(no subject)
well, my new red sox hat came in today. along with the sweatshirt, wristband and bumper sticker. today i became a red sox fan and i've been waiting for this championship my entire life.
note the sarcasm.
another long day. i've discovered how much i hate the world and how much i love my bed. i don't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, or listen to anyone. i don't want know what you had for dinner, where you're going at 9:30, or who you're voting for. I just want to lay down in my bed. I want to close my eyes, and sleep. i don't care for how long, 5 minutes, 2 hours, 3 days. fuck, i'll sleep forever as long as i wake up before the end of the world and can have that minute and a half of contentment. When i wake up, there is a minute and a half in which i don't think, worry, dream, calculate, watch, absorb, act, lie, work, cry, learn, talk, express, comprimise, console, eat, cut. i don't think. it is a minute and a half in which i am awake and nothing is happening. i am comfortable. i am warm. i am happy.
i don't have to interact with other people, which is complicated. other people have their own ideas, feelings, thoughts, mindset, morals, values, and opinions. i have my own. and no one wants to hear about mine. they want me to hear about theirs, and about how mine are wrong. when i express myself, they don't hear me. they hear the parts of me that are them. and nothing else. if for some reason they do hear a part of me, they instantly shut it down, and read me a 200-250 page dissertation about how i'm wrong and they're right. i instantly adapt. I hate friction. friction means less efficiency. i like to be efficient.
I am tired of adapting. I want to be myself. I want to be happy. i want to be happy the way i want to be happy. i want to have my own feelings, emtions, thoughts, ideas, values, conclusions. when i'm awake i have to adapt. i'm tired of adapting. i'm tired of being awake.
note the sarcasm.
another long day. i've discovered how much i hate the world and how much i love my bed. i don't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, or listen to anyone. i don't want know what you had for dinner, where you're going at 9:30, or who you're voting for. I just want to lay down in my bed. I want to close my eyes, and sleep. i don't care for how long, 5 minutes, 2 hours, 3 days. fuck, i'll sleep forever as long as i wake up before the end of the world and can have that minute and a half of contentment. When i wake up, there is a minute and a half in which i don't think, worry, dream, calculate, watch, absorb, act, lie, work, cry, learn, talk, express, comprimise, console, eat, cut. i don't think. it is a minute and a half in which i am awake and nothing is happening. i am comfortable. i am warm. i am happy.
i don't have to interact with other people, which is complicated. other people have their own ideas, feelings, thoughts, mindset, morals, values, and opinions. i have my own. and no one wants to hear about mine. they want me to hear about theirs, and about how mine are wrong. when i express myself, they don't hear me. they hear the parts of me that are them. and nothing else. if for some reason they do hear a part of me, they instantly shut it down, and read me a 200-250 page dissertation about how i'm wrong and they're right. i instantly adapt. I hate friction. friction means less efficiency. i like to be efficient.
I am tired of adapting. I want to be myself. I want to be happy. i want to be happy the way i want to be happy. i want to have my own feelings, emtions, thoughts, ideas, values, conclusions. when i'm awake i have to adapt. i'm tired of adapting. i'm tired of being awake.