(no subject)
I spent 8 1/2 hours in the photo lab last night taking pinhole photographs of all these dumb action figures that I have. It was nice to not do it alone and to have a friend there with me. His name is Alex, and he's really awesome. We spent the entire day together, mall, food, and photography all night. We developed our 120 film together and we even wore aprons and blue gloves and then took really dumb photobooth photos of us dancing with the spools of film. He's really fun and I enjoy him so much. It's nice to actually make some form of art with a companion again. It's been such a long time and I've definitely missed that. I really hope Alex and I will keep this friendship going, and that it won't just be temporary. Temporary friends really bother me. Losing friends is even worse.
Brielle and I don't really talk anymore. I know she's busy with school and a job but we never talk or see each other. When we do, it's super awkward. Sometimes she doesn't even reply to my really emo messages like "i feel so disconnected to you." Maybe I am a needy person? Maybe I talk about myself all the time in a friendship and people can't handle that? I thought I was a good friend. We were going to date each other once, but it kinda fell through. I wasn't sure if it was for serious or not, and maybe I'm still confused about the whole issue. All I know is that I've been really sad about the whole situation. I hate being ignored by the people I love and care about. I feel like I lost one of my best friends. One of the only true friends I actually met in college. I don't know what is happening before my very own eyes anymore.
The scholarship show I did was so stressful that I skipped a week of classes. I finally did my cyanotypes (with the help of Chris...) and they're okay. I kinda hate them a lot but it's a dumb print exchange that I don't really give a damn about. What I care about is my minature stage I'm building with my beautiful marionettes...everything else can go suck a fuck. I'm too far into the 'artmaking' at this point and assigned projects are difficult for me to even try to enjoy. Speaking to Christopher was strange. I don't why why we were both so happy and smiling to sit next to each other and talk to each other. We said lame things and made dumb jokes. We were even kinda mean and flirty with each other. I think I want to puke. Looking at his blue eyes again made me feel lost and I just wanted to be there next to him. I feel like a fool. I don't know what the fuck my problem is. I'm atually really upset that I know I'm never ever going to see him again after a couple months and he'll truly be out of my life forever. I wish I could be over it, but I'm not. I feel so empty and it's annoying. I hate him so fucking much that I just love him and it's totally retarded. He was so horrible to me, it's disgusting. I obviously don't care very much about myself if I'm still getting bothered by him. Anyways...I ended up being really embarrassed that I asked for his help with cyanotypes. I felt like he was judging me the whole time, with my artwork and the way that I just work in general.
I spent about 11 hours in the lab today making cyanotype prints and cutting my matte boards for my pinholes. I'm not the best matter. This was also my first attempt at cyanotypes. I feel mediocre. With life.
I feel gross lately. I just want to work out, eat healthy, and be happy. But I don't even have time. I'm always doing artwork or trying to study or working. Why am I so busy?! I wish I could have a normal life with free time or time to just talk to people or to even keep my friendships going. But everything fails.
Ugh and another epic fail was that last Mohawk dance party. I made out with this dude, and he keeps messaging me on facebook to hang out. I need to make prettier decisions in public.
Oh, and I always fall for gay guys. And it's really starting to hurt me. I hope there is a normal straight guy out there someday for me. And I hope he likes sweaters and drinks tea every morning. I also hope he's intelligent and listens to Joy Division on his trendy ipod while he rides his bike.
I need bed before I start crying. I have a critique at 9 am. I don't even want to go to school in the morning...I feel like my body fell in the snow and just gave up on getting back up.
Brielle and I don't really talk anymore. I know she's busy with school and a job but we never talk or see each other. When we do, it's super awkward. Sometimes she doesn't even reply to my really emo messages like "i feel so disconnected to you." Maybe I am a needy person? Maybe I talk about myself all the time in a friendship and people can't handle that? I thought I was a good friend. We were going to date each other once, but it kinda fell through. I wasn't sure if it was for serious or not, and maybe I'm still confused about the whole issue. All I know is that I've been really sad about the whole situation. I hate being ignored by the people I love and care about. I feel like I lost one of my best friends. One of the only true friends I actually met in college. I don't know what is happening before my very own eyes anymore.
The scholarship show I did was so stressful that I skipped a week of classes. I finally did my cyanotypes (with the help of Chris...) and they're okay. I kinda hate them a lot but it's a dumb print exchange that I don't really give a damn about. What I care about is my minature stage I'm building with my beautiful marionettes...everything else can go suck a fuck. I'm too far into the 'artmaking' at this point and assigned projects are difficult for me to even try to enjoy. Speaking to Christopher was strange. I don't why why we were both so happy and smiling to sit next to each other and talk to each other. We said lame things and made dumb jokes. We were even kinda mean and flirty with each other. I think I want to puke. Looking at his blue eyes again made me feel lost and I just wanted to be there next to him. I feel like a fool. I don't know what the fuck my problem is. I'm atually really upset that I know I'm never ever going to see him again after a couple months and he'll truly be out of my life forever. I wish I could be over it, but I'm not. I feel so empty and it's annoying. I hate him so fucking much that I just love him and it's totally retarded. He was so horrible to me, it's disgusting. I obviously don't care very much about myself if I'm still getting bothered by him. Anyways...I ended up being really embarrassed that I asked for his help with cyanotypes. I felt like he was judging me the whole time, with my artwork and the way that I just work in general.
I spent about 11 hours in the lab today making cyanotype prints and cutting my matte boards for my pinholes. I'm not the best matter. This was also my first attempt at cyanotypes. I feel mediocre. With life.
I feel gross lately. I just want to work out, eat healthy, and be happy. But I don't even have time. I'm always doing artwork or trying to study or working. Why am I so busy?! I wish I could have a normal life with free time or time to just talk to people or to even keep my friendships going. But everything fails.
Ugh and another epic fail was that last Mohawk dance party. I made out with this dude, and he keeps messaging me on facebook to hang out. I need to make prettier decisions in public.
Oh, and I always fall for gay guys. And it's really starting to hurt me. I hope there is a normal straight guy out there someday for me. And I hope he likes sweaters and drinks tea every morning. I also hope he's intelligent and listens to Joy Division on his trendy ipod while he rides his bike.
I need bed before I start crying. I have a critique at 9 am. I don't even want to go to school in the morning...I feel like my body fell in the snow and just gave up on getting back up.