then we kiss
title: then we kiss
pairing: baekyeol, xiuhan if you squint
rating: r
genre: romance, angst
warnings: alcohol use, slight internal homophobia
summary: chanyeol and baekhyun measure their love in christmases.
a/n: this is my first ever fic that i ever publish or write ever! it was inspired entirely by miracles in december :/ thank you to my lovely sara for editing this and kaylee for just editing and helping me and sitting with me while i talked about it nonstop. also for being the reason it even happened!! thank u romina for reading it and also steph and erica!! i love all of u. the song in the car scene is airplane by f(x) and if you wanna listen to the mix that accompanies the fic it is right here. thank you for reading!
The First Christmas
They met the Christmas Eve both of them were ten.
As guests flooded into the warm house, pulling off their icy jackets and hanging them up, four boys were grouped and isolated with kisses on the forehead and demands to be nice.
In the likeness of youth, two hours later they were on the floor laughing as if this wasn’t the first time they had met.
“I can’t wait to see what Santa brought this year,” Chanyeol said through a mouthful of graham crackers with string cheese while he prepared another. A nervous silence settled over the room.
“Uh, Chanyeol, Santa’s not-”
“Gonna bring you any presents if you keep wondering,” Minseok interjected loudly, widening his eyes at Baekhyun in warning. He exchanged looks with both Luhan and Minseok and then groaned into his hand.
***
At the table, adults and children were segregated. Chanyeol and Baekhyun sat next to each other facing Minseok and Luhan and for once, Baekhyun didn’t feel completely bored at Christmas dinner.
Ten minutes later, Chanyeol’s plate was already empty and he was scraping the remains of his food of off it. Baekhyun, the slowest eater due to his picky habits, had almost an entire plateful, although you couldn’t tell what exactly was going to be eaten.
“Are you going to eat that?” Chanyeol asked, already reaching his fork out and poking the piece of ham. Baekhyun mumbled through a full mouth and Chanyeol grinned widely.
“Thanks Baekhyunnie!”
Baekhyun groaned loudly and let his head fall back. As he watched Chanyeol perkily eat his stolen food, he considered that even though he was complaining, he didn’t remember ever being this happy.
The Fifth Christmas
The first time they kissed they were fourteen.
It was Christmas Day, technically, at one in the morning. Chanyeol and Baekhyun were facing each other on the couch, legs tangled together. Chanyeol glared at Baekhyun coldly before reaching behind him to play with the branches of the Christmas tree.
“He’s not gonna show up, you know. Santa’s not real.”
Chanyeol pulled at a branch roughly and let go, nearly making the ornament on it fall.
“That’s not true, he’s real.”
“We’re fourteen, will you give it up already?”
Chanyeol stuck his tongue out in response.
Outside the trees ruffled in the winter gust and crickets filled the silence between them. They had both just started high school this year, and so far the easiest part was the school work. This year, girls and boys had started kissing in the hallways and relationships were flourishing across their class. It made Baekhyun nervous, but more than that it made him curious.
“Have you ever kissed anyone?”
Chanyeol scoffed. “Yeah, I’ve kissed like, a million girls.”
Baekhyun’s hands flew to his mouth, stifling a loud laugh.
“What?! It’s true!”
“Yeah, right. I’m always with you and I’ve never even seen you hold hands with a girl.”
“Oh yeah?” he pouted, “I have too kissed girls, and I can prove it!”
Baekhyun rolled his eyes so far back he was pretty sure he managed to catch a peek of his brain before challenging, “How are you going to prove that?”
Before Baekhyun could figure out what was happening, Chanyeol was on his knees and leaning over. His lips were soft and a little wet, and they tasted like the candy cane they had shared earlier. The kiss lasted only a couple of seconds and when it ended Chanyeol leaned back, smug grin sliding across his face.
“If I’d never kissed anyone, would I be able to do that?”
Baekhyun was almost positive the world stopped turning.
That Christmas, Baekhyun got his first kiss and Chanyeol cried through Christmas Day after watching his parents tiptoe downstairs with armfuls of presents addressed from “Santa.”
The Seventh Christmas
They fell in love the Christmas they were sixteen. Chanyeol had just gotten a car and a shiny new license.
Baekhyun scrunched his face at the rusty junk Chanyeol dared to call a car.
“Well,” he stood in front of it, eyes twinkling with pride, “what do you think? My parents said if I managed to make one B this semester they’d get me a car when I got my license!”
Baekhyun cringed at the excitement in his voice. He knew his parents probably hadn’t actually counted on Chanyeol getting the B. They probably only joked about getting him a car in a “when pigs fly” way. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to dampen the boy’s spirits, so he slapped on the biggest smile he could, and managed to look amazed and impressed for Chanyeol.
