(no subject)
So this trip has made me realize a lot. I discovered that my own dad can't spell my real name, thought i wanted to be a vet when for the last 10 years of my life i've wanted to be either a doctor or a lawyer, and that he really doesn't know shit about me. I'm not sure if this bothers me or not. It does but at the same time it's good that he doesnt know me and i don't know him because strangers can't hurt you, right? Emotionally I mean. Forgive me if this entry is depressing, because truth be told Im not depressed. Not like last Christmas. I've realized how much my friends mean to me. For the past week I keep dreaming that my dad dies in several different ways and im not sad about it. That makes me feel like a shitty daughter but at the same time, he is a shitty dad so i guess we're even. I don't even have anything to say to him anymore. When I'm with him awkward silence surrounds us. It's like my brain just stops working. I can't even bring myself to say something lame about the weather or the plans for the day. It's like the space between us grows into this enormous wall that I don't even want to climb anymore. I guess all I can say is that he destroyed this relationship, not me. That's probably the most reassuring thing I can think of. But I want to fix it. That's what I dont understand. I want to be able to talk to him. There's moments when I think, maybe, just maybe, it will be like that sometime. And sometimes he's very endearing. I just dont know what to do anymore. I just want to run away and not have to deal with this.