The First Cut
Now I look at the space on my cubicle where that picture used to hang. The picture I'd look at when I missed him at work. The picture that had gotten me through the day when I was stressed, worried, or bored. Now I'd have to ask, "Guess which picture I threw in the garbage at my office." Guess which pictures I tucked inside cabinets, placed face-down in drawers, deleted from my computer, and my Facebook. Guess how hard I'm trying to erase every visible memory of you. Guess how hard it is to delete memories imprinted in your mind, your heart. Every time I close my eyes, I think of a happy memory we had. I close my eyes and get a flash of us trick-or-treating on Halloween our first year together. My eyelids shut again and I think of how you were the only one there for me in the audience at the mass on the eve to my graduation. A third time and I remember the butterflies in my stomach before I had to make my Salutatorian speech, primarily because I wanted to make you proud of me. Once more and I see our hands intertwined on my pull out couch, telling each other the silly dirty jokes we had learned over the years. How do you erase those images? When do they stop hurting?
It’s so easy to remember how much fun we had together. It’s harder to remember all the times you made me cry. They’re hard to remember, but it’s getting easier. Everyone is telling me how much better off I’ll be without you. These words I’m sure you’re hearing from your friends because of the way you skew your stories. Yes, I can be jealous. Yes, I can be irrational. But look at who you are. Think of what you’ve said to me. Remember that we are similar, but the one way in which we are different is that I never had it in my heart to hurt you. Something tells me that this was the person you always were, but you changed yourself for me. I never asked for you to change. You presented yourself to me as a person you weren’t on June 3rd, 2006. We sat on your couch, and after 6 days of knowing you, you said you were falling in love with me. After 6 days of knowing you, you asked me to be your girlfriend. Seven days later, you said you loved me as you held me in the back seat of your friend’s car, and for the first time, I said it back. You tricked me into loving you. I welcomed this obsessive love because I thought it was real. After two months, you slid a silver ring on my finger and promised me forever.
After two years, you came back from your trip to England and Italy and promised me a finite amount of time. In a year, you’d be gone, you said. In a year, regardless if we were together, you are moving to England. You didn’t extend an invitation to me. You don’t want me to be there, so I won’t be. What you won’t tell anyone is who you met in England. You probably realize how ridiculous it sounds, so you just won’t mention it. But I know how quickly you get attached to people. I know because you did it with me. How foolish I was not to think you’d do it again. I just didn't expect it to be with a sixteen-year-old girl who lives in England.
What you probably don't realize is that this dream you have of moving there will never become a reality. This is one of your scarcely thought out plans, and you can't stand hearing me say that to you. You said you felt trapped. I'm the one who encouraged you to go to school--you're the one who didn't study and failed most of your classes. You sealed your own fate as a prospective sanitation worker, which doesn't sound glamorous, but it's a respectable job with respectable benefits. This quarter-life crisis you're going through--you know, the one you say doesn't actually exist but does--ruined us. You took me for granted, and I almost feel sorry for you. You'd rather be alone right now because you need to sort your thoughts out, and that's fine. Just remember what I said to you on the phone with tears streaming down my face. Those familiar tears that I had cried a hundred times before. Remember what I said to you. Words that served as a dig, as a curse. If you can't remember, I'll paraphrase: "I was always so insecure about your ex girlfriends because I always thought they were so much prettier than I was. But I realize now that I'm pretty, I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm witty, and I am the most beautiful girl that you will EVER date, and that should scare you to death. If, in a month, you want to come back, and you see that I'm happy, DON'T. DON'T." You didn't say anything to this. Maybe it's because you know it's true. Maybe you realize what your family and I have been saying to you for the past week: No one will love you like Amanda loves you. Like I love you. I pay your bills online for you. Things no one does for their partners until they're married I did for you. Whats even funnier is that you were too much of a coward to even say that you wanted to break up. You would just allude to it, saying cruel things, expecting me to do it. "How easy or how hard do you want me to make this for you?" You asked. You were being selfish again, wanting to keep your hands clean to make it possible for re-entry if you should regret your ridiculous decision.
If you don't regret it now because you're "spreading your wings," just think about how it will feel in a month. When it's your birthday, and, for the first time in three years, I'm not there to make you feel loved and special, to buy you some expensive gift that you had said you wanted in passing, to hold you and say how amazing I thought you were, I hope you feel it. I hope you feel half the sadness I feel now. You can't be with your friends all the time like you're trying to do now. It'll hit you when you're alone. When you get off at the Greenburgh/Ardsley exit so that you can make the right and go to your job, I hope you think of me. I hope you think of all the times you made that left. I hope you remember the times I got into your car when you were unshaven, unshowered, and ungroomed, and I called you handsome because I saw you with my heart. No girl would put up with half the things I did. No girl would sit there and watch five hours of "That 70's Show," a show she HATEs, just to appease you. Who else would watch you play World of Warcraft, Final Fantasy, or some equally mind-numbing game and smile at you, brushing your hair back behind your ears because she knew you liked it? You never did anything I wanted to, but I accepted it. I took it because I loved you.