Later that night, at the dinner table, Baekhyun felt his phone vibrate in his pocket.
‘The bald eagle will land tonight?’
The text made his eyes roll and then immediately laugh. He remembered when Chanyeol had decided they should have a “secret code” for sneaking out, just in case their parents looked through their phones. He texted back, still laughing.
Baekhyun waited until late that night to quietly slip out of his house. On Christmas Eve, he thought ashamedly. He walked the two blocks to Chanyeol’s house and waited outside after texting him. Within a couple of minutes a small, goofy face poked from the window on the second floor. It retreated and was followed by two long legs and an entire skinny body attached. Baekhyun gasped, a little louder than expected, watching Chanyeol dangling from the edge of the window. His fingers let go and Baekhyun closed his eyes to avoid watching his best friend’s inevitable demise, but when he opened them up again all he saw was a wide-grinned boy waving a set of keys wildly.
He stuck the key in the handle.
“Let’s take this baby for a ride.”
With another roll of his eyes, Baekhyun yanked the door open.
***
They drove down the highway, Airplane crackling from the old speakers, wind pushing Baekhyun’s hair down flat.
Chanyeol had a goofy, borderline euphoric grin on his face as he steered them in circles around dark, empty backstreets of town. Baekhyun examined the way the tendons on his neck stretched when he smiled and laughed so wide it looked like his face would rip in two, the way he reached his hand up to muss up the hair that was already misplacing itself in the breeze. When his faced relaxed, his lips were plump and a little dry because of the winter cold.
Chanyeol turned his head to Baekhyun, who jumped back slightly, feeling as if he has been caught red-handed.
“What are you looking at, huh?” Chanyeol threatened mockingly. He reached his hands out and lovingly slapped his cheek. Baekhyun felt all his blood rush to his face and turned to the darkness outside the window. He thought of telling Chanyeol that he was looking at him, hoping he’d be there every morning for the rest of his life. He toyed with telling him that he hoped neither of them would ever feel nostalgic because each day would be better than the last.
“Obviously nothing important, dumbass.”
They fell in love the Christmas they were sixteen; but only Baekhyun noticed.
The Ninth Christmas
The Christmas they were eighteen, Luhan’s parents went out of town for the holidays. He had to stay behind to keep working before going off to college that summer. One day into Luhan’s newfound freedom, Chanyeol was already suggesting a party, tripping over his words to talk about the kinds of drinks they should get before Luhan even had a chance to agree.
The day of the party Chanyeol showed up wearing a ridiculous, furry hat with two dangling poms on either side and a set of ears decorating the top. He came in holding bags of rum, vodka, and whiskey, all cheap and foul-smelling.
Minseok’s eyes widened when he saw the drinks.
“Whoa, Chanyeol, how did y-”
Chanyeol shifted the bags to one hand and placed a finger on Minseok’s lips, shushing him.
“Don’t worry about it.”
They should’ve known better than to question anything Chanyeol did, but the curiosity just never subsided. Minseok just shrugged and started happily pulling bottles and handles out of the bags, smiling wide and mixing drinks.
Luhan walked over to Minseok’s side, his fingers reaching for the loose fabric of his pants, and he looked at him with big, scared eyes which relaxed and softened once they met Minseok’s. Luhan leaned in and Chanyeol looked away.
***
When Baekhyun showed up, Chanyeol was three rum and cokes into the night. He looked at him and noticed, for the first time, the way his collarbones protruded underneath his skin. Baekhyun spotted him and beamed, turning and grabbing a drink from Minseok’s hand before making his way over to him and placing a hand on his shoulder. The skin under his touch, despite the fabric between them, felt hot. He hoped Baekhyun wouldn’t notice the blush on his cheeks since his face was already happy and red from the alcohol, but when he looked up to check, Baekhyun’s head was tilted back, chugging the drink Minseok had given him. Chanyeol tried not to stare at the length of his neck and, while licking his lips, tried to suppress thoughts he knew weren’t appropriate to think about your best friend.
He tried to talk but his throat was dry with something he couldn’t quite put a name on, just knew it was pooling near his stomach, maybe a little lower--
“Let’s dance,” Baekhyun suggested, though he wasn’t really suggesting it since he was already dragging Chanyeol away from their corner before he could finish his thought and swallow enough to regain his ability to speak.
***
“I’ll be right back,” Chanyeol announced, standing up during a particularly blurry game of Ring of Fire and walking around the corner to the guest bathroom.
As he reached out for the handle, the door swung open and Chanyeol found himself far too close to Baekhyun. The distance was almost uncomfortable, until the alcohol rushed back to his head and he was staring at Baekhyun’s lips.
