Realization?

[iluvturtlezzz]

My moods have been too sporadic lately. I got into a fight with one of my "friends" today in English. She told me that I don't understand that I have no friends, and that at least she admits that she is a bitch while I am completely unaware that I am the same way. She called me a bastard a few times, and I agreed with her. (It doesn't bother me.) I mean, I know that some people don't like me, and I understand that they never will because I will not give them the opportunity to. I am annoying to the "boring" people who have nothing better to do than stand around and be boring. I guess I mean that I don't care so much that most people find me annoying because they also annoy me in a way. But still, no one likes to be disliked. And I'm not sure if it's a dislike or a simple annoyance or both. The only people that really matter, I guess, are my real friends (Leah) and my family. Everyone else is kind of off to the side. After high school is over, I probably won't contact even half of the people I would consider "close friends" (bullshit). The point is, once someone dislikes me, it's forever. Like I said before, I am tired of having to apologize for the things I mean and also how I act. I act the way I do for a reason, and that's to get attention and to get away from the perception of "normal." I suppose it's kind of sad that I think that way.

But still, I'm a sophomore. I'm immature. I'll learn. Right?

EDIT: This post is so bitchy. I didn't mean half of what I wrote. I think everyone in my life is important, and I wish I could know them forever and ever. I want to maintain relationships with everyone, even people I don't like that much. I'm afraid to lose people. Period.