So tell your friends what a bad girlfriend I was. How ridiculous I was. I’ll be sure to tell everyone what a stupid girlfriend I was. How stupid I was to drive to your house in the pouring rain because you had a cold, bringing you food and Vicks to rub on your chest for you. What an idiot I was to wake up at 5 in the morning, drive to your house, drive with you to a body shop so you could drop off your car, then drive you to work. How foolish I was to go to your house after you got your wisdom tooth removed so that I could cook you dinner and take care of you. What a fool for dropping what I had to do to bring you your spare key when you locked yourself out of your car. How dumb I was for driving to you when you worked at Christmas Tree Shops and bringing you hot chocolate because it was so, so cold, and you were working outside. For making you cocoa after your camping trip got rained out and your hands were like ice. For bringing you and your family breakfast. For writing you a love letter telling you how much I loved your right before you left for your trip. For coming over in the mornings before school so that you wouldn’t be alone. For listening to you when you told me not to talk to certain people. For caring so much and not realizing that you stopped caring long ago. For not seeing it sooner. For getting my heart broken so unexpectedly.
I've been a "we" so long that I have no idea who I am. I'm going out to bars and getting diet coke (since I still don't drink) just to find out if I like the atmosphere. You always told me I wouldn't so that you wouldn't have to worry about me talking to guys. You were wrong. I got my naval pierced, you know. Remember how you would never let me do anything to my body? How you claimed it as yours? I don't belong to you anymore. You don't own me anymore. I danced with a guy I didn't know last night, and it still felt like I was cheating on you. Are you feeling the same sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, wondering what I'm up to? There was hesitation in your voice when we spoke. I asked if you had missed holding me during our one-week break. You wouldn't answer. You weren't sure if you could find something better. You want to find out if you can have all the perks of a relationship with none of the responsibilities. I can tell you you won't, and if you do, it's because the girl doesn't care like I did. Like I do. But I won't care for long. I've been phasing you out day by day. I'll replace you with someone who would do half the things I've done for you. You made these bold gestures when we first started dating, but I can't remember the last selfless thing you've done for me. I haven't forgotten them, but that's the problem. I keep remembering who you used to be. I keep remembering how amazing it used to feel. How sure of myself I was. How sure of us I was. Why can't you remember who you used to be?
Thanks for the memories. Now how do I erase them?
It’s so easy to remember how much fun we had together. It’s harder to remember all the times you made me cry. They’re hard to remember, but it’s getting easier. Everyone is telling me how much better off I’ll be without you. These words I’m sure you’re hearing from your friends because of the way you skew your stories. Yes, I can be jealous. Yes, I can be irrational. But look at who you are. Think of what you’ve said to me. Remember that we are similar, but the one way in which we are different is that I never had it in my heart to hurt you. Something tells me that this was the person you always were, but you changed yourself for me. I never asked for you to change. You presented yourself to me as a person you weren’t on June 3rd, 2006. We sat on your couch, and after 6 days of knowing you, you said you were falling in love with me. After 6 days of knowing you, you asked me to be your girlfriend. Seven days later, you said you loved me as you held me in the back seat of your friend’s car, and for the first time, I said it back. You tricked me into loving you. I welcomed this obsessive love because I thought it was real. After two months, you slid a silver ring on my finger and promised me forever.
After two years, you came back from your trip to England and Italy and promised me a finite amount of time. In a year, you’d be gone, you said. In a year, regardless if we were together, you are moving to England. You didn’t extend an invitation to me. You don’t want me to be there, so I won’t be. What you won’t tell anyone is who you met in England. You probably realize how ridiculous it sounds, so you just won’t mention it. But I know how quickly you get attached to people. I know because you did it with me. How foolish I was not to think you’d do it again. I just didn't expect it to be with a sixteen-year-old girl who lives in England.
