Please don't let me go, I desperately need you.
One of my bigger issues has always been that I am not a selfish person, even when I need to be. I often get taken for granted and taken advantage of because I'm too nice, don't know how to say no, and don't know how to speak up for myself. I work on it, I get better as I get older, but it's still there... it's just me, it's my nature. I think it's okay though. It's not all bad. It keeps me from killing myself, for one.
That's a big, bold, statement, but it's true. The past several months the depression has been so dark and heavy I've spent a lot of time consumed with the thoughts of how much I'd like to just end it all, how much I'd like to not be me and deal with being me for the rest of my life. I've thought lots about how much it would solve everyeone else's problems....... until I realize how much it really wouldn't. It would cause a lot of mess and problems, and it would hurt mostly Jimmy (but of course others that I love deeply as well) and I really can't do that to them.
If it were just me, it wouldn't even be a decision. This probably sounds a lot more scary than I intend it to be... I actually am not suicidal at the moment. I'm not happy, I'm still extremely depressed, I feel overwhelmed by normal every day life, and I don't ever feel good enough for anyone around me or even myself. I don't eat much, or sleep much, and I cry way more than I thought I could. Sometimes when it starts, it doesn't shut off for hours. Sometimes I can't cry at all.
It's actually getting better though, this is better than it has been. It started right around my birthday (not because of my birthday, just noticed the timing) and it was really bad through December and January. The past few weeks have definitely been an improvement, but improvement is feeling empty and numb over depressed. It's definitely better, but it's not good.
I want more. I want to be more.
If I could be doing anything at all right now in my life, regardless of circumstance or money or whatever else, what would I be doing? If I had my choice, and my say, what would my life be right now to make me happy and feel worthwhile?
I'd be raising a kid. I really can't think of another answer to that. Maybe some poeple think it's simple or naive but that has always been what I've wanted, the only thing I've wanted. I can't have that, not right now, not by any means of my own anyway. So what do I do? Spend all my time building towards what I want, I suppose. That's what people do, right?
That seems entirely overwhelming and like an impossibility. Where do I even start? The first step is getting me in order, getting my life in order. The second step is some financial stability. The third step would be making it happen.
But each of those steps has so many steps inside of it... where do I start? How do I get myself and my life in order? What does that even mean? It brings me back full circle to asking: what will make me happy and feel worthwhile right now?
I feel like last summer and fall I had it all together. I felt like I did. I was happy, strong, confident, living, loving, breathing. Then it all fell apart and I feel weaker than I have felt in a long time. I want to feel like I have it all together again, I want to feel okay again. I don't feel like that was real though, and I think that's why it crashed so hard..... I need it for real, I need it so bad.
I matter, my needs matter, my happiness matters. If only I could believe that, it would make this all so much easier.
That's a big, bold, statement, but it's true. The past several months the depression has been so dark and heavy I've spent a lot of time consumed with the thoughts of how much I'd like to just end it all, how much I'd like to not be me and deal with being me for the rest of my life. I've thought lots about how much it would solve everyeone else's problems....... until I realize how much it really wouldn't. It would cause a lot of mess and problems, and it would hurt mostly Jimmy (but of course others that I love deeply as well) and I really can't do that to them.
If it were just me, it wouldn't even be a decision. This probably sounds a lot more scary than I intend it to be... I actually am not suicidal at the moment. I'm not happy, I'm still extremely depressed, I feel overwhelmed by normal every day life, and I don't ever feel good enough for anyone around me or even myself. I don't eat much, or sleep much, and I cry way more than I thought I could. Sometimes when it starts, it doesn't shut off for hours. Sometimes I can't cry at all.
It's actually getting better though, this is better than it has been. It started right around my birthday (not because of my birthday, just noticed the timing) and it was really bad through December and January. The past few weeks have definitely been an improvement, but improvement is feeling empty and numb over depressed. It's definitely better, but it's not good.
I want more. I want to be more.
If I could be doing anything at all right now in my life, regardless of circumstance or money or whatever else, what would I be doing? If I had my choice, and my say, what would my life be right now to make me happy and feel worthwhile?
I'd be raising a kid. I really can't think of another answer to that. Maybe some poeple think it's simple or naive but that has always been what I've wanted, the only thing I've wanted. I can't have that, not right now, not by any means of my own anyway. So what do I do? Spend all my time building towards what I want, I suppose. That's what people do, right?
That seems entirely overwhelming and like an impossibility. Where do I even start? The first step is getting me in order, getting my life in order. The second step is some financial stability. The third step would be making it happen.
But each of those steps has so many steps inside of it... where do I start? How do I get myself and my life in order? What does that even mean? It brings me back full circle to asking: what will make me happy and feel worthwhile right now?
I feel like last summer and fall I had it all together. I felt like I did. I was happy, strong, confident, living, loving, breathing. Then it all fell apart and I feel weaker than I have felt in a long time. I want to feel like I have it all together again, I want to feel okay again. I don't feel like that was real though, and I think that's why it crashed so hard..... I need it for real, I need it so bad.
I matter, my needs matter, my happiness matters. If only I could believe that, it would make this all so much easier.