Clock Slips Life Away
I keep losing track of time. It's like I've been dropped into an alternate dimension where each hour takes about ten minutes. I lost most of last week like that. And it's not even like I'm doing anything. It's that I'm doing nothing much, and suddenly the days are gone and I don't have any time left. I can't concentrate on anything I'm supposed to do worth a damn, and even on the things I want to concentrate on but don't particularly need to do, my attention keeps drifting away.
I need to focus. I need to get started doing my research for my essays. I need to do homework, write essays and pieces for my classes, I need to do more things. I just don't have the energy or the strength of will to do it. My sleep pattern is fucked up. Again. I keep napping during the day, which keeps me up until at least two in the morning even on week nights when I have early classes and am trying to go to bed early so I have the energy to make it through the day without another nap. I've managed to go most of the weekend without seeing or speaking to Stuart.
Skipped Religion on Thursday so I could finish an assignment, ended up falling asleep and trying to throw it together in the last forty-five minutes before class that afternoon. I spent all Friday in bed, pretty much, nauseous, and just not caring enough to get up to get Pepto-Bismol or painkillers, something to tamp it back down. Woke up early due to three different phone calls, the first the wrong number that woke me to begin with, almost immediately afterwards my sister, and then Holly. And then I slept until four in the afternoon, basically. I have the sneaking suspicion I might have been supposed to go to a meeting at the writing centre, but even if I was, I felt too much like crap to have been able to sit through one.
Haven't been eating much lately, either, though except for Friday I haven't been nauseous. I just don't really feel like it. There hasn't really been much to give my days rhythm, so why are they slipping by so quickly?
My parents want to come up this coming weekend or the weekend after, either to see my band concert or my flute recital, and I don't really want them to. This coming weekend is obvious; it's also JAF. I don't want to mix that up with my parents' visit, because I'll end up doing all one or all the other, and I'm supposed to be working at least four shifts of shows there this year, even if neither Tracy nor Jayde can make it and be here to take up guest space and time that would otherwise go to my parents. I wish they could, even if I'm probably still going to be a bit of a mess. Jayde was saying back in January that she probably couldn't make it because of finals/teaching/whatever the hell else is going on, so at least I had that warning, but Tracy had better fricking let me know well before Thursday what she can do and if she's even able to come so I can make those plans and my parents don't get pissed at me. I know it's not her fault because the lab's got the audit coming up and they have work that they may/may not need her to do, but still. But next weekend, I don't have that excuse. I just don't really want to see my parents and I don't know why.
I need to clean my room. Stuff is disappearing in the morass, some of it important. I need to do laundry. I need to get really active on finding a room mate, or a new place to live if one doesn't turn up, because Stuart sure as hell isn't giving me any damn help or even letting me know what the hell he wants to do next year, and since the rent's gone up, I sure as hell can't afford to pay half the rent on the place this summer once Holly stops paying her share. I need to resist the urge to scream at people. I need to get enough of a hold on the passing time to actually call Grandma before it gets too late in the day and just let her know I'm thinking of her. I need to get down to the library and get out the books for my Religion essay, and I need to actually figure out what the topic for my final essay for Roxanne's class is, especially since I think the first draft is due tomorrow morning.
...Yeah, it's not happening. I'm really tempted to skip and sleep in and try to come up with something for Thursday (like that will actually happen either). I need to finish my creative writing piece (what in god's name possessed me to start writing a damn novella when I can't even keep up with the other writing I'm supposed to be doing?). I need to get started on my research for the writing centre. I need to stop crying at random times for no obvious reason. I've been trying meditation, but I think that might be part of the problem with me losing track of time, and I've been dozing off doing so because I need sleep that I haven't been able to get at night, and waking up going oh shit I slept for two hours when I was supposed to be trying to start doing homework. And I need to actually bother to eat.
None of it's getting done although I'm doing my damnedest to stay motivated.
Now I'm jealous of Erin. She called me Friday morning panicking a little because she'd finally realized that she doesn't really want to finish her degree yet because she doesn't actually know what she wants to do with it. What she wants to do is spend that year on a volunteer program here - Katemavik, is what she's trying to get into. She's been thinking about doing something like this since grade ten, but she was worrying that Mom and Dad would freak out and be disappointed in her if she didn't end up finishing school. She really doesn't like to do things without their approval.
I told her that Mom and Dad would probably just be happy she was taking time to think about what she wanted instead of deciding halfway through next September that she didn't want to be in school any more, or finishing her degree anyways and then having to slog through another god-knows-how-many years of school until she found something she wanted. And apparently that was dead on, because Erin talked to them on Sunday about this and she's already making plans and appointments to get all her paperwork together and do this. I'm happy she's happy and excited about this. But dammit, I wish I had a backup plan like that I could go to.