Without really thinking, and before Baekhyun could speak, he tangled his fingers in the boy’s hair and shoved both their bodies into the bathroom, sloppily kicking the door closed behind them. He felt Baekhyun’s nose against his and their hot breath mixed in the empty space. Before he could regret it, before he could clear his mind long enough to know what he was doing, he dove in, kissing Baekhyun and sliding his leg between his thighs. He felt a soft vibration on his lips and for a second he was afraid Baekhyun was protesting but then his arms wrapped around him, pulling him closer, and his kisses became increasingly more desperate and needy.
Chanyeol didn’t know how long they were there for, only felt hands sliding up his sides and his fingers tangled in Baekhyun’s hair, before there was a knock on the door. He jolted back and pulled the door open, maintaining a straight face as he nodded his head at the pretty girl on the other side. Baekhyun walked after him, but no one thought anything of it, probably because they were all too drunk to care.
Back at the table for Ring of Fire, Baekhyun took the seat next to him and Chanyeol hooked his ankle around Baekhyun’s. They sat like that through the rest of party, Chanyeol trying to divert his thoughts from angelic lips and warm skin under his fingers.
***
As the party wound down, Baekhyun and Chanyeol decided to head home together. They said bye to Luhan, who waved lazily without taking his eyes off of Minseok for a second.
They walked in silence most of the way, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. It was one heavy with years of friendship and buzzing with remnants of alcohol. When they got to the street where they usually part ways, they stood there, looking at each other in the dim glow of the street light.
“Can I--” Baekhyun hesitated slightly but his eyes got dark and his cheeks flushed red, “Can I spend the night?”
Chanyeol knew Baekhyun, knew his parents, and when he looked at his phone and read 2:28am and realized that, technically, it is now Christmas Eve, he knew they would be upset to wake up and find their son out of the house.
But all Chanyeol could think of was Baekhyun’s lips and his soft hands, his ring finger the size of Chayeol’s pinky. Baekhyun was already beaming and walking in the direction of Chanyeol’s house in response to a “yes” he didn’t even know he had uttered.
***
In front of Chanyeol’s house, Baekhyun stopped walking and leaned back on the car.
“Chanyeol, I--” he started, but stopped and looked down, blushing furiously.
“You what?”
Chanyeol was still a bit buzzed, but not enough to not notice himself leaning forward, placing a hand on the car next to Baekhyun. He got close enough to his face that he felt when Baekhyun’s breath hitched.
He felt wild and out of control being this close to Baekhyun. He remembered their encounter in the bathroom and felt warmth coil in his stomach.
“I want…” Baekhyun’s words trailed off, eyes resting on Chanyeol’s lips. He licked them tentatively and watched Baekhyun’s pupils dilate, eyes growing glassy with every second.
“What do you want?”
Despite the heat of the moment, Baekhyun’s eyes took on a familiar glint and he smirked mischievously, speaking in the same slow, hoarse tone.
“I want you to fuck off,” he growled jokingly and Chanyeol chuckled quietly before finally closing the distance between their lips.
Baekhyun immediately let out a satisfied moan, body arching into Chanyeol’s. His hands reached upward to run through Chanyeol’s soft hair, long fingers tangling and pulling hungrily.
Baekhyun’s hands trailed down the length of Chanyeol’s torso, stopping to hook at the hem of his boxers. Chanyeol’s body tensed. He pulled away from the kiss to look at Baekhyun.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, only opening his eyes enough for Chanyeol to know they were open.
He’d never seen Baekhyun look like this before. There was a flush along his whole face and his lips looked red and raw. His mouth hung open, the tip of his tongue poking out.
All these things traveled from every part of his body directly to his dick. He whimpered shyly and looked down, urging Baekhyun to follow his eyes.
“Oh,” Baekhyun stated matter of factly, reaching his finger into his boxers and teasing the slit, wet with precome.
Chanyeol closed his eyes and bit on his lip to keep a moan back. When he opened his eyes again Baekhyun was smiling smugly. He traced the vein on Chanyeol’s neck with his tongue, wrapping his slim fingers around the top of his dick. Chanyeol let out a little gasp and felt Baekhyun’s smile against his neck as he continued to suck and bite it.
Chanyeol hesitantly slid his hands under Baekhyun’s shirt, feeling his skin burning hot under his icy hands. Baekhyun leaned back quickly, slapping Chanyeol’s hand away from him, keeping his other hand in his pants.
“Chanyeol your hands are fucking cold!”
Chanyeol furrowed his eyebrows and pouted. Baekhyun raised his eyebrow and wagged his finger at him. “No.”
Chanyeol settled for running his hands over Baekhyun’s shirt, as he pumped him faster.
He felt his face flush and his legs weakened suddenly.