What you probably don't realize is that this dream you have of moving there will never become a reality. This is one of your scarcely thought out plans, and you can't stand hearing me say that to you. You said you felt trapped. I'm the one who encouraged you to go to school--you're the one who didn't study and failed most of your classes. You sealed your own fate as a prospective sanitation worker, which doesn't sound glamorous, but it's a respectable job with respectable benefits. This quarter-life crisis you're going through--you know, the one you say doesn't actually exist but does--ruined us. You took me for granted, and I almost feel sorry for you. You'd rather be alone right now because you need to sort your thoughts out, and that's fine. Just remember what I said to you on the phone with tears streaming down my face. Those familiar tears that I had cried a hundred times before. Remember what I said to you. Words that served as a dig, as a curse. If you can't remember, I'll paraphrase: "I was always so insecure about your ex girlfriends because I always thought they were so much prettier than I was. But I realize now that I'm pretty, I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm witty, and I am the most beautiful girl that you will EVER date, and that should scare you to death. If, in a month, you want to come back, and you see that I'm happy, DON'T. DON'T." You didn't say anything to this. Maybe it's because you know it's true. Maybe you realize what your family and I have been saying to you for the past week: No one will love you like Amanda loves you. Like I love you. I pay your bills online for you. Things no one does for their partners until they're married I did for you. Whats even funnier is that you were too much of a coward to even say that you wanted to break up. You would just allude to it, saying cruel things, expecting me to do it. "How easy or how hard do you want me to make this for you?" You asked. You were being selfish again, wanting to keep your hands clean to make it possible for re-entry if you should regret your ridiculous decision.
If you don't regret it now because you're "spreading your wings," just think about how it will feel in a month. When it's your birthday, and, for the first time in three years, I'm not there to make you feel loved and special, to buy you some expensive gift that you had said you wanted in passing, to hold you and say how amazing I thought you were, I hope you feel it. I hope you feel half the sadness I feel now. You can't be with your friends all the time like you're trying to do now. It'll hit you when you're alone. When you get off at the Greenburgh/Ardsley exit so that you can make the right and go to your job, I hope you think of me. I hope you think of all the times you made that left. I hope you remember the times I got into your car when you were unshaven, unshowered, and ungroomed, and I called you handsome because I saw you with my heart. No girl would put up with half the things I did. No girl would sit there and watch five hours of "That 70's Show," a show she HATEs, just to appease you. Who else would watch you play World of Warcraft, Final Fantasy, or some equally mind-numbing game and smile at you, brushing your hair back behind your ears because she knew you liked it? You never did anything I wanted to, but I accepted it. I took it because I loved you.
So tell your friends what a bad girlfriend I was. How ridiculous I was. I’ll be sure to tell everyone what a stupid girlfriend I was. How stupid I was to drive to your house in the pouring rain because you had a cold, bringing you food and Vicks to rub on your chest for you. What an idiot I was to wake up at 5 in the morning, drive to your house, drive with you to a body shop so you could drop off your car, then drive you to work. How foolish I was to go to your house after you got your wisdom tooth removed so that I could cook you dinner and take care of you. What a fool for dropping what I had to do to bring you your spare key when you locked yourself out of your car. How dumb I was for driving to you when you worked at Christmas Tree Shops and bringing you hot chocolate because it was so, so cold, and you were working outside. For making you cocoa after your camping trip got rained out and your hands were like ice. For bringing you and your family breakfast. For writing you a love letter telling you how much I loved your right before you left for your trip. For coming over in the mornings before school so that you wouldn’t be alone. For listening to you when you told me not to talk to certain people. For caring so much and not realizing that you stopped caring long ago. For not seeing it sooner. For getting my heart broken so unexpectedly.
I've been a "we" so long that I have no idea who I am. I'm going out to bars and getting diet coke (since I still don't drink) just to find out if I like the atmosphere. You always told me I wouldn't so that you wouldn't have to worry about me talking to guys. You were wrong. I got my naval pierced, you know. Remember how you would never let me do anything to my body? How you claimed it as yours? I don't belong to you anymore. You don't own me anymore. I danced with a guy I didn't know last night, and it still felt like I was cheating on you. Are you feeling the same sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, wondering what I'm up to? There was hesitation in your voice when we spoke. I asked if you had missed holding me during our one-week break. You wouldn't answer. You weren't sure if you could find something better. You want to find out if you can have all the perks of a relationship with none of the responsibilities. I can tell you you won't, and if you do, it's because the girl doesn't care like I did. Like I do. But I won't care for long. I've been phasing you out day by day. I'll replace you with someone who would do half the things I've done for you. You made these bold gestures when we first started dating, but I can't remember the last selfless thing you've done for me. I haven't forgotten them, but that's the problem. I keep remembering who you used to be. I keep remembering how amazing it used to feel. How sure of myself I was. How sure of us I was. Why can't you remember who you used to be?
Thanks for the memories. Now how do I erase them?