i guess its just what im feeling
guess what? im 19! ...it doesnt feel like it. to tell you the truth, it doesnt feel like my birthday ever happened. ...long story
im still trying to understand...im trying to move on. im really really trying.
i have been on the damn computer on and off since alex left. ive checked facebook, myspace and livejournal only about a bazillion times...for no reason at all. been on and off the phone with dylan. honestly im really lonely. my family ate dinner without me tonight. didnt even call me down. i went downstairs to get a drink and glanced over to the breakfast nook while walking by. i see mom, dad, annie, shon, and john around the table having the grandest of times. i questioned them if they had tried to call me...they said they forgot. it hurts a little. im completely exhausted. my back aches like crazy. i keep questioning myself as to why i never go to bed early on nights like this. its not like im actually doing anything. after thinking about it, i have realized that i stay up because i am so done. i dread going to bed because i worry that tommorow could be worse than today has been. its pessimistic but i cant think of any other reason why i would do that. i hate it here but now that my situation has completely changed, i see no hope of leaving anytime soon. im having a hard time with the amount of change that began on my birthday. things looked so good, in my head at least...dont know about his. i felt so loved. i was so sure. then came everything at wittenberg. alex, please dont let this make you feel bad. really, i am so excited for you. its just hard...but its getting better. it makes me so happy to see you happy alex. i can see it in my head...you hear a song that reminds you of her...Austin...you glance away and smile to yourself. it makes me smile. you give me so much hope that i can find someone who thinks of me the same way. i love you boy.
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wow i just broke down completely and i dont know why.
im done with crying so damn often. its the first time in a few days but it feels like a few hours.
im done tasting the salt when my tears run down my face.
be strong....i can and i am.
ok, done crying.
heheh
now that im giggling at myself a little, i realize how disjointed my journal is. *shrug* o well. i guess it just makes me.
you know, everything really will be alright. everything will work out the way it should. its like that song...you know...bless the broken road. i have only listened to it like 50 times tonight. hahah. well i guess everything going on will just make me stronger. ive got faith. ive got hope. i can do this.
(sorry for the cheezy moment...just gotta talk myself up)
SOOOO... mr. alex. you need to call me. so there. feel priveleged that i want to talk to you...you are the only person i wanna talk to most of the time. but for real...you said you would call me back but u never did. i am sad. and i miss my camera. i uber hope it is at your house otherwise i will be crushed.
anyways. i really should go to bed pretty soon. its almost 2:00 at this point and i really need to clean my disgusting room tommorow. ok nite.
oh and alexy. if you haven't smiled at least once from how utterly nuts i am...i wanted to let you know that i almost freaking died tonight when i tried to lean back in my chair. i guess the pressure on those two screws was just too great. i almost flipped the chair over completely when the third of the 4 screws popped out and flew across my damn room. it was really quite a scene. im sorry you missed it...you would have smiled. sleep tite lover boy.
im still trying to understand...im trying to move on. im really really trying.
i have been on the damn computer on and off since alex left. ive checked facebook, myspace and livejournal only about a bazillion times...for no reason at all. been on and off the phone with dylan. honestly im really lonely. my family ate dinner without me tonight. didnt even call me down. i went downstairs to get a drink and glanced over to the breakfast nook while walking by. i see mom, dad, annie, shon, and john around the table having the grandest of times. i questioned them if they had tried to call me...they said they forgot. it hurts a little. im completely exhausted. my back aches like crazy. i keep questioning myself as to why i never go to bed early on nights like this. its not like im actually doing anything. after thinking about it, i have realized that i stay up because i am so done. i dread going to bed because i worry that tommorow could be worse than today has been. its pessimistic but i cant think of any other reason why i would do that. i hate it here but now that my situation has completely changed, i see no hope of leaving anytime soon. im having a hard time with the amount of change that began on my birthday. things looked so good, in my head at least...dont know about his. i felt so loved. i was so sure. then came everything at wittenberg. alex, please dont let this make you feel bad. really, i am so excited for you. its just hard...but its getting better. it makes me so happy to see you happy alex. i can see it in my head...you hear a song that reminds you of her...Austin...you glance away and smile to yourself. it makes me smile. you give me so much hope that i can find someone who thinks of me the same way. i love you boy.
....
.....
......
.....
....
wow i just broke down completely and i dont know why.
im done with crying so damn often. its the first time in a few days but it feels like a few hours.
im done tasting the salt when my tears run down my face.
be strong....i can and i am.
ok, done crying.
heheh
now that im giggling at myself a little, i realize how disjointed my journal is. *shrug* o well. i guess it just makes me.
you know, everything really will be alright. everything will work out the way it should. its like that song...you know...bless the broken road. i have only listened to it like 50 times tonight. hahah. well i guess everything going on will just make me stronger. ive got faith. ive got hope. i can do this.
(sorry for the cheezy moment...just gotta talk myself up)
SOOOO... mr. alex. you need to call me. so there. feel priveleged that i want to talk to you...you are the only person i wanna talk to most of the time. but for real...you said you would call me back but u never did. i am sad. and i miss my camera. i uber hope it is at your house otherwise i will be crushed.
anyways. i really should go to bed pretty soon. its almost 2:00 at this point and i really need to clean my disgusting room tommorow. ok nite.
oh and alexy. if you haven't smiled at least once from how utterly nuts i am...i wanted to let you know that i almost freaking died tonight when i tried to lean back in my chair. i guess the pressure on those two screws was just too great. i almost flipped the chair over completely when the third of the 4 screws popped out and flew across my damn room. it was really quite a scene. im sorry you missed it...you would have smiled. sleep tite lover boy.