(no subject)
I started this entry once, and I'll start it again until it gets posted.
"maybe it's because telling the truth would make them feel too vulnerable."
-J.D., Scrubs.
It's time I tell the truth. I've come to realize that I shut people out more than ever. I'm beginning to think that no one really knows me anymore. Over the last four years I've become more and more introverted and more and more content with no one really knowing me. I know I come across as bold, confident, excited, happy, somewhat bitchy, and very sure of who I am. but i'm not.
i'm insecure. unknowing. shy.
the more I act like I'm not, the more I really am.
the bitchier i am to someone, the more i am scared of them and how they make me feel.
i don't let myself be vulnerable and i need to work on letting myself be vulnerable and feel vulnerable. I need to work on letting people in and trusting that they are people too.
Very few people know certain things about me. About my hopes and dreams and how I prioritize things. I work things out certain ways in my head. I have known exactly what I wanted to do with my life since I was in 7th grade. I've changed my mind several times, because I was scared. Because I didn't think I had the guts. Didn't think I had the talent or what was needed to do what I needed to do. But the more that I prioritize myself. The more that I think about what I sacrifice and what I would sacrifice and what I have sacrificed to do what I want to do, the more I realize that I cannot do anything else with my life.
I've got a lot of learning and a lot of living left to do. I know this. But I've got a plan. And I've got drive. That's more than I can say for most people my age.
so I've made a couple new years resolutions. Even though I don't really believe in them. But these are just things that I need to do anyways. To work on.
1. Allow myself to be vulnerable.
2. Stop coming across as bitchy.
3. read and workout more. I used to be good about this, and I've become so lazy!!!
4. Have a healthy relationship in 2006. 2005 just...wasn't healthy. come to think of it...2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, 2000, 1999, and every year before that weren't very healthy either...but 2005 is definitely the most unhealthy year. and negative. It really didn't need to be...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I know three things about myself. and since I'm working on that whole...letting people in thing, I'll tell you one.
I am extremely ambitious, almost to a fault.
i set my mind to something and don't rest until i get it. i won't rest until i do it. i know what i want in life. i know what i need in life. i have priorities and goals and nothing will stop me. I've used this as an excuse for the past two years to not let people in. I say that I don't have time, that I need to focus on school. really i'm just scared. I'm afraid of change in my status quo. I've decided that my career and education are such risky fields that I can't take chances in other areas of my life. I'm afraid that taking chances and letting people get close to me will distract me and detract from my goals. Which streams directly to number two thing that I know about myself.
I have more irrational and neurotic fears than anyone I know.
but this is what makes me who I am. I like that. And I am okay with that.
2006 needs to be a year for me allow myself to feel. I've become more and more content with who I am, who I appear to be and who I want to be in life. But now I need to let other people in and to be ready for anything. I want to be ready. And willing.
"maybe it's because telling the truth would make them feel too vulnerable."
-J.D., Scrubs.
It's time I tell the truth. I've come to realize that I shut people out more than ever. I'm beginning to think that no one really knows me anymore. Over the last four years I've become more and more introverted and more and more content with no one really knowing me. I know I come across as bold, confident, excited, happy, somewhat bitchy, and very sure of who I am. but i'm not.
i'm insecure. unknowing. shy.
the more I act like I'm not, the more I really am.
the bitchier i am to someone, the more i am scared of them and how they make me feel.
i don't let myself be vulnerable and i need to work on letting myself be vulnerable and feel vulnerable. I need to work on letting people in and trusting that they are people too.
Very few people know certain things about me. About my hopes and dreams and how I prioritize things. I work things out certain ways in my head. I have known exactly what I wanted to do with my life since I was in 7th grade. I've changed my mind several times, because I was scared. Because I didn't think I had the guts. Didn't think I had the talent or what was needed to do what I needed to do. But the more that I prioritize myself. The more that I think about what I sacrifice and what I would sacrifice and what I have sacrificed to do what I want to do, the more I realize that I cannot do anything else with my life.
I've got a lot of learning and a lot of living left to do. I know this. But I've got a plan. And I've got drive. That's more than I can say for most people my age.
so I've made a couple new years resolutions. Even though I don't really believe in them. But these are just things that I need to do anyways. To work on.
1. Allow myself to be vulnerable.
2. Stop coming across as bitchy.
3. read and workout more. I used to be good about this, and I've become so lazy!!!
4. Have a healthy relationship in 2006. 2005 just...wasn't healthy. come to think of it...2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, 2000, 1999, and every year before that weren't very healthy either...but 2005 is definitely the most unhealthy year. and negative. It really didn't need to be...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I know three things about myself. and since I'm working on that whole...letting people in thing, I'll tell you one.
I am extremely ambitious, almost to a fault.
i set my mind to something and don't rest until i get it. i won't rest until i do it. i know what i want in life. i know what i need in life. i have priorities and goals and nothing will stop me. I've used this as an excuse for the past two years to not let people in. I say that I don't have time, that I need to focus on school. really i'm just scared. I'm afraid of change in my status quo. I've decided that my career and education are such risky fields that I can't take chances in other areas of my life. I'm afraid that taking chances and letting people get close to me will distract me and detract from my goals. Which streams directly to number two thing that I know about myself.
I have more irrational and neurotic fears than anyone I know.
but this is what makes me who I am. I like that. And I am okay with that.
2006 needs to be a year for me allow myself to feel. I've become more and more content with who I am, who I appear to be and who I want to be in life. But now I need to let other people in and to be ready for anything. I want to be ready. And willing.