(no subject)
I've been crying over my relationship for the past few days.
Why? Maybe it's a couple of things. Disappointment, drop in expectations, insecurity and such?
Well...I have a feeling most of the time it's disappointment.
It started when I realised I said hurtful things to my bf the other day...Mentioned that he is at last buying something for me rather than me paying for myself always. Guess that made him feel a bit uneasy, or even so, hurt. And I don't know why, seeing that hurt look, I got incredibly sad too. Sad for making him sad. I know he doesn't have an income now, so I can't possibly expect him to pay for my stuffs. But just his words...it triggered me to say such stuffs...later on he was like... 'I pay for your prawn ball' and accepted no ifs or buts. Haii....
After that, I realised that there is something really wrong...I tried to tell him..or at the very least, hint him. Because I don't know what exactly is wrong but I still think that there is something wrong. Sigh... Anyway after that episode...we didn't meet until yesterday. And in the midst of stuffs...well, happier stuffs happened anyway. I passed all my papers! That's a real good consolation for me. But other than that...I fell down and scrapped my knee. And then I had extremely severe stomach cramps that made me almost passed out from all that pain. Felt weak all over. It's not a good feeling at all...
I guess I am quite emotional nowadays...that's why...I cry myself to sleep every night...by right people in love should not encounter such stuffs right? I don't know...whether am I disappointed at myself for being such a lousy gf, or is it that I am disappointed at him for being a lousy bf. Well..he was better in the past...I guess as time goes by things change..humans change...Just feeling this sort of incredible sadness...I don't know. It's really just me, I guess...can't be anyone else right? There's no third party involved.
Let me see....I just feel like I am not getting to him...it's like, no matter how much we talk or communicate, I still find that I don't know him as a person at all. Then I guess I am somewhat disappointed. First he's so interested in his game...and then secondly he doesn't seem to care about me anymore. Last time he will drop occassional messages telling me what he's been doing and such...now he doesn't. We can go on for a whole day without messaging each other. I guess it will mean nothing to him either. Maybe things are supposed to happen this way...coupledom is just..like this. None of those sweet stuffs I always imagined before. It's just...like this...first month there's the passion for each other and such, but plunging into 2nd month, it depends. My mentality is that if he can't bother now, he probably won't in the future. And this is probably not what I am looking for in a bf. I want a guy that bothers to bother, whether it's 1 month, 1 year...10 years... He used to care more in the past. Now it simply feels like heck-care.
Maybe it's just my cynical thoughts returning. In fact thinking about it I guess it never really disappeared. Have been a cynic of love, always been. Recent events just seems to proves me right. Somehow, I guess the idea of love is quite different from reality love. My ideal love is more of the caring for each other, spending happy times together. Right now every time I go out with him I have absolutely no idea why we are out. And it seems that every time we meet up it's just for the kinkying part. Making out...kissing and hugging and what-nots. Seems like there's no communication or whatsoever in this sense.
I am disappointed in love...I guess...
ilusion and her disillusioned thoughts as usual
Why? Maybe it's a couple of things. Disappointment, drop in expectations, insecurity and such?
Well...I have a feeling most of the time it's disappointment.
It started when I realised I said hurtful things to my bf the other day...Mentioned that he is at last buying something for me rather than me paying for myself always. Guess that made him feel a bit uneasy, or even so, hurt. And I don't know why, seeing that hurt look, I got incredibly sad too. Sad for making him sad. I know he doesn't have an income now, so I can't possibly expect him to pay for my stuffs. But just his words...it triggered me to say such stuffs...later on he was like... 'I pay for your prawn ball' and accepted no ifs or buts. Haii....
After that, I realised that there is something really wrong...I tried to tell him..or at the very least, hint him. Because I don't know what exactly is wrong but I still think that there is something wrong. Sigh... Anyway after that episode...we didn't meet until yesterday. And in the midst of stuffs...well, happier stuffs happened anyway. I passed all my papers! That's a real good consolation for me. But other than that...I fell down and scrapped my knee. And then I had extremely severe stomach cramps that made me almost passed out from all that pain. Felt weak all over. It's not a good feeling at all...
I guess I am quite emotional nowadays...that's why...I cry myself to sleep every night...by right people in love should not encounter such stuffs right? I don't know...whether am I disappointed at myself for being such a lousy gf, or is it that I am disappointed at him for being a lousy bf. Well..he was better in the past...I guess as time goes by things change..humans change...Just feeling this sort of incredible sadness...I don't know. It's really just me, I guess...can't be anyone else right? There's no third party involved.
Let me see....I just feel like I am not getting to him...it's like, no matter how much we talk or communicate, I still find that I don't know him as a person at all. Then I guess I am somewhat disappointed. First he's so interested in his game...and then secondly he doesn't seem to care about me anymore. Last time he will drop occassional messages telling me what he's been doing and such...now he doesn't. We can go on for a whole day without messaging each other. I guess it will mean nothing to him either. Maybe things are supposed to happen this way...coupledom is just..like this. None of those sweet stuffs I always imagined before. It's just...like this...first month there's the passion for each other and such, but plunging into 2nd month, it depends. My mentality is that if he can't bother now, he probably won't in the future. And this is probably not what I am looking for in a bf. I want a guy that bothers to bother, whether it's 1 month, 1 year...10 years... He used to care more in the past. Now it simply feels like heck-care.
Maybe it's just my cynical thoughts returning. In fact thinking about it I guess it never really disappeared. Have been a cynic of love, always been. Recent events just seems to proves me right. Somehow, I guess the idea of love is quite different from reality love. My ideal love is more of the caring for each other, spending happy times together. Right now every time I go out with him I have absolutely no idea why we are out. And it seems that every time we meet up it's just for the kinkying part. Making out...kissing and hugging and what-nots. Seems like there's no communication or whatsoever in this sense.
I am disappointed in love...I guess...
ilusion and her disillusioned thoughts as usual