it's not going anywhere. I don't get how the only time we argued badly, it always ended up being over our status. I thought there was an obvious solution to that, but I guess not.
I need to come to terms with the fact that I'll never be good enough to get this kid. I'll never be clever enough to break past this wall keeping us from trying to be more than friends. Insecurity's a bitch my friends. I just don't know how to make him see I would've gave anything for him, and still would. Perhaps fear isn't the only thing holding him back. It's me.
I don't know how to get past him. He's been one of the ONLY reasons I've held myself back from starting relationships with other people, or even trying to have one at all. I see him in it all the time. I don't know how to care about anyone else besides him. I guess I need to learn. It just seems no one will ever be as good as him. No one makes me smile like he does, or make me feel needed, like I matter. No one has ever treated me the way he has, and once you've had a taste of something that good, nothing seems as nice. My standards are too high and its solely based on him. How horrible is that? I just don't know how to function without him.
Love is just great, kids. Really. I mean I LOVE sitting on my bathroom floor crying. I love how every song somehow relates to him. I love how I can't hate him no matter how hard I try.
This is gonna be a long road to recovery. fuck.
Sorry, I needed to get that out. Props to you if you made it to the bottom without falling asleep.
xo. leave me some feedback.