“I-I’m gonna…” he began, but Baekhyun was already leaning over, placing his lips over his cock and flicking his tongue. The sudden warmth pushed Chanyeol over the edge, and he was coming in Baekhyun’s mouth.
Baekhyun turned and spit on the grass next to the driveway.
“What the hell?!”
“I wasn’t going to swallow, dumbass,” he said, raising his eyebrows. He smiled proudly and turned toward the door of the house.
Chanyeol felt frozen in place and scarily sober. He looked at his hands and realized he was shaking.
“Are you coming?” Baekhyun was looking at him with concern. Chanyeol started and nodded, half-smiling before walking over to unlock the door.
***
“Are we... okay?” Baekhyun whispered later in Chanyeol’s bed. This was supposed to be something familiar, something that felt like home, but this time it felt different. Chanyeol’s head was still spinning, though significantly less. Riding the adrenaline of his orgasm and the leftover buzz, he reached over and grabbed Baekhyun’s hand, holding it to his side.
He thinks maybe Baekhyun tried saying something else, tried asking him something, but the night finally caught up to him and he was more than halfway to being fast asleep by then.
***
When Chanyeol woke up the next morning, they were no longer holding hands. Instead, Baekhyun was facing his back, arm’s length away, a hand resting chastely on his waist. Even though he was sure this wasn’t the first time they had woken up like this, it felt more intimate this time and his heart dropped.
He slid slowly out of the embrace, just as afraid of Baekhyun waking up as he was of staying there.
At the breakfast table, they both ate their cereal in silence. It wasn’t an awkward silence, though it was heavy. Baekhyun opened his mouth slightly, as if considering saying something, but decided against it and instead met with a spoonful of cereal.
Chanyeol thought back to the previous night, wondering if they were okay.
The Tenth Christmas
Next Christmas Eve Chanyeol found himself kissing Baekhyun hungrily against the wall on the outside of his house.
He bit at the familiar skin on Baekhyun’s collarbone, feeling fingernails raking on his back. Moans escaped Baekhyun’s mouth and Chanyeol put a hand over it to quiet them.
Without warning, Baekhyun grabbed Chanyeol and turned both of them so that his arms caged around Chanyeol and the smell of candy cane lingered between their breath.
Chanyeol began to feel nostalgic and dizzy but was interrupted by a fumbling sensation near his zipper and teeth scraping against his bottom lip. His hands slid up Baekhyun’s thighs and settled on his hips, almost by instinct, as a tongue shyly wet his sore lip.
Baekhyun went on his knees, pulling Chanyeol’s half-hard dick out of his boxers. The cold metal of the zipper scraped him slightly and they were outside his house on Christmas Eve. As he opened his mouth to point out the obvious flaws in the situation, Baekhyun lowered his head quickly, so the tip of Chanyeol’s cock hits the back of his throat and the noise that was supposed to be words comes out as a strangled moan.
He slowly slid his lips up Chanyeol’s shaft, releasing his dick into the cold with a pop.
“Chanyeol?” Baekhyun’s voice struggled out of his mouth.
“Hmm?” he responded, leaning his head back on the concrete wall.
“Shut up,” he said simply before slipping his lips over Chanyeol and moving his head slowly.
Any thought Chanyeol had ceased to exist as he felt Baekhyun tonguing the underside of his dick. He fisted his hands in Baekhyun’s hair, softly encouraging him to move faster.
“God-- Fuck, Baek…” Chanyeol slapped a hand on his face and bit his fingers to keep from moaning. He felt Baekhyun smile and start moving faster; when Chanyeol allowed himself to look down, Baekhyun was staring at him, his eyes intense and darkened by the shadow of his brow. Something about the hungry look in his eyes sent Chanyeol over the edge and he was coming down Baekhyun’s throat, albeit without proper warning. The orgasm shot in waves through his body, tightening his stomach and sending goosebumps down his arm.
Baekhyun looked up at him, a tiny bit of come spilling down the corner of his mouth. He swallowed proudly and slowly licked the come away.
He stood up, brushing his pants down and shining like the angel on top of the Christmas tree and leaned forward to kiss Chanyeol. Thoughts rushed through his head, urging him to push Baekhyun and walk away; he had never let Baekhyun kiss him after having gone down on him. But as soon as their lips met, the thoughts quieted and he found himself rediscovering the inside of Baekhyun’s mouth. He tasted himself, but with Baekhyun’s hands placed greedily on his chest, he wasn’t sure he minded.
***
That night they held hands again, except this time Baekhyun didn’t say anything. In fact, he fell asleep first. He looked so peaceful in his sleep that Chanyeol almost wanted to stroke his cheek, to ensure he was real because in that moment, sleeping with the ghost of a smile on his face, he almost looked like an angel.
