I'll Love You Forever Part 1

[iluvmaddentwins]

Title: I'll Love You Forever (i know the title sux) Part 1

Rating: Uh...PG-13

Summery: Joel is the new kid at school and has no friends. Until he meets Benji, a guy who Joel meets and they become friends. Then they both discover they're gay and take their "friend releationship" to a whole new level.

Fandom: Good Charlotte

Pairing: The twincest

Comments

Huh?

[fucking_lovatos]

Okay, I really don't want to sound like a bitch here, but I have a few suggestions for you.

It's a good story, it really is, but since the paragraphs are so long it's kinda hard to follow along sometimes. Maybe make them smaller so it's easier to read.

And when you do quotations you should put them before and after what they say. Like if you were to write, Then Joel said, "Dude, are those my socks?" You should show where he stops speaking.

You also should probably re-read it a few times before posting so you can catch punctuation errors, like not putting in question marks. Or get a beta to do that for you:)

One more thing you might find helpful is that when you change from having Joel or Matt speak start a new paragraph. Like in this part:

"No, said Joel. "Joel it's right there where my hand is, said Benji, pointing. "I don't see it, said Joel. "Look harder, said Benji. "Okay, said Joel, looking harder, not seeing Benji's smirk. "See it now, said Benji, trying not to giggle. "No, said Joel. "Well it's right here, said Benji, nailing Joel right in the face with water.

Joel starts speaking at first, then it just abruptly changes to Benji, and it doesn't quite make sense. I had to re-read it a few times to figure it out.

You're also not putting in the quotations after someone speaks so it makes it kinda confusing, and then add to that the fact you have two or more people all talking in one paragraph, it's just hard to read.

And when having a conversation between two people, after the first few sentances you don't really have to have "said Benji," or "Said Joel" after everything that's being said, it gets redundent after a while.

Now it's really not my intention to hurt your feelings or anything, I'm not trying to be the bitch, so don't take it the wrong way. Just some advice, whether or not you listen to it is your choice.

And seriously, I have to agree with xneonmoonx, it's cool that you added me, but who are you? Not to sound like an even bigger bitch than I already do. I was just wondering where you found me:)