perhaps perhaps perhaps
i suppose one of the things that confuses me the most are friendships and their abilities to change, especially in this environment. i am not the shawn who chose marist in the winter of 2003, nor am i the shawn who cried every night the first week i was here, nor am i the moguls i was that december. things are constantly changing, as are my relationships with people. everyone around has changed just as much as i, thus changing our relationships. its often extremely hard to handle these changes, however at the same time it is exciting. i meet new people everyday that (often) change my life for the better. while one is always working hard to maintain (and perhaps fix) relationships they never get boring. quite the double edged sword, eh? people who i thought we my closest friends have morphed into strangers while people i once thought (or knew) hated me, i have become the closest with (ack, sorry about the prep at the end of the sentence, i needed to be there for effect).
another bother is of course my sleeping habits(or lack thereof), though my bed is quite comfy, i can not find a position in which i can sleep, which...well, it sucks. i'm constantly exhausted (épuisé if you will) and with a mind which is constantly working overtime crunching numbers, formulating theories of time and space(as well as psychological theories), attempting to have a social life, and worries of depression (which will be spoken about shortly) i find myself to need at least 23 hours of sleep a day, where i find myself getting no more than 5. argh*sigh
i visited my counselor (therapist if you will, i think it makes me feel better to think of her as a therapist, becasue in therapy there is a light at the end of the tunnel...my idea of a counselor isn't...well, idk, but it seems like in my mind counseling is for people who don't want help while therapy is for people who know they need it. a slight difference and possibly a stupid reason to make my livejournal four lines longer but a point i felt needed to be stated nonetheless...) her name is andrea, a very pleasant woman. the moment i walked in there i felt deeply connected with her, and thoughts and emotions just flew (flowed? i'm trying to use the past tense of flow, nothing about flying, flowed sounds ungly, while flew sounds graceful, yeah, i think i'd rather use a word that i'm 99% sure is incorrect and follow it with another set of superfolous lines to explain it :o) ) [and yes...i'm going to use the adverb 'gracefully', even though i used it 5 seconds ago, continuing...] ...gracefully from my mouth to her ears with no friction whatsoever. this meeting confirmed my past ideas of a therapy helping me, and i'm glad i went. however, she does want me to visit a psychiatrist with her, because she feels that there is a great chance that i need to be on medication...i guess the biggest thing which separates me from other [hmm, noun for person who is depressed... depressive! i saw it in a movie! granted it was a french movie but none the less... depressive] ...depressives is my ability to make eye contact, have normal conversations, my understanding that i have a problem and of course, my interest in seeking help. this has made people i have spoken to i the past rule out depression and say that i was stressed and i need to calm down. for this reason i feel that i may be bipolar, i have 'good days', i know i do, and i've been having a 'good weekend' (aside for the chinese food incident...argh, so sick) which is surprising, becasue the weeks before were nothing but a sloth-like blur (beetlebum) of constant confusion, walking in circles and nothingness. i have taken a step in getting better, and in doing so, i have lifted my spirits expotentially, which i hope (but fully understand that there will be set backs, weeks without improvement, and of course, rockslides in which i will lose ground) that i will continue to get better. another thing that makes some people think i'm not depressed is my knowledge that i don't deserve to live a life where i'm scared of driving a car a night or being near dangerous [obstacles? does that work?] alone "a cause de" possible self inflicted pain [umm, in case #1: car, one might even say death]and where i can't make a decision based on what i want, however what will better the situation for others, for "it doesn't matter anyway, happiness is a fruitless search and i might as well please others, for it is easier". whoa, i have found myself on a wild tangent, however i kind of told myself i wouldn't delete anything i wrote today, so deal with it, bitchazz.
i'm going to put on a shirt.
and i'm now changing the cd from five for fighting to static age, for i just put on a static age shirt. how i love thee, taco bob (drummer to static age, hot hot hot)
i am utterly impressed with my ability to write today, i sit down with little to no motivation to write, i suppose that is one of my biggest fears of taking medication, i have lossofcreativityphobia as well as numbphbia. i don't want to turn into a person who is "plus numb que" i in my worst phase, or one that will lose all of their creativity in exchange for a gaurenteed 'natural caused' death. it seems like that simply wouldn't be worth it. whats living if there isn't the possibilty of a ridiculously random suicide. i don't mean to scare people who read this, but i'm not going to lie and say that i have not had those thoughts. for anyone who knows me, they know how i deal with problems (mine as well as others') i joke about them, in finding humor in a situation i can balance its (danger? negetiveness? something along those lines, my vocabulary is inadequate for my needs) so i apologize to anyone who i upset with my comment stated earlier (you know which i'm speaking of) but i write for me.
i'm not sure if i'm running low on 'words?' (a failed attempt to be witty, like gas) but i seem to be running out of things to say, which is probably the best thing that could ever happen to anyone reading this post. so... i guess this is shawn, or moguls for those of you who know me as nothing more than a nut who enjoys skiing, signing off...
i think i feel better now that i did 40 minutes ago, perhaps it just that my headache went away, and the frustration of not being able to sleep has passed, but eitherway... i think i feel better... p.s. i'm not reading this over, so deal with the typos.
