got bruises on my hear and somtimes i get dark..
Do you ever hate it when you like in a perfect mood, and not worried about anything but then someone comes and burst your bubble giving you horrible news, like saying someone you love dearly died?
Well thats how i felt thursday except no on died but my spirit. I was in one of the best moods i could be in for being at my moms and then she starts up with me with her wanting to go to the pool for exercise.Dont get me wrong i love going to the pool but only with friends, not to fucking exercise. So i just gave her a look. n she knows i dont want to then she starts saying how i miss out on such good times i could spend with her n everything and she starts saying "lets go on a walk" an im like no! so she goes on and on how it's sad how i dont care about being healthy and howi dont care about exercising an how i look.ok i ABSOLUTELY HATE IT when she acts like she knows me every fucking move, when she doesnt!! she has no idea how or when i exercise. ok to straighten everything out for starters SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW HER OWN DAUGHTER!! cus if she did she would listen to me. she would kno that i am always stressin about how i look.n if she did listen to me every once in a while she would know i do exercise all the time and im constantly doing crunches, reverse crunches, push ups, tricept exercises,calve and thight exercises almost everynight and thats not counting the kick boxing and pilates for pe and at home.
and here everyone wonders why i was belimic. its b/c she is constantly cuting me down about how i look and that is 80% of why i dont accept compliments... its b/c i dont believe them b/c of what she's always tellin me..
i mean i was in the most content modds about my looks. i FINALLY got off thinking constantly that im fat n ugly an then she had to go say that. seriously every time i stop thinkin about that shit she has to go an say somthing. n not having a bf didnt bother me b/c i never really thought i HAD to have someone to feel complete( except when i get in romantic moods like last saturday...lol ber). but now everytime she says something like this it gets me thinking "im not pretty but ugly, no one wants me b/c im fat and if i dont weigh like 100-120lbs that im the ugliest thing. i just hate feeling like this an i had to get it out an thats a reason y i love being with my dad b/c he has never once said anyting bad about how i look he is always saying that i am so beautiful, n i have the prettiest eyes. an even if i ask him if i look fatr he always says i look great. an he says how i look good in short skirts an short even tho i hate wearing that stuff b/c of my legs. he has also NEVER said anything bad about that and its like here i am writing this in my bed holding back tears b/c of small tihngs my mom says and she rubs it in saying how she weighs 120 and shes 53 yrs old. an how i need to loose like 60 lbs.
n i like mentioned to her how i am getting wrinkles and she says " well if youd loose weight your face would thin out" an i dont wanna feel like this. im young im gonna worry about my wight till im dead ( she's an example shes 53)and i dont wanna have to worry about this shit so young.
and ppl reading this i dont want your sympathy n i dont wanna hear " your fine the way you are" and i dont wanna hear " im pretty" cus i kno that one aint true. i just really need to get this out an i pray to god that all this will stop.
plus yes i kno she is "saying this b/c she cares" but if she really did she would listen to me for once and she would ACCUALLY KNOW WHEN TO STOP!! but she doesnt!! she just constantly goes on an on. my dad knows ths bothers me, an he KNOWS HOW to talk n say things. like one time ill never forget. we were at the drive in an we were walking back to the care from the confession stand h he made a comment " god faye you are so much fun to hang out with" and i was like ya tell that to the guys at my skool and he's like " well their stupid if they dont see it" and ya that was like 3 yrs ago but its still little things like that that just make me feel so good about my self.
n ya i know im not skinny n shit but i have cometo settle with that n i probably never will unless i get surgery. its just not im my jeans. but im cool with that. and ya if a guy doesnt want me because of my body.. well fuck them i can do better. cus their just superfiscial an only care about looks and not the person.. well guess what LOOKS FADE!! and then your fucked!! i kno pleanty of ppl i would go out with that arent really attractive but they have an awsome personality!
sn i hate it when my family tries to change who i am. ya i have blonde hair n brown black on bottom. n i love my stuff from hottopic n i love wearign hats n thats just me.. so hears a little advice to my family..." here i am as perfect as im ever gonna be ...love me for me".. inother workds let me be me n not tha made up you!!
Mom- im not michelle shane or ryan GET OVER IT and dont force me to be. im my own personplus they've all fucked up before worse then i ever have.
Michelle- i like my hair so leave me the fuck alone about it
Vardis- yes what ryan is doing is wrongn id on have my own views on it. just read my speech. so dont throw tha " well dont you want him to be happy?" thing on me because you forgeting one thing... WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!?!
So ya this is me getting stuff off my chest. n if you accually read this.. i thank you
LOVE tha true me..
Well thats how i felt thursday except no on died but my spirit. I was in one of the best moods i could be in for being at my moms and then she starts up with me with her wanting to go to the pool for exercise.Dont get me wrong i love going to the pool but only with friends, not to fucking exercise. So i just gave her a look. n she knows i dont want to then she starts saying how i miss out on such good times i could spend with her n everything and she starts saying "lets go on a walk" an im like no! so she goes on and on how it's sad how i dont care about being healthy and howi dont care about exercising an how i look.ok i ABSOLUTELY HATE IT when she acts like she knows me every fucking move, when she doesnt!! she has no idea how or when i exercise. ok to straighten everything out for starters SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW HER OWN DAUGHTER!! cus if she did she would listen to me. she would kno that i am always stressin about how i look.n if she did listen to me every once in a while she would know i do exercise all the time and im constantly doing crunches, reverse crunches, push ups, tricept exercises,calve and thight exercises almost everynight and thats not counting the kick boxing and pilates for pe and at home.
and here everyone wonders why i was belimic. its b/c she is constantly cuting me down about how i look and that is 80% of why i dont accept compliments... its b/c i dont believe them b/c of what she's always tellin me..
i mean i was in the most content modds about my looks. i FINALLY got off thinking constantly that im fat n ugly an then she had to go say that. seriously every time i stop thinkin about that shit she has to go an say somthing. n not having a bf didnt bother me b/c i never really thought i HAD to have someone to feel complete( except when i get in romantic moods like last saturday...lol ber). but now everytime she says something like this it gets me thinking "im not pretty but ugly, no one wants me b/c im fat and if i dont weigh like 100-120lbs that im the ugliest thing. i just hate feeling like this an i had to get it out an thats a reason y i love being with my dad b/c he has never once said anyting bad about how i look he is always saying that i am so beautiful, n i have the prettiest eyes. an even if i ask him if i look fatr he always says i look great. an he says how i look good in short skirts an short even tho i hate wearing that stuff b/c of my legs. he has also NEVER said anything bad about that and its like here i am writing this in my bed holding back tears b/c of small tihngs my mom says and she rubs it in saying how she weighs 120 and shes 53 yrs old. an how i need to loose like 60 lbs.
n i like mentioned to her how i am getting wrinkles and she says " well if youd loose weight your face would thin out" an i dont wanna feel like this. im young im gonna worry about my wight till im dead ( she's an example shes 53)and i dont wanna have to worry about this shit so young.
and ppl reading this i dont want your sympathy n i dont wanna hear " your fine the way you are" and i dont wanna hear " im pretty" cus i kno that one aint true. i just really need to get this out an i pray to god that all this will stop.
plus yes i kno she is "saying this b/c she cares" but if she really did she would listen to me for once and she would ACCUALLY KNOW WHEN TO STOP!! but she doesnt!! she just constantly goes on an on. my dad knows ths bothers me, an he KNOWS HOW to talk n say things. like one time ill never forget. we were at the drive in an we were walking back to the care from the confession stand h he made a comment " god faye you are so much fun to hang out with" and i was like ya tell that to the guys at my skool and he's like " well their stupid if they dont see it" and ya that was like 3 yrs ago but its still little things like that that just make me feel so good about my self.
n ya i know im not skinny n shit but i have cometo settle with that n i probably never will unless i get surgery. its just not im my jeans. but im cool with that. and ya if a guy doesnt want me because of my body.. well fuck them i can do better. cus their just superfiscial an only care about looks and not the person.. well guess what LOOKS FADE!! and then your fucked!! i kno pleanty of ppl i would go out with that arent really attractive but they have an awsome personality!
sn i hate it when my family tries to change who i am. ya i have blonde hair n brown black on bottom. n i love my stuff from hottopic n i love wearign hats n thats just me.. so hears a little advice to my family..." here i am as perfect as im ever gonna be ...love me for me".. inother workds let me be me n not tha made up you!!
Mom- im not michelle shane or ryan GET OVER IT and dont force me to be. im my own personplus they've all fucked up before worse then i ever have.
Michelle- i like my hair so leave me the fuck alone about it
Vardis- yes what ryan is doing is wrongn id on have my own views on it. just read my speech. so dont throw tha " well dont you want him to be happy?" thing on me because you forgeting one thing... WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!?!
So ya this is me getting stuff off my chest. n if you accually read this.. i thank you
LOVE tha true me..