everybodys changing and i dont feel the same.
sooo i dont really know why im writing in here. i have been wanting to but dont really have anything to say which is weird bcuz i always have something to ramble on about. im sure i can think of stuff.
at work today i was thinking about how i have this constant feeling that can only be described as "i cant wait!!!" but i dont have anything that i cant wait for. so wut am i so excited or anxious about? its strange.
last night i finally got to drink. i feel like i havent in forever but its probably only been a week or 2. and i came to the realization that i think im crazy. first off, i want cigarettes when i drink, which is disgusting and annoying and makes my throat hurt the next day. second, if im not with another girl when i drink (which i wasnt last night, i was with a buncha boys) then i "loose it" (mentally). when i get drunk i just wana dance basically and i know that erin and sami will do this with me but i didnt have them, i just had a buncha boys that were just sitting around. so i got my headphones and ipod outa my purse and put it on. then i ran out the door and ran up and down the street dancing to music, occasionally stopping and laying down because i was outa breath. but that to me sounds crazy. i mean funny as well but wut the hell? andrew kept trying to get me to stop and id be like okay okay okay and then get away from him and run through all the backyards and out back into the street screaming YES YES!! HAHHAHAHA!! I BEAT YOU!!! lol now that actually made me laugh but the point is, i go into my own little world. now is this crazy? i dont know but it doesnt seem normal to me esp when everyones like "umm..........?" when i get high this is exactly wut happens except adding ALOT of laughing and me being WAY more into my own world. i always go into a music video, get really paranoid about something and freak out, but really end up staying in the music video, sometimes even when there is no music on. but i never went into my own little world like that when i got drunk before so i think thats why i got scared of myself. it made me think, can i not handle these substances anymore? have i just lost it completely? i dont know but i enjoy doing them so i duno wut to do. after the last time i got high i really was like "okay farrah ur outa control and people are questioning what ur deal is, maybe you should stick to drinking" so then i drink and i act like im high? wut is wrong with me? have both feelings blended into one? i can stop smoking, i dont wana stop drinking, but i dont wana be the crazy girl thats outa control when everyones chilled and having a good time. or maybe i just have too much energy? so then when i do these things i just bust out because i hold alot of it in all the time since im always either at work or at school. heh, i duno. maybe im just crazy.
i wish i had more samis and erins.
o ya i hung out with kay the other day and even tho it was only for an hour and we just sat and talked it was fun. i wana start hanging out with her again and jessica too if she wants to. i miss hangin out with them. despite the crazyness/misunderstandings that happened our relationships werent bad, ya know? ive had worse friendships. and i have fun with them so if they wana hang out i do too.
well im gona go now. byeeeeeee
at work today i was thinking about how i have this constant feeling that can only be described as "i cant wait!!!" but i dont have anything that i cant wait for. so wut am i so excited or anxious about? its strange.
last night i finally got to drink. i feel like i havent in forever but its probably only been a week or 2. and i came to the realization that i think im crazy. first off, i want cigarettes when i drink, which is disgusting and annoying and makes my throat hurt the next day. second, if im not with another girl when i drink (which i wasnt last night, i was with a buncha boys) then i "loose it" (mentally). when i get drunk i just wana dance basically and i know that erin and sami will do this with me but i didnt have them, i just had a buncha boys that were just sitting around. so i got my headphones and ipod outa my purse and put it on. then i ran out the door and ran up and down the street dancing to music, occasionally stopping and laying down because i was outa breath. but that to me sounds crazy. i mean funny as well but wut the hell? andrew kept trying to get me to stop and id be like okay okay okay and then get away from him and run through all the backyards and out back into the street screaming YES YES!! HAHHAHAHA!! I BEAT YOU!!! lol now that actually made me laugh but the point is, i go into my own little world. now is this crazy? i dont know but it doesnt seem normal to me esp when everyones like "umm..........?" when i get high this is exactly wut happens except adding ALOT of laughing and me being WAY more into my own world. i always go into a music video, get really paranoid about something and freak out, but really end up staying in the music video, sometimes even when there is no music on. but i never went into my own little world like that when i got drunk before so i think thats why i got scared of myself. it made me think, can i not handle these substances anymore? have i just lost it completely? i dont know but i enjoy doing them so i duno wut to do. after the last time i got high i really was like "okay farrah ur outa control and people are questioning what ur deal is, maybe you should stick to drinking" so then i drink and i act like im high? wut is wrong with me? have both feelings blended into one? i can stop smoking, i dont wana stop drinking, but i dont wana be the crazy girl thats outa control when everyones chilled and having a good time. or maybe i just have too much energy? so then when i do these things i just bust out because i hold alot of it in all the time since im always either at work or at school. heh, i duno. maybe im just crazy.
i wish i had more samis and erins.
o ya i hung out with kay the other day and even tho it was only for an hour and we just sat and talked it was fun. i wana start hanging out with her again and jessica too if she wants to. i miss hangin out with them. despite the crazyness/misunderstandings that happened our relationships werent bad, ya know? ive had worse friendships. and i have fun with them so if they wana hang out i do too.
well im gona go now. byeeeeeee