"london bridge is safe and sound, no matter what you keep repeating, nothing's gonna[sic] drag me down to a death that's not worth cheating for..." - elliot smith
p.p.s. i couldn't help but reading it over...edited at 4:16, but its probably still pretty bad
another bother is of course my sleeping habits(or lack thereof), though my bed is quite comfy, i can not find a position in which i can sleep, which...well, it sucks. i'm constantly exhausted (épuisé if you will) and with a mind which is constantly working overtime crunching numbers, formulating theories of time and space(as well as psychological theories), attempting to have a social life, and worries of depression (which will be spoken about shortly) i find myself to need at least 23 hours of sleep a day, where i find myself getting no more than 5. argh*sigh
i visited my counselor (therapist if you will, i think it makes me feel better to think of her as a therapist, becasue in therapy there is a light at the end of the tunnel...my idea of a counselor isn't...well, idk, but it seems like in my mind counseling is for people who don't want help while therapy is for people who know they need it. a slight difference and possibly a stupid reason to make my livejournal four lines longer but a point i felt needed to be stated nonetheless...) her name is andrea, a very pleasant woman. the moment i walked in there i felt deeply connected with her, and thoughts and emotions just flew (flowed? i'm trying to use the past tense of flow, nothing about flying, flowed sounds ungly, while flew sounds graceful, yeah, i think i'd rather use a word that i'm 99% sure is incorrect and follow it with another set of superfolous lines to explain it :o) ) [and yes...i'm going to use the adverb 'gracefully', even though i used it 5 seconds ago, continuing...] ...gracefully from my mouth to her ears with no friction whatsoever. this meeting confirmed my past ideas of a therapy helping me, and i'm glad i went. however, she does want me to visit a psychiatrist with her, because she feels that there is a great chance that i need to be on medication...i guess the biggest thing which separates me from other [hmm, noun for person who is depressed... depressive! i saw it in a movie! granted it was a french movie but none the less... depressive] ...depressives is my ability to make eye contact, have normal conversations, my understanding that i have a problem and of course, my interest in seeking help. this has made people i have spoken to i the past rule out depression and say that i was stressed and i need to calm down. for this reason i feel that i may be bipolar, i have 'good days', i know i do, and i've been having a 'good weekend' (aside for the chinese food incident...argh, so sick) which is surprising, becasue the weeks before were nothing but a sloth-like blur (beetlebum) of constant confusion, walking in circles and nothingness. i have taken a step in getting better, and in doing so, i have lifted my spirits expotentially, which i hope (but fully understand that there will be set backs, weeks without improvement, and of course, rockslides in which i will lose ground) that i will continue to get better. another thing that makes some people think i'm not depressed is my knowledge that i don't deserve to live a life where i'm scared of driving a car a night or being near dangerous [obstacles? does that work?] alone "a cause de" possible self inflicted pain [umm, in case #1: car, one might even say death]and where i can't make a decision based on what i want, however what will better the situation for others, for "it doesn't matter anyway, happiness is a fruitless search and i might as well please others, for it is easier". whoa, i have found myself on a wild tangent, however i kind of told myself i wouldn't delete anything i wrote today, so deal with it, bitchazz.
i'm going to put on a shirt.
and i'm now changing the cd from five for fighting to static age, for i just put on a static age shirt. how i love thee, taco bob (drummer to static age, hot hot hot)
i am utterly impressed with my ability to write today, i sit down with little to no motivation to write, i suppose that is one of my biggest fears of taking medication, i have lossofcreativityphobia as well as numbphbia. i don't want to turn into a person who is "plus numb que" i in my worst phase, or one that will lose all of their creativity in exchange for a gaurenteed 'natural caused' death. it seems like that simply wouldn't be worth it. whats living if there isn't the possibilty of a ridiculously random suicide. i don't mean to scare people who read this, but i'm not going to lie and say that i have not had those thoughts. for anyone who knows me, they know how i deal with problems (mine as well as others') i joke about them, in finding humor in a situation i can balance its (danger? negetiveness? something along those lines, my vocabulary is inadequate for my needs) so i apologize to anyone who i upset with my comment stated earlier (you know which i'm speaking of) but i write for me.
i'm not sure if i'm running low on 'words?' (a failed attempt to be witty, like gas) but i seem to be running out of things to say, which is probably the best thing that could ever happen to anyone reading this post. so... i guess this is shawn, or moguls for those of you who know me as nothing more than a nut who enjoys skiing, signing off...
i think i feel better now that i did 40 minutes ago, perhaps it just that my headache went away, and the frustration of not being able to sleep has passed, but eitherway... i think i feel better... p.s. i'm not reading this over, so deal with the typos.
"london bridge is safe and sound, no matter what you keep repeating, nothing's gonna[sic] drag me down to a death that's not worth cheating for..." - elliot smith
p.p.s. i couldn't help but reading it over...edited at 4:16, but its probably still pretty bad