You can't always get what you want........
I feel like I'm stuck in a rut I can't get out of. Besides the fact that I can't sleep at all and I feel like I'm going to piss my pants every 5 minutes, I feel like I'm running in a never ending circle. I don't expect things to be perfect, or exactly the way that I want them, but I will put as much effort into obtaining that as I can. I just am done trying to get the things that I need when it really does me no good. Support without provacation is what I would like. I don't feel that you should always have to ask for support, whether emotional or physical. People who know you and love you should be able to see where you could use some help and just do it. No, people are not mindreaders, and I don't claim to be one either, but I know when people need help, even when they're too stubborn to ask for it. I shouldn't have to provoke an argument in order to get my point across and that's exactly how life goes these days. Either way I go, I'm screwed. If I throw a fit like an ass, then I'm accused of over-reacting and made to feel like shit. If I try to be calm about it and "suggest" rather than yell, the shit doesn't get done anyway. So, what am I supposed to do? I learned a long time ago that you can't rely on other people for your own happiness. You have to make yourself happy---doing things, accomplishing tasks and pursuing your goals are entirely up to you. No one can help with that. But, you can't do all that without a backup of support from your "team". Your parents, friends, significant others are all there for that purpose. I have never relied so much on another person as I have found myself doing now and I can't help but hate myself a little bit for that. Am I spoiled? Probably. I grew up with a VERY supportive family and circle of friends. Did I ALWAYS get my own way? Hell no. But when people saw that things were important to me, they tried to help me get them. They didn't dig their heels in and say Tough Shit--I don't care what YOU want, I'm gonna do what I want. That's selfish and immature. I will not do everything on my own and if I have to, then why shouldn't I just be on my own? I can live with myself. I'm not entirely happy with myself all the time and I surely don't need to be reminded of my faults on a daily basis. I'm a very emotional person; I'm very sensitive about certain things. I don't want to hear about how "hot" another girl is, or how you would "f**k" her when I'm as big as a friggin' house and only on the way to getting bigger. That's the most insensitive attitude I have ever seen. I try to do little things to show my appreciation for things that are done, that I didn't have to throw a damn fit to get. And that gets me nowhere. I don't get anything in return, but words. Followed by conversations that end up making me feel worse than I already do. I'm nervous as all hell right now about being a good mother and setting a good example for my son as to how a woman should be treated. I'm just not so sure that I'm in a good position to be either one to him right now. Instead of feeling more secure in everything that is going on, I feel more and more confused and lost and lonely than I ever have. This is just not at all how I want to feel for the rest of my life. Things have got to change.
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