strange calling to write, and this is how i answered
Damn, shit, dick, fuck, and even butt; these are a few of the '4 letter words', all 'taboos' within our society. All of these words have an equal amount of appeal to me; none, but the 4 lettered word that I hate the most... is love. The uncertainty and sheer unpredictability of this word gives me a more negative connotation than a positive, peaceful one. Love is all we need, but unfortunately only for those who are lucky enough to have it.
I am no doubt about it, 101%, shit-out-of-luck in that department. From the moment I knew boys didn't have cooties after all, those feelings I would eventually feel now had the thumbs up to float freely in...bad mistake! Not only have I never been madly in love (not lust) but I have been badly hurt by something that I didn't feel was even close enough to blow its fowl breath in my face: L,O,V,E. I know how to spell it, I know what it looks like, I know what it means, but why do I lack the sense to feel it? Maybe it's not the sense I am lacking, but what I lack in feeling; a tolerance for it. I have repressed so much of what can inevitably give me emotion s0o I don't have to deal with the consequences, I don't want them. Call me, well I don't know what to call even call myself but apathetic, but call me it, because its true; at least according to the past events of my 18 1/2 years on this earth.
Its hard to be a go getter of someone else when you don't even know what you want for yourself, and that is impossible without knowing who you are, something I didn't figure out in the beginning of my teen years. Because of this setback I have begun to grow older, a little too old for my own good, but only mentally. I have come to detest and reject any feeling of emotion for a man that I really care about, and instead go after men that seem to not care about me, but care about sticking their tongues in my mouth fishing around for something that they wont find. Then I "not like them anymore" because "I didn't know them well enough in the first place", when it really just freaked me out that I have no emotion towards them after all...I mean shouldn't I? I thought i did...
Having said that, I'm starting to think I am not alone in this. In fact plenty of women don't make the right choice between guys, don't realize they aren't wiser beyond their years, and don't know why they can habitually gush to their diaries about something they claim they have never felt, love, ...like me. Maybe I am in love right now with someone that loves me too, yet because I don't really know what I am looking for, I haven't yet realized it. I am not so much numb to the feeling of 'love', I just don't know what to do with it!
But I want to tell you a story now, a story of a 'bad word', a '4 letter word' that was always misunderstood, until one day when that word became a 'good word'. It was still a 4 lettered word, but oh so much more. People weren't afraid to use this one like the other 4 lettered words. They would write it, hear it, and even dare to say it: L,O,V,E it was; love.
Each day is always what you make of it, and in time, if it already hasn't happened, you too will use this 4 lettered word, and you won't get cooties from it. Until that day, realize, like me, you are not alone, and until you know yourself you can't expect to find what your heart is looking for. But for now, while we wait, I promise to make sure the other 4 letter words aren't fucking forgotten as well!
-Sam Leshin- 7-22-04 1:30am
I am no doubt about it, 101%, shit-out-of-luck in that department. From the moment I knew boys didn't have cooties after all, those feelings I would eventually feel now had the thumbs up to float freely in...bad mistake! Not only have I never been madly in love (not lust) but I have been badly hurt by something that I didn't feel was even close enough to blow its fowl breath in my face: L,O,V,E. I know how to spell it, I know what it looks like, I know what it means, but why do I lack the sense to feel it? Maybe it's not the sense I am lacking, but what I lack in feeling; a tolerance for it. I have repressed so much of what can inevitably give me emotion s0o I don't have to deal with the consequences, I don't want them. Call me, well I don't know what to call even call myself but apathetic, but call me it, because its true; at least according to the past events of my 18 1/2 years on this earth.
Its hard to be a go getter of someone else when you don't even know what you want for yourself, and that is impossible without knowing who you are, something I didn't figure out in the beginning of my teen years. Because of this setback I have begun to grow older, a little too old for my own good, but only mentally. I have come to detest and reject any feeling of emotion for a man that I really care about, and instead go after men that seem to not care about me, but care about sticking their tongues in my mouth fishing around for something that they wont find. Then I "not like them anymore" because "I didn't know them well enough in the first place", when it really just freaked me out that I have no emotion towards them after all...I mean shouldn't I? I thought i did...
Having said that, I'm starting to think I am not alone in this. In fact plenty of women don't make the right choice between guys, don't realize they aren't wiser beyond their years, and don't know why they can habitually gush to their diaries about something they claim they have never felt, love, ...like me. Maybe I am in love right now with someone that loves me too, yet because I don't really know what I am looking for, I haven't yet realized it. I am not so much numb to the feeling of 'love', I just don't know what to do with it!
But I want to tell you a story now, a story of a 'bad word', a '4 letter word' that was always misunderstood, until one day when that word became a 'good word'. It was still a 4 lettered word, but oh so much more. People weren't afraid to use this one like the other 4 lettered words. They would write it, hear it, and even dare to say it: L,O,V,E it was; love.
Each day is always what you make of it, and in time, if it already hasn't happened, you too will use this 4 lettered word, and you won't get cooties from it. Until that day, realize, like me, you are not alone, and until you know yourself you can't expect to find what your heart is looking for. But for now, while we wait, I promise to make sure the other 4 letter words aren't fucking forgotten as well!
-Sam Leshin- 7-22-04 1:30am