brain damage
hmm.. i wonder if i'm over mayday already. i just don't know what to think about the whole thing. and i have no idea what i thought back then. nothing, apparently. so, i kissed two guys. and yes, in case you're wondering, this is a big deal for me. i've tried to think what made me do it, but i can't come up with anything. i'm gay, i've known since i was 13 that men do nothing for me. well, at least now i know that for sure, i felt absolutely nothing. i was drunk. that's the only part-reason i can think of. i was totally out of control, and didn't think straight (pardon the pun). well, of course, now that i have said i can't think any reasons i start to find them. the desire to feel wanted. the need to show others that i can do this as well as you. some mystical craving to prove myself, don't know to whom, though. and a reason or two i'm not going to tell you. the boys were just devices in pursuing my goals. and i have to admit that i kind of enjoyed it. not the kissing part, but the whole feeling of accomplishing something and the unlimited power i had over the guys. i was a cruel user. i made them buy me drinks and let them think they could get something of me. their brains were situated somewhere in the waist area, the other one said he wanted to leave from the bar with me. and i felt so good. i couldn't help thinking that i was the one who made him feel that way, he wants me, i'm a goddess. in some point, the rational part of my brain finally kicked in and i realised i had gotten all the endorphin i wanted to get from that guy. and i left him. don't know if i should feel at least a bit bad about it, but actually, i couldn't care less. he was fun and i got the self-esteem boost that i needed, but that's all. i want nothing more with him, or any other guy for that matter. okay, now i've dealt with this to some extent, maybe my mind gets some rest. and next time, not so much alcohol for me.