(no subject)
Oh the moodiness. Holy craps. I gotta get the hang of these new meds, I guess. Or, you know, I might be bummed about
I dumped my lover/friend/Master. I made this choice. I have not been shown sound reason to regret it as of yet, but I am terrified and overwhelmed by what I have done.
[And until Saturday I won't have any new houses to be distracted by. Oh man, the next few days are gonna be big test for me.]
Now... I know I'm supposed to be all ME focused here... and I know that I cannot control or take responsibility for the actions/feelings of another humanbeing... but...
I tangentially [ridiculously] hoped that, by forcing a clean breakup, Nick might gain the same benefit I hope to gain for myself: I hope that he will take the chance to fully appreciate his NY life, and live it without so much guilt and regret.
At the moment, it seems I've done nothing but throw Nick another brick for his "I am horrible and no one treats me well" fortress. I must remind myself that he never lacked such "bricks" when I WAS trying to date him, so there is no need to blame myself now... I broke up with him because I DON'T think he is horrible and because I think his life in NYC IS going well! If I thought he'd've been better off WITH me, I would have dragged his ass back here, or forced myself into his life somehow. And the long distance was too painful for me - I began to feel guilty about my life here, feel like my life was two-faced, or feel like my life wasn't as good as Nick's life. And of course, the constant longing. Bah.
Note to poly or poly-curious folk: poly is NEVER supposed to feel like what I just described. If you and your significant others are not willing/able to work together into one cohesive lifestyle where your 3 primary psychosocial needs are met (autonomy, competence, belonging), get the hell out for the benefit of everyone involved. What else can you do? If your careers/life-plans cannot be actualized in the same time and space, and you are not willing to give up your career/plans, it ain't gonna work! I guess this logic can be applied to any relationship...
I'm disgusted by the whole situation. Not about the actions of any particular person in the situation, but the simple undeniable fact of its existence.
I typed a bunch more here, but the above two sentences sum things up so well, I feel no need to rant further.
*note to self: I must spend this much time posting about HAPPY thoughts someday.
I dumped my lover/friend/Master. I made this choice. I have not been shown sound reason to regret it as of yet, but I am terrified and overwhelmed by what I have done.
[And until Saturday I won't have any new houses to be distracted by. Oh man, the next few days are gonna be big test for me.]
Now... I know I'm supposed to be all ME focused here... and I know that I cannot control or take responsibility for the actions/feelings of another humanbeing... but...
I tangentially [ridiculously] hoped that, by forcing a clean breakup, Nick might gain the same benefit I hope to gain for myself: I hope that he will take the chance to fully appreciate his NY life, and live it without so much guilt and regret.
At the moment, it seems I've done nothing but throw Nick another brick for his "I am horrible and no one treats me well" fortress. I must remind myself that he never lacked such "bricks" when I WAS trying to date him, so there is no need to blame myself now... I broke up with him because I DON'T think he is horrible and because I think his life in NYC IS going well! If I thought he'd've been better off WITH me, I would have dragged his ass back here, or forced myself into his life somehow. And the long distance was too painful for me - I began to feel guilty about my life here, feel like my life was two-faced, or feel like my life wasn't as good as Nick's life. And of course, the constant longing. Bah.
Note to poly or poly-curious folk: poly is NEVER supposed to feel like what I just described. If you and your significant others are not willing/able to work together into one cohesive lifestyle where your 3 primary psychosocial needs are met (autonomy, competence, belonging), get the hell out for the benefit of everyone involved. What else can you do? If your careers/life-plans cannot be actualized in the same time and space, and you are not willing to give up your career/plans, it ain't gonna work! I guess this logic can be applied to any relationship...
I'm disgusted by the whole situation. Not about the actions of any particular person in the situation, but the simple undeniable fact of its existence.
I typed a bunch more here, but the above two sentences sum things up so well, I feel no need to rant further.
*note to self: I must spend this much time posting about HAPPY thoughts someday.