...Well, writing that entry wasted another good hour.
Now what?
I need to focus. I need to get started doing my research for my essays. I need to do homework, write essays and pieces for my classes, I need to do more things. I just don't have the energy or the strength of will to do it. My sleep pattern is fucked up. Again. I keep napping during the day, which keeps me up until at least two in the morning even on week nights when I have early classes and am trying to go to bed early so I have the energy to make it through the day without another nap. I've managed to go most of the weekend without seeing or speaking to Stuart.
Skipped Religion on Thursday so I could finish an assignment, ended up falling asleep and trying to throw it together in the last forty-five minutes before class that afternoon. I spent all Friday in bed, pretty much, nauseous, and just not caring enough to get up to get Pepto-Bismol or painkillers, something to tamp it back down. Woke up early due to three different phone calls, the first the wrong number that woke me to begin with, almost immediately afterwards my sister, and then Holly. And then I slept until four in the afternoon, basically. I have the sneaking suspicion I might have been supposed to go to a meeting at the writing centre, but even if I was, I felt too much like crap to have been able to sit through one.
Haven't been eating much lately, either, though except for Friday I haven't been nauseous. I just don't really feel like it. There hasn't really been much to give my days rhythm, so why are they slipping by so quickly?
My parents want to come up this coming weekend or the weekend after, either to see my band concert or my flute recital, and I don't really want them to. This coming weekend is obvious; it's also JAF. I don't want to mix that up with my parents' visit, because I'll end up doing all one or all the other, and I'm supposed to be working at least four shifts of shows there this year, even if neither Tracy nor Jayde can make it and be here to take up guest space and time that would otherwise go to my parents. I wish they could, even if I'm probably still going to be a bit of a mess. Jayde was saying back in January that she probably couldn't make it because of finals/teaching/whatever the hell else is going on, so at least I had that warning, but Tracy had better fricking let me know well before Thursday what she can do and if she's even able to come so I can make those plans and my parents don't get pissed at me. I know it's not her fault because the lab's got the audit coming up and they have work that they may/may not need her to do, but still. But next weekend, I don't have that excuse. I just don't really want to see my parents and I don't know why.
I need to clean my room. Stuff is disappearing in the morass, some of it important. I need to do laundry. I need to get really active on finding a room mate, or a new place to live if one doesn't turn up, because Stuart sure as hell isn't giving me any damn help or even letting me know what the hell he wants to do next year, and since the rent's gone up, I sure as hell can't afford to pay half the rent on the place this summer once Holly stops paying her share. I need to resist the urge to scream at people. I need to get enough of a hold on the passing time to actually call Grandma before it gets too late in the day and just let her know I'm thinking of her. I need to get down to the library and get out the books for my Religion essay, and I need to actually figure out what the topic for my final essay for Roxanne's class is, especially since I think the first draft is due tomorrow morning.
...Yeah, it's not happening. I'm really tempted to skip and sleep in and try to come up with something for Thursday (like that will actually happen either). I need to finish my creative writing piece (what in god's name possessed me to start writing a damn novella when I can't even keep up with the other writing I'm supposed to be doing?). I need to get started on my research for the writing centre. I need to stop crying at random times for no obvious reason. I've been trying meditation, but I think that might be part of the problem with me losing track of time, and I've been dozing off doing so because I need sleep that I haven't been able to get at night, and waking up going oh shit I slept for two hours when I was supposed to be trying to start doing homework. And I need to actually bother to eat.
None of it's getting done although I'm doing my damnedest to stay motivated.
Now I'm jealous of Erin. She called me Friday morning panicking a little because she'd finally realized that she doesn't really want to finish her degree yet because she doesn't actually know what she wants to do with it. What she wants to do is spend that year on a volunteer program here - Katemavik, is what she's trying to get into. She's been thinking about doing something like this since grade ten, but she was worrying that Mom and Dad would freak out and be disappointed in her if she didn't end up finishing school. She really doesn't like to do things without their approval.
I told her that Mom and Dad would probably just be happy she was taking time to think about what she wanted instead of deciding halfway through next September that she didn't want to be in school any more, or finishing her degree anyways and then having to slog through another god-knows-how-many years of school until she found something she wanted. And apparently that was dead on, because Erin talked to them on Sunday about this and she's already making plans and appointments to get all her paperwork together and do this. I'm happy she's happy and excited about this. But dammit, I wish I had a backup plan like that I could go to.
...Well, writing that entry wasted another good hour.
Now what?