soooooooo confused!

[iluvmonkeys88]

so i finally broke up wit deric... like 2 saturdays ago. he was like sufficating me... i just codnt take it anymore. hes mad at me cuz i didnt have the completely same feelings as he did but wutever.. i dont care. im soooooo confused! there's this guy and i really like him and have liked him for a very long time. we're really good friends and sumtimes i wonder why we're not more than friends. part of me thinks he's still caught up in sumone else but i dunno! then we have times that i feel like we're in a relationship. i mean id love to be in one with him ... i think that wud be a super big support system for both of us but i think he'd end it before it really got big...probably within the first few days. im soooo confused ... i really really like him!!! then i keep thinking bout matt... he is supposed to be comming/ moving back this weekend. but i cant help think that it was just another one of his random drunken, 3 oclock in the morning phone calls. which it was but still... i dunno wut to do. i think i shud tell him how i really feel but then again wut if that fucks me over completely, then again we cud get even closer. he tells me how great i look and how he loves my body and how good i look and all this stuff but still cant help but wonder. does he just stick around becuz of my body or does he really care for me. i just wanna no.... i just want to be loved by somebody. somebody that meets my standards, fuck wut my parents think and fuck wut everybody else thinks. i just want somebody that is good for me!!!!! i wish he really new how i felt, but then again i dont. i think it wud scare him. he might think its like other relationships hes had. DAMNIT! why cant this shit be easier. why cant i just be bold enough to talk to him and tell him? FUCK! fuck it, im just goin to keep my mouth shut about it... just like i do bout everything else!

im outty!!!

~~~~Jessica~~~~