The next morning Chanyeol woke up in an echo of the previous year and many mornings in between. Baekhyun was close enough to him that he could feel the heat emanating from his skin and his arm was wrapped around Chanyeol loosely. His breath got faster and he felt nervous, but when he glanced back and saw Baekhyun looking the way he had last night, the nervousness settled on the edge of another feeling.
He took Baekhyun’s hand and let himself lay there until he was too hungry to stay.
The Thirteenth Christmas
By the time they were 22, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Luhan, and Minseok lived together. It was their first holiday not going home to their families, just spending it together. They had a tiny, shedding Christmas tree in the living room and stockings scavenged from the dollar store stuck to the walls with bits of tape.
It was early morning on Christmas Eve and Chanyeol was awake much earlier than usual, being the type to usually sleep until the afternoon. He was walking down the stairs rubbing his eyes groggily when he heard two voices coming from the kitchen. He hurried quietly down the steps and hid by the wall, hoping to give the boys a good spook early in the morning.
“What’s wrong, Baek?”
It was Minseok’s voice. He sounded concerned, in a way only Minseok could, and suddenly Chanyeol didn’t want to scare them.
There was a small sigh that he recognized as Baekhyun’s and the sound of a mug being placed on the table.
“It’s just--ah, for a while things seemed like they were going up but...” There was a silence in which he could picture Minseok looking thoughtfully at Baekhyun. “It’s been years and I don’t really think things are going to get any better than they are now.”
Baekhyun’s voice was sad and quiet in a way that Chanyeol didn’t know was possible for the loud, bratty boy. He felt a knot form in his throat at the sound of it.
“Baekhyun, I’m sure Chanyeol will come around.”
“But he won’t.” Baekhyun’s voice got louder but still carried the same sad tone. “No matter what I do, Chanyeol will never like me like that. And if he did, it’s not like he would ever admit it.”
Chanyeol’s heart stopped beating and there was a ringing in his ears. He backed away from the kitchen, not wanting to hear anymore of the conversation that clearly wasn’t meant for him.
He sat in his room, blood pulsing and eyes stinging.
He didn’t know why it had never occurred to him that Baekhyun felt that way about him. He thought back to their first kiss as kids and when he found himself tangled in Baekhyun’s limbs in the middle of the night and the kind, glowing smiles that followed his eye rolls. To be honest, it had never really thought about his actions; and now that he finally was, his breathing was heavier than usual and his vision seemed to be blurred.
What did this mean? That they had to date? And if they did, wouldn’t that make him… He couldn’t even think about saying it.
He paced in circles around his room, dragging his hands down his face and making very low, distressed sounds, coming up with reasons--citations to exact events and all--why there was no way he could be--well, you know.
He sat on his bed dejectedly. He could feel bile in his throat and his stomach began to grumble with unease when he thought about the moments during which he decided to set aside his fear and allow Baekhyun to do something he wanted.
There was the time they had been at the supermarket and Baekhyun wanted to hold his hand. Chanyeol felt taken aback and on the verge of disgusted, but when he saw Baekhyun’s droopy eyes and hopeful smile, he thought maybe it wouldn’t be so bad; and it wasn’t. He spent the whole trip laughing happily and pretending to hide in the grocery freezers with Baekhyun.
Chanyeol smiled fondly at the memory and his heart slowed down considerably. There was still a small sense of panic which he calmed by imagining Baekhyun was there, holding his hand.
Without thinking much about it, he texted Baekhyun, grabbed his coat, and headed out of the house.
‘Baekhyunnie, meet me at the fountain at 8pm? Merry christmas :]’
He had an idea.
***
He found himself at the mall on Christmas Eve; a dangerous venture. Sale signs were plastered on the front of every store and people from booths and kiosks called to him, offering him deals on infomercial products that would “make a great gift!”
Chanyeol stopped in a jewelry store, admiring diamonds, big and small, and brightly colored jewels. He stared at a set of rings, both thin, one white gold encrusted with a line of small diamonds, the other a simple band.
A hand opened the case that held the rings and pulled them out, placing them on the counter in front of him.
“Nice, aren’t they?”
Chanyeol looked up. A boy with a long, thin face and blonde hair parted down the center looked at him and smiled. His nametag read “Sehun”.
“Yeah… Are they silver?”
The salesman laughed loudly and shook his head.
“Oh, no, no. These are pure 14 karat white gold.”
Chanyeol remembered how much Baekhyun loved white gold. When Chanyeol had asked him how it was even different from silver, he had looked appalled and refused to kiss him for a week. He also claimed he “simply needed” to have white gold, since silver “irritates his skin” and gold just “isn’t as elegant.”
“How much are they?” He took the diamond ring, slipping it easily on his pinky.
