i want to die.
seriously, i want to die. i hate my life.
the more i think about it the more i realize i'll never be happy. i'll never like myself. i'll never get married. i'll never feel accepted. i'll never have one of those friends that i trust with everything and who'll never leave me. i just wish i had never been born.
i'm so pathetic. i'm sitting here, nearly in tears, typing in my livejournal about how i want to die. there's so much that i should be grateful for, things that i have that alot of people don't, but i'm not. i'm a selfish bastard.
i once thought i had it all figured out. i'd grow up, get married, have two daughters, and be happy. school would be great. i'd be liked. girls would want me. but no nO NO! my life isn't anything i had dreamed about. i grew up yeah, but in a school full of kids willing to push kids like me to suicidal tendencies; in a world where the tortured like me don't learn from their suffering, where those people (including me) are hypocrites and make others miserable. i hate this life. i hate this fucking life and i don't fucking need it! yes i've grown up alright, and i regret every minute of it. i'm confused about everything, i'm lazy, i'm miserable, and i'm pathetic.
i know i could never kill myself, but there are times when i wake up and i wish i hadn't. times when i pray to God, that when i fall asleep, that he would kill me and i would never live to see another miserable day.
speaking of 'God,' what the fuck is up with him? some 'God' he is, making his 'children' suffer everyday; making the world slowly kill itself through war, suicide and crime. i live in fear everyday. fear that people will find me out and discover how shitty i am, scared that people will make me suffer more than i already do; and scared that if i WERE to die, that i would suffer for eternity in hell.
i just need to know! shit! is there a heaven/hell or not?! if there is, well then, i'll consult every therapist in the whole fucking world to make me suitable for that blessed day when i finally keel over and die. but if there isn't a hell...then i wanna break these moral ties. i wanna do whatever the fuck i want. i wanna not care if my friends do something 'immoral', fuck! i wanna join them! i wanna have sex with every human on the planet! i wanna experiment with drugs and alcohol, i wanna swear, i wanna beat the shit out of people that piss me off, and i want to TRY to make myself happy! and you nkow what? if i can't find happiness, then i'll fucking kill myself, cuz if there is no heaven or hell, then i can end the suffering and not have to worry about suffering in the after life.
SO WHAT THE FUCK IS IT? is there a hell or isn't there?! either give me a fucking answer or end my ficking misery!!!
the more i think about it the more i realize i'll never be happy. i'll never like myself. i'll never get married. i'll never feel accepted. i'll never have one of those friends that i trust with everything and who'll never leave me. i just wish i had never been born.
i'm so pathetic. i'm sitting here, nearly in tears, typing in my livejournal about how i want to die. there's so much that i should be grateful for, things that i have that alot of people don't, but i'm not. i'm a selfish bastard.
i once thought i had it all figured out. i'd grow up, get married, have two daughters, and be happy. school would be great. i'd be liked. girls would want me. but no nO NO! my life isn't anything i had dreamed about. i grew up yeah, but in a school full of kids willing to push kids like me to suicidal tendencies; in a world where the tortured like me don't learn from their suffering, where those people (including me) are hypocrites and make others miserable. i hate this life. i hate this fucking life and i don't fucking need it! yes i've grown up alright, and i regret every minute of it. i'm confused about everything, i'm lazy, i'm miserable, and i'm pathetic.
i know i could never kill myself, but there are times when i wake up and i wish i hadn't. times when i pray to God, that when i fall asleep, that he would kill me and i would never live to see another miserable day.
speaking of 'God,' what the fuck is up with him? some 'God' he is, making his 'children' suffer everyday; making the world slowly kill itself through war, suicide and crime. i live in fear everyday. fear that people will find me out and discover how shitty i am, scared that people will make me suffer more than i already do; and scared that if i WERE to die, that i would suffer for eternity in hell.
i just need to know! shit! is there a heaven/hell or not?! if there is, well then, i'll consult every therapist in the whole fucking world to make me suitable for that blessed day when i finally keel over and die. but if there isn't a hell...then i wanna break these moral ties. i wanna do whatever the fuck i want. i wanna not care if my friends do something 'immoral', fuck! i wanna join them! i wanna have sex with every human on the planet! i wanna experiment with drugs and alcohol, i wanna swear, i wanna beat the shit out of people that piss me off, and i want to TRY to make myself happy! and you nkow what? if i can't find happiness, then i'll fucking kill myself, cuz if there is no heaven or hell, then i can end the suffering and not have to worry about suffering in the after life.
SO WHAT THE FUCK IS IT? is there a hell or isn't there?! either give me a fucking answer or end my ficking misery!!!