taranae's life

[iluvflex]

so, after a long talk with casey and erin..mostly erin because casey had to go home..i have decided that it is way past due that my life change. i am not going to let my parents, especially my father, dictate how i live or what i do. i am going to start doing things for myself and that make me happy and as if i am living how i want to be. for so long now i have felt as though there is a void and nothing to fill it so from now on i am just going to do what i want. i will still respect them and try to abide by their rules of course...i mean i know that i am not going to change completely, but i am not going to put up will bullshit rules and double standards anymore. i am not going to tolerate being put, what i feel is, at a standard below pari or anybody else. i want the same rights and privileges as everybody else. it's simply not fair, especially because i have worked my whole life to make them happy and it seems that nothing i do works. my mom is perfectly fine, for the most part she is understanding and supportive, but there are some times when she just makes me feel like shit. my dad does most things out of love, and he doesn't really know what it's like to grow up here..which results in a lot of misunderstandings and arguments but it could be a lot worse. that is what has kept me from trying to change it in the past. my parents really aren't that bad. they have sacrificed so much to make my siblings and me happy...to ensure that we live a life they weren't able to. i mean my father has worked so hard so that he could be sure we didn't have wo worry about anything. i am actually very lucky when it comes to my parents...we could be living in some terrible place and i never see either of them but i guess when i look at where we are and everybody elese's relationships with their parents it makes it hard for me to appreciate that. i feel as though they should trust me more and trust that they raised me well enough to know that i am not going to fuck up and that i am not that bad of a kid. after all, i think the most deceitful thing i've ever done was tonight and it was the first time i didn't feel terrible guilty afterwards...although i was sooo nervous during. but i guess thats how we get back to me taking more chances and doing what i want to do...it is my life after all and it would be a waste for me to live by their rules simply because i don't want to disappoint my parents or i am afraid of setting a bad example for my brothers. i am just going to have to toss that all aside. it will take time, i know this, and people will have to bear with me...but at least i will be making an effort. which is more than i can say for the past.

and while i am tossing aside my doubts and reservations about life i will be tossing those people who i feel are keeping me down. it isn't fair for me to always try to please others and be cautious of their feelings...i'm done with it. if they feel that they want to take the time out of their day to be my friend than that is excellent..but i am through making the effor and feeling hurt. as far as i am concerned i am a fairly good friend and have done nothing but give of myself to others in an attempt to make them happy and to make sure that they are having a good time. so as far as i am concerned those people who are too selfish to deal with others or approach them in an mature manner can simply go away. i am through with the pettiness and childlike behavior. i simply do not hav the time or the patience for it. ...to those friends who feel that i am inconvienced by them..that isn't true. and i really just dont know how to put it into words but i really do enjoy spending time with you. im sure it relate to the not wanting to dissappoint my parents or inconvenience them which i've explained to anybody who knows me before...but really, i do love you all and will work on being a better friend. i will try to be more fun and less hesitant in my plans and activities...if that is interpreted as i wanted it or not i do not know..but hopefully people understood me fairly clearly. i am not going to worry about getting into an argument with whoever for what i do..i am simply going to do it and face the consequences later...if there is a problem, i will deal with it as it comes but that is all i can do. i would really like to go out and take chances and do things that i was hesitant about before for whatever reason and i would love to spend more time with you all. i think a lot of the problem is that i am so stuck in worrying about the future and what will come of what i do know that i don't live my life as i want to but rather that i live it as i feel is appropriate for what i want to do later on...so basically i live as i feel is appropriate for my future self rather than my current self..which i know is making me unhappy and i hope to change this summer. i will no longer let my inhibitions keep me down or worry about what others will think...i will try to disregard my insecurities about various things and just live. hopefully everything will fall into place ..and if not, then i don't know what i will do but ill deal with that when the time comes.

i hope that by changing my life and how i live i will become a better and happier person but i guess we shall see. if all that makes sense to you than great.. if not then oh well. we shall see what happens from here on out...hopefully the change will be for the positive..hopefully the change actually occurs. i guess that's it...work tomorrow..goodnight