“$3,554,” he said, nonchalantly examining his nails.
Chanyeol choked on his own saliva and began coughing.
“How much?” he croaked.
“$3,554,” the salesman said again, just as calmly as the first time.
“Isn’t there like… a deal… we can work out?” Chanyeol scratched the back of his head. He had never really learned to haggle but right now was a good a time as ever to find out how. Or at least he thought so until the salesman began to laugh.
Chanyeol hid his face behind his palm in horror. Slowly, however, the laughter subsided until it grew silent.
“Actually, I think I have a deal for you…”
Chanyeol peeked from between his fingers and nodded.
The salesman reached back into the case and pulled something else out.
“Here’s what we can do. I’ll lower the whole entire price of the set to $1,700 and,” he took the band out of the box, replacing it with an identical looking one, “I’ll even make this band silver.”
He pushed the box with the rings out at Chanyeol, “Just for you,” he said, winking.
Chanyeol looked down at the box, then back up at the salesman, then down at the box again.
“That is the best deal I have ever heard!” Chanyeol cheered, reaching in his pocket for his wallet. The salesman looked incredulous, mouth gaping at Chanyeol. He figured the salesman had given him such a good deal, expecting him not to buy, that now he’s simply amazed at how little he sold those treasures for.
Chanyeol leaned cooly against the counter and flicked out his card between two fingers.
“Put it all on the card,” he said.
He wasn’t quite sure, but as the salesman walked away with his card, he thought he heard laughter.
The Thirteenth Christmas, 7:45pm
Chanyeol was pacing back and forth at the top of the stairs overlooking the fountain. Christmas trees glowed around him and giant, light up snowflakes were hanging from between the buildings.
He held a small box in his hand that he twirled and eyed anxiously.
He realized his hands were shaking when he tried to take the top off of the box. Once he managed to open it, he pulled out two rings and examined them in the light.
He took the plain silver one and put it on his ring finger, then took the white gold one and slid it over his pinky. It fit over his smallest finger, which meant it would be perfect on Baekhyun’s slender ring finger. He admired the Christmas present, watching the light reflect off of the diamonds.
The Thirteenth Christmas, 8:00pm
The clock struck and Chanyeol started. He looked up and began hurriedly putting the rings away, taking deep breaths and closing his eyes.
He bit the inside of his cheek and stared at the clock. He tried to convince himself that this was okay, Baekhyun was always late for everything.
Chanyeol had given up looking at the clock. Instead he watched his knuckles turn white as he squeezed the box and then loosened his grip, watching the blood rush back to his hand.
It started to snow.
The Thirteenth Christmas, 8:49pm
He stared at his phone, waiting for a call, a text, or some reasonable explanation as to why he was standing alone by the fountain on Christmas Eve. Eventually, he decided Baekhyun was not going to show up.
He looked up at the dark sky, clouds sprinkling snow on the trees. There was a cold sensation on his cheek and when he wiped his hand across it he realized he was crying. He pressed his lips together and put the box in his pocket, beginning the walk back through the snow.
***
When he got home, he slammed the door.
“Baekhyun, what the hell?” He yelled into the house. He heard footsteps and saw Minseok coming down the stairs.
“Chanyeol, wait-”
Chanyeol walked past him and went upstairs, turning right to where Baekhyun’s door was, across from his.
“Why did you leave me at the fountain alone? I wanted to tell you that I finally realized,” he threw the door open, “that I like y-”
The room was empty. The closet was deserted save for a few hangers and every surface was stripped of Baekhyun’s stuff. Chanyeol turned and faced Minseok, who had chased after him when he’d gone up the stairs. His face was pale and worried.
“Chanyeol…” He tried to touch Chanyeol’s shoulder, but he moved away.
“Where did he go?”
Minseok looked uncomfortable and swayed from side to side nervously. “I don’t know. I’m sorry, I don’t know.”
Chanyeol looked into the empty room again, feeling his heart in his throat.
“He didn’t say anything to you?”
“No,” Minseok answered, “we only talked this morning and then…”
Chanyeol froze.
“What did you say to him?”
Minseok looked confused.
“You said the last time you talked to him was this morning.”
Minseok stared at him blankly.
“I heard you two talking this morning. About me. What did you say to him?” Chanyeol’s voice was low but threatening. He felt numb.
“I just told him that maybe he should…”
“That maybe he should what?
Minseok looked truly and sincerely apologetic, but Chanyeol couldn’t make himself feel a thing.
“I told him maybe he should move on-- but I didn’t expect him to leave!”
Chanyeol was already going down the stairs, Minseok calling after him. He walked out the door back into the winter air.
The Fourteenth Christmas
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
It was the third time Luhan had asked Chanyeol and it was only noon. Minseok bit at his nails nervously next to him, apparently too guilty to ask, though you could see the concern settled in his forehead.
“Guys, it’s been a year. I’m fine, really,” he said, smiling to prove his point. Neither Luhan or Minseok mentioned that he still couldn’t eat candy canes or peppermint, that to this day they still made him nauseous. Instead they looked at each other, then back at him, before Luhan nudged Minseok.
“I-- I’m sorry, Chanyeol. I know it’s been a year but I just w-”
“Don’t,” Chanyeol interrupted, waving his hand at Minseok with a smile. Red crept up his face and his vision began to blur.
“It doesn’t matter, it’s in the past,” his voice struggled through the lump in his throat, nose stinging.
“It’s probably better this way,” he croaked, rubbing his eyes. Minseok stood up, reaching towards him.
Chanyeol stepped away from him and smiled sadly.
“I have to go,” he said, throwing on his coat on and pulling the door open, “I’ll be back later. You guys can start dinner without me.”
With that, he was out the door.
***
His walk led him directly to the stairs across from the frozen fountain. He sat down on the step and pulled a small velvet box out of his pocket. He opened it, examining the shiny diamonds under the warm light of the lamppost. He closed it, gripping it in his hands until his knuckles turned white. He pulled his arm back and flung the box at the fountain, hearing it thunk high on the ice that had settled in the stone surrounding the spout. He hoped that Spring would swallow the box whole, and that with it would go the sound of Baekhyun’s laugh and the songs he whispered when he thought Chanyeol was asleep.
He paced nervously up and down the stairs, actively avoiding the magnetic pull of the velvet box. He glanced quickly at the top of the fountain.
“God damnit,” he muttered. Chanyeol walked to the fountain and stepped onto the edge. From there he could see the black box resting against the spout. He reached over and, despite his awkwardly long arms, was still a couple of feet short of the box.
“You damn fool,” he whispered to himself as he pulled up his sleeves, preparing to jump in hopes to retrieving it. He bent his knees, eyed the box carefully and-
“Chanyeol?”
He jumped before he was ready and with much less strength than intended, landing on the ice and slipping, falling right on his ass.
He stood up hastily, his face warm with embarrassment. He turned and saw a droopy-eyed boy looking shyly at the ground, an oversized sweater engulfing his tiny frame, long, gloved fingers poking out from the end of the sleeves.
Chanyeol gaped, partially because he couldn’t find out what to say and partially because he was afraid if he spoke he’d break some kind of spell and he would be gone.
Baekhyun pulled at his sleeves and looked up, eyes watery and red.
“I’m sorry,” he spoke fast and there was an unfamiliar shake in his voice, “and I know I’m a year late but…” He pointed at the clock tower next to the fountain.
It read 8:02pm.
Chanyeol stood up and came down from the fountain, still not saying anything. Baekhyun looked visibly shaken, even more so when Chanyeol stepped close to him.
“Why?”
Baekhyun didn’t have to ask what or even wonder, but he still stalled his response.
“I figured if I got away from you I’d finally…” he trailed off, watching the snow settle on an empty bench near them.
He looked up at Chanyeol, “I figured I’d finally get over you. I figured after all these years kissing you in the middle of the night and living with you probably wasn’t helping me.” He looked away again, chuckling.
“Funny thing is, it didn’t change a bit. I still thought of you. Every day. I wish I could tell you how often I wanted to come running back, but I just couldn’t find it in me to explain to you why I left. To try to justify leaving you alone, and to try to tell you-- Fuck--” a tear slid down Baekhyun’s cheek and wiped it away with the back of his hand and sniffed.
“Try to tell you that in a lapse of judgment, I put my feelings before our friendship and I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry.”
Chanyeol stayed silent, his big eyes staring at Baekhyun, who grew increasingly more nervous by the second.
Chanyeol stepped forward so their faces were only inches apart.
“I like you,” he said plainly, like he was commenting on the weather or stating they had gotten mail.
“Come again?”
“You said you’re a year late so,” he sheepishly grabbed one of Baekhyun’s hands, “now that you’re here I can tell you what I wanted to a year ago.”
Baekhyun opened and closed his mouth like a fish.
“Huh?” he said dumbly. Chanyeol laughed, eyes crinkling and teeth showing. He leaned to Baekhyun’s ear and whispered.
“Byun Baekhyun, I like you.”
He leaned back to look at Baekhyun’s wide-eyed expression again but instead was met with a pair of slightly dry lips and long pairs of fingers settled on his shoulders for support. He leaned into the kiss, snaking his arms around Baekhyun’s tiny waist and pulling him closer.
“How did you know I was here?” Chanyeol asked between kisses.
“I went to the house and Minseok told me this is where you’d be,” he shrugged matter of factly.
Before Chanyeol could wonder how Minseok could have known he’d be there, he was interrupted.
“Can we go home now?” Baekhyun whispered, filling the air between them with the familiar smell of candy canes.
***
“So your big plan was to take me to the fountain and tell me you liked me?” Baekhyun asked on their walk back as he kicked snow out of his way.
“No,” Chanyeol chuckled, “I was actually planning to give you…” he trailed off and stopped walking.
“What?” Baekhyun asked, turning around and knitting his eyebrows at Chanyeol.
Chanyeol started walking backwards, muttering incoherently to himself.
“Chanyeol, what?”
“I forgot something!” he yelled, turning and running towards the fountain.
He stood on the edge of the fountain and tiptoed, grazing the edge of the box just enough so that he could manage to push it to the edge with the tips of his fingers. He tried to catch it with his free hand but instead watched it fall onto the ice.
He reached down and picked it up. He opened the box and looked down at the ring, then back up at Baekhyun, waiting on the sidewalk with his head tilted in confusion like a puppy. Chanyeol smiled and closed the box, walking towards him with it held behind his back.
He really did hope Baekhyun’s finger was still the same size.
pairing: baekyeol, xiuhan if you squint
rating: r
genre: romance, angst
warnings: alcohol use, slight internal homophobia
summary: chanyeol and baekhyun measure their love in christmases.
a/n: this is my first ever fic that i ever publish or write ever! it was inspired entirely by miracles in december :/ thank you to my lovely sara for editing this and kaylee for just editing and helping me and sitting with me while i talked about it nonstop. also for being the reason it even happened!! thank u romina for reading it and also steph and erica!! i love all of u. the song in the car scene is airplane by f(x) and if you wanna listen to the mix that accompanies the fic it is right here. thank you for reading!
The First Christmas
They met the Christmas Eve both of them were ten.
As guests flooded into the warm house, pulling off their icy jackets and hanging them up, four boys were grouped and isolated with kisses on the forehead and demands to be nice.
In the likeness of youth, two hours later they were on the floor laughing as if this wasn’t the first time they had met.
“I can’t wait to see what Santa brought this year,” Chanyeol said through a mouthful of graham crackers with string cheese while he prepared another. A nervous silence settled over the room.
“Uh, Chanyeol, Santa’s not-”
“Gonna bring you any presents if you keep wondering,” Minseok interjected loudly, widening his eyes at Baekhyun in warning. He exchanged looks with both Luhan and Minseok and then groaned into his hand.
***
At the table, adults and children were segregated. Chanyeol and Baekhyun sat next to each other facing Minseok and Luhan and for once, Baekhyun didn’t feel completely bored at Christmas dinner.
Ten minutes later, Chanyeol’s plate was already empty and he was scraping the remains of his food of off it. Baekhyun, the slowest eater due to his picky habits, had almost an entire plateful, although you couldn’t tell what exactly was going to be eaten.
“Are you going to eat that?” Chanyeol asked, already reaching his fork out and poking the piece of ham. Baekhyun mumbled through a full mouth and Chanyeol grinned widely.
“Thanks Baekhyunnie!”
Baekhyun groaned loudly and let his head fall back. As he watched Chanyeol perkily eat his stolen food, he considered that even though he was complaining, he didn’t remember ever being this happy.
The Fifth Christmas
The first time they kissed they were fourteen.
It was Christmas Day, technically, at one in the morning. Chanyeol and Baekhyun were facing each other on the couch, legs tangled together. Chanyeol glared at Baekhyun coldly before reaching behind him to play with the branches of the Christmas tree.
“He’s not gonna show up, you know. Santa’s not real.”
Chanyeol pulled at a branch roughly and let go, nearly making the ornament on it fall.
“That’s not true, he’s real.”
“We’re fourteen, will you give it up already?”
Chanyeol stuck his tongue out in response.
Outside the trees ruffled in the winter gust and crickets filled the silence between them. They had both just started high school this year, and so far the easiest part was the school work. This year, girls and boys had started kissing in the hallways and relationships were flourishing across their class. It made Baekhyun nervous, but more than that it made him curious.
“Have you ever kissed anyone?”
Chanyeol scoffed. “Yeah, I’ve kissed like, a million girls.”
Baekhyun’s hands flew to his mouth, stifling a loud laugh.
“What?! It’s true!”
“Yeah, right. I’m always with you and I’ve never even seen you hold hands with a girl.”
“Oh yeah?” he pouted, “I have too kissed girls, and I can prove it!”
Baekhyun rolled his eyes so far back he was pretty sure he managed to catch a peek of his brain before challenging, “How are you going to prove that?”
Before Baekhyun could figure out what was happening, