(no subject)
I am finally realizing that I need to take care of myself. I need to become strong again and love myself like how I did a year ago. A year ago, I was so certain of myself. I was so independent and happy. This past year has been a struggle for myself. It was my mistake that I thought I could move out to an apartment with friends. In a situation where I thought I'd be with my best friends, and I'd have every freedom in the world, it actually turned out to be the opposite. Living with friends does not work out. I lost those friendships. I could hardly afford that apartment. I hardly had hours at my job. Luckily, in Feburary I found a different job at the zoo, but then I had to juggle a full time job, a part time job, monitoring at the UB photo lab, and going to school full time. It was so difficult. And every penny that I made had to go to my rent, utilities, and for gas in my car. I shouldn't complain because like I said, it was my choice! But the worst of it all was living in an apartment with people who used to think you knew. Walking into another room was a big ordeal. It was like "Do I say goodmorning? or Do I ingore them today?" Classes killed me my final semester. I have NO idea how I finished everything, and how I even graduated on time. I literally was still doing stuff for classes even the day after my graduation. The semester just drained every ounce of energy out of me.
My thesis show was a disaster. I worked for hours on those photos. I gave my heart and soul to those. I was struggling with doing something else because I read this inspiring book called The Monstrous Feminine. But with asking people at the last moment, and when other people are busy, no one could really get back to me. So I had to rely on myself and do something else that I just had to do. The Octopus. All of the late nights working on those, taking aderol, developing film, scanning the film, and hours upon hours of editing, this was the most I had ever spent on my photography. My thesis show was supposed to be fun. Instead this asshole Anne Marie had the hammerdrill in her car for 2 days and I wasn't able to install. TYPICAL. Of course, the staircase I chose to display my work was brick and then hard cement...there was no other way to get my wall pieces on the wall. I ended up finishing my installation an hour after the show already began. Derek and I were fighting and just wanted it overwith. And then I was wearing the same cvlothes for the past 2 days, so I went home to shower and change. I finally attended my thesis show at about 10:30 pm. The wine was gone. The food was gone. The show died down. I wasn't even able to enjoy myself or the night or the show or the artwork. I felt devastated in all honesty. The only plus was that 2 very prominent professors/artists that I had felt that it was the best in show. I really hope UB asks me to display them this upcoming season at UB. I'd love nothing more than to display them in the proper way that I wanted them to be.
The only reason I am not totally completely fucking nuts is because of Derek. He has stood by me for everything. We have had our stupid arguments and fights before, but he has always been there for me. Through my constant moods, my developing depression, and penniless pockets, he has helped me stay somewhat happy.
I am scared that I will lose him. Because at this very moment, I feel I don't have a whole lot of anything. I really do care for him. I do love him. I am trying to seek help for my depression/upsetting mood. I don't really know what to do. I think we both need to just take care of our own selves for a while and take a breath of fresh air or something. I just would hate to lose him because of this escalading horrible year that has been leaving such a heavy weight on my shoulders. I guess I will be patient for now.
I am trying my hardest to make me happy right now. And finally take of myself again.
My thesis show was a disaster. I worked for hours on those photos. I gave my heart and soul to those. I was struggling with doing something else because I read this inspiring book called The Monstrous Feminine. But with asking people at the last moment, and when other people are busy, no one could really get back to me. So I had to rely on myself and do something else that I just had to do. The Octopus. All of the late nights working on those, taking aderol, developing film, scanning the film, and hours upon hours of editing, this was the most I had ever spent on my photography. My thesis show was supposed to be fun. Instead this asshole Anne Marie had the hammerdrill in her car for 2 days and I wasn't able to install. TYPICAL. Of course, the staircase I chose to display my work was brick and then hard cement...there was no other way to get my wall pieces on the wall. I ended up finishing my installation an hour after the show already began. Derek and I were fighting and just wanted it overwith. And then I was wearing the same cvlothes for the past 2 days, so I went home to shower and change. I finally attended my thesis show at about 10:30 pm. The wine was gone. The food was gone. The show died down. I wasn't even able to enjoy myself or the night or the show or the artwork. I felt devastated in all honesty. The only plus was that 2 very prominent professors/artists that I had felt that it was the best in show. I really hope UB asks me to display them this upcoming season at UB. I'd love nothing more than to display them in the proper way that I wanted them to be.
The only reason I am not totally completely fucking nuts is because of Derek. He has stood by me for everything. We have had our stupid arguments and fights before, but he has always been there for me. Through my constant moods, my developing depression, and penniless pockets, he has helped me stay somewhat happy.
I am scared that I will lose him. Because at this very moment, I feel I don't have a whole lot of anything. I really do care for him. I do love him. I am trying to seek help for my depression/upsetting mood. I don't really know what to do. I think we both need to just take care of our own selves for a while and take a breath of fresh air or something. I just would hate to lose him because of this escalading horrible year that has been leaving such a heavy weight on my shoulders. I guess I will be patient for now.
I am trying my hardest to make me happy right now. And finally take of myself again.