This Awful Day a Year Ago
Today is Connie's one year anniversary of her death. She has been on my mind a lot lately. I frequently remember times that I had with her. When she would make me dinner, feed me candy and cheese, bother me and Keri. She taught me about sub-pumps and about being a strong individual....and a strong woman. When Connie got cancer, I really thought it would be okay. I remember her coming upstairs to Keri's apartment and we would laugh about her tumor. I remember feeling it and thinking she was crazy for being worried...who would ever think that they are going to die from cancer a year later?
I remember today last year. I remember I went to Keri's house because everyone was there and Keri wasn't sure when it was going to be. We just knew it was going to be soon. I remember her little nephew, Mason, was there. He was so cute. I have known him since he was a little baby! I feel like he knows my voice... Connie couldn't talk anymore. She had been bedridden and just a shell of the woman she was for quite some time. Keri used to tell me that the woman in the bed wasn't her mother anymore, and I honestly didn't believe it until I saw it that day. I remember I laid in bed with her, and Brad left us alone and closed the door. I said goodbye to her then, and tried to choke back tears the whole time. I didn't want her to see me weak, I didn't want her to know that I was sad. I don't even know if she was coherent enough to even realize it was me and that I was talking to her...she was awake but I don't know if she was there.
I told her I would take care of Keri, which I probably did a really bad job of. I told her I loved her, and that I will miss her. I tried to joke with her, and at one point I swore she smiled at me....but maybe that was my eyes playing tricks on me.
She died that night while I was at this beer thing with my boyfriend and his friends. I think the fact that I was in public was the only reason that I even could function when Keri texted me and told me she was gone.
A little bit after she died, my great great Aunt died; Ethel. Ethel was a down ass bitch but she had Alzheimer's really bad and it was a good thing she died. Anyway, I was standing there with the little family that is left, and I noticed that Ethel had blue roses on her coffin. Mind you, blue roses don't really exist in nature and they were spray painted blue pretty sure. However, Connie told Keri and her family that she would send a sign of blue roses. Instantly, I felt like she was with me. It was so strange....I just felt her. I almost smelled her. I lost it....
I miss her. I wish she could be there for Keri, and I wish she never would have gotten sick or died. I wish that I could have been there more for Connie and Keri throughout the years. I wish that I wasn't so selfish.
A friend told me after all this happened that even though I was a shitty person at first, that I should try to do all that I can to be a better person/friend now. I have been trying, especially since Keri left, but I find it hard. Sometimes I am afraid I have broken too much of the bond that her and I once shared.
It's something I think about a lot...Connie, Keri, South Carolina, etc etc.
Sometimes I think I just need to realize things aren't in my control...and that I just need to let shit go.
Well, I guess in conclusion to this post, I miss Connie. I think she knows that!
Love you Connie Supers! You were the best woman I have ever met, and I know that the world misses you! 11/9/13 <3333 RIP.
I remember today last year. I remember I went to Keri's house because everyone was there and Keri wasn't sure when it was going to be. We just knew it was going to be soon. I remember her little nephew, Mason, was there. He was so cute. I have known him since he was a little baby! I feel like he knows my voice... Connie couldn't talk anymore. She had been bedridden and just a shell of the woman she was for quite some time. Keri used to tell me that the woman in the bed wasn't her mother anymore, and I honestly didn't believe it until I saw it that day. I remember I laid in bed with her, and Brad left us alone and closed the door. I said goodbye to her then, and tried to choke back tears the whole time. I didn't want her to see me weak, I didn't want her to know that I was sad. I don't even know if she was coherent enough to even realize it was me and that I was talking to her...she was awake but I don't know if she was there.
I told her I would take care of Keri, which I probably did a really bad job of. I told her I loved her, and that I will miss her. I tried to joke with her, and at one point I swore she smiled at me....but maybe that was my eyes playing tricks on me.
She died that night while I was at this beer thing with my boyfriend and his friends. I think the fact that I was in public was the only reason that I even could function when Keri texted me and told me she was gone.
A little bit after she died, my great great Aunt died; Ethel. Ethel was a down ass bitch but she had Alzheimer's really bad and it was a good thing she died. Anyway, I was standing there with the little family that is left, and I noticed that Ethel had blue roses on her coffin. Mind you, blue roses don't really exist in nature and they were spray painted blue pretty sure. However, Connie told Keri and her family that she would send a sign of blue roses. Instantly, I felt like she was with me. It was so strange....I just felt her. I almost smelled her. I lost it....
I miss her. I wish she could be there for Keri, and I wish she never would have gotten sick or died. I wish that I could have been there more for Connie and Keri throughout the years. I wish that I wasn't so selfish.
A friend told me after all this happened that even though I was a shitty person at first, that I should try to do all that I can to be a better person/friend now. I have been trying, especially since Keri left, but I find it hard. Sometimes I am afraid I have broken too much of the bond that her and I once shared.
It's something I think about a lot...Connie, Keri, South Carolina, etc etc.
Sometimes I think I just need to realize things aren't in my control...and that I just need to let shit go.
Well, I guess in conclusion to this post, I miss Connie. I think she knows that!
Love you Connie Supers! You were the best woman I have ever met, and I know that the world misses you! 11/9/13 <3333 RIP.