on food and hating myself
most days i am not capable of eating until at least noon, my body doesnt want/wont deal with it. beyond that, most days i dont eat until even later because i forget and or im just busy and dont get a chance. i usually get hungry for real around 3 or so most days if i havent eaten by then, but there are days, like today, where i ignore it as long as i can, it feels like something i can control, the one thing i can control. and it also feels like a good punishment? for what? i'm not even sure. but its uncomfortable and i feel like i deserve it. it fucks with me though and i know its not healthy. like the headaches, and like right now im freezing and feel nauseus, i know its from not eating. i know i need to eat but i hate myself so much i just dont want to sometimes. i dont even know how or why that makes sense, but there it is. something ive never said out loud before. i hate myself so much that sometimes i don't even want to give myself the most basic things i need for survival.