God damn I have been wanting to write for days now
I have been going through this awful fucking period lately. Like, it's been really bad emotionally for me. I have NO idea where this came from...I have NO idea how to fix it.
I have been feeling REALLY bad about myself. Like really bad. I feel disgusting, like my body is fucking gross. I know this is going to sound so nuts (because I'm thin...like I have the perfect BMI the doctor said so) but I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see thin. I see gross. I haven't been this way in a while, and I've probably never spoken about this until now.
I used to not wear shorts or revealing clothes because I felt gross in them. That parts of me are gross and that I just needed to cover up. I think that is how I started to dress more 'tomboy'. Jeans and a tee, don't care.
Well it's back now and it's worse this time. I can't stop looking at myself in every reflection that I pass. If I wear shorts, I check out my legs to make sure my cellulite isn't showing (like I have much though I do have some). I try to wear my pants high to hide my pouch (which I barely have though it has grown some probably just from beer). I hate my fucking hair, like hate it. I just want my long hair back so I can hide under it....so it can just fucking hang there and I don't have to worry about it. I won't take selfies anymore (I know this sounds so dumb but before I was like CHECK ME OUT IDC). I find myself obsessing over other people's selfies. Other people that I think are prettier than me...wishing I looked like them. Looking at their pictures like constantly...every few minutes. Hoping to see a flaw, but I never see one. Why when I look myself I see so many?
I have been in therapy before, though my body image issues have never came up. I think I might have mentioned to her once that I had some food issues...not like starving myself but I definitely refused to eat on a regular basis for a period of time. When I was in therapy though it was all about getting over my ex, just moving on from him; talking about my mother issues; my dad's alcoholism. I got really skinny there for a while, I would say I was down to like 120 something. I'm tall too, like 5'11" so...I lost my butt, my hips, everything. I was wearing like a size 4 pants which I haven't worn since Jr. High. It was really bad. My mom used to cry and beg me to eat dinner. She used to watch me eat, to make sure I did. This was like, 2 years ago.
Then I met Jake and I don't know, I just didn't worry about it anymore. Maybe it was because he was something new and things were all good (not saying they aren't now at all) . I wasn't talking to my ex anymore, he wasn't stressing me out; Jake was wonderful and still is!
So I started to run again (this was mostly to help me forget about Zak) and gain weight back (but healthily) and I was like 140 even keel for a while. Feeling good about myself, thinking I'm pretty etc etc.
God, now I don't even know. I don't feel anything like that. I don't think that it is Jake, or anything that he is doing. He still says I'm beautiful etc...he doesn't ever degrade me or speak badly about my body. I just can't....I just. Maybe it is stress? I mean, I just moved out of my parents house with my boyfriend (something I have never really done) and am now experiencing getting used to living with him as well as handling my bills and shit. I am also starting a really serious school endeavor in August and I just got pretty terrified about it this weekend.
I just don't know. I feel crazy. I feel like, I'm just fucking crazy. I don't know if I really have body dysmorphic disorder or some stupid shit like that, or if I'm just insecure as fuck and need to get over it.
I just want to feel like myself again. I want to feel pretty and confident like I used to feel.
The confidence thing has really be effecting my friendships, I mean....like I had any but I just feel so much more isolated than before. I don't get it. I thought moving out would make me feel more free? More like, ready to do shit and hang out. When really I just hang around and worry about money and how many more reps of squats I have to do to feel alright wearing shorts to work the next day.
What kind of fucking life is that? What is wrong with my brain?
I'm just paralyzed with thoughts. Maybe it is my anxiety coming back. I don't know how to deal. I think maybe I'm going to try to run more, that helped me before. I have been running like once a week (that was all I really did before anyway) and it isn't helping. Last week I ran like 2 days in a row and I felt pretty alright.
I just don't know.
I feel out to sea without a paddle.....in a boat with a little tiny hole in it. This boat is filing up, maybe not quickly but it sure is.
I have been feeling REALLY bad about myself. Like really bad. I feel disgusting, like my body is fucking gross. I know this is going to sound so nuts (because I'm thin...like I have the perfect BMI the doctor said so) but I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see thin. I see gross. I haven't been this way in a while, and I've probably never spoken about this until now.
I used to not wear shorts or revealing clothes because I felt gross in them. That parts of me are gross and that I just needed to cover up. I think that is how I started to dress more 'tomboy'. Jeans and a tee, don't care.
Well it's back now and it's worse this time. I can't stop looking at myself in every reflection that I pass. If I wear shorts, I check out my legs to make sure my cellulite isn't showing (like I have much though I do have some). I try to wear my pants high to hide my pouch (which I barely have though it has grown some probably just from beer). I hate my fucking hair, like hate it. I just want my long hair back so I can hide under it....so it can just fucking hang there and I don't have to worry about it. I won't take selfies anymore (I know this sounds so dumb but before I was like CHECK ME OUT IDC). I find myself obsessing over other people's selfies. Other people that I think are prettier than me...wishing I looked like them. Looking at their pictures like constantly...every few minutes. Hoping to see a flaw, but I never see one. Why when I look myself I see so many?
I have been in therapy before, though my body image issues have never came up. I think I might have mentioned to her once that I had some food issues...not like starving myself but I definitely refused to eat on a regular basis for a period of time. When I was in therapy though it was all about getting over my ex, just moving on from him; talking about my mother issues; my dad's alcoholism. I got really skinny there for a while, I would say I was down to like 120 something. I'm tall too, like 5'11" so...I lost my butt, my hips, everything. I was wearing like a size 4 pants which I haven't worn since Jr. High. It was really bad. My mom used to cry and beg me to eat dinner. She used to watch me eat, to make sure I did. This was like, 2 years ago.
Then I met Jake and I don't know, I just didn't worry about it anymore. Maybe it was because he was something new and things were all good (not saying they aren't now at all) . I wasn't talking to my ex anymore, he wasn't stressing me out; Jake was wonderful and still is!
So I started to run again (this was mostly to help me forget about Zak) and gain weight back (but healthily) and I was like 140 even keel for a while. Feeling good about myself, thinking I'm pretty etc etc.
God, now I don't even know. I don't feel anything like that. I don't think that it is Jake, or anything that he is doing. He still says I'm beautiful etc...he doesn't ever degrade me or speak badly about my body. I just can't....I just. Maybe it is stress? I mean, I just moved out of my parents house with my boyfriend (something I have never really done) and am now experiencing getting used to living with him as well as handling my bills and shit. I am also starting a really serious school endeavor in August and I just got pretty terrified about it this weekend.
I just don't know. I feel crazy. I feel like, I'm just fucking crazy. I don't know if I really have body dysmorphic disorder or some stupid shit like that, or if I'm just insecure as fuck and need to get over it.
I just want to feel like myself again. I want to feel pretty and confident like I used to feel.
The confidence thing has really be effecting my friendships, I mean....like I had any but I just feel so much more isolated than before. I don't get it. I thought moving out would make me feel more free? More like, ready to do shit and hang out. When really I just hang around and worry about money and how many more reps of squats I have to do to feel alright wearing shorts to work the next day.
What kind of fucking life is that? What is wrong with my brain?
I'm just paralyzed with thoughts. Maybe it is my anxiety coming back. I don't know how to deal. I think maybe I'm going to try to run more, that helped me before. I have been running like once a week (that was all I really did before anyway) and it isn't helping. Last week I ran like 2 days in a row and I felt pretty alright.
I just don't know.
I feel out to sea without a paddle.....in a boat with a little tiny hole in it. This boat is filing up, maybe not quickly but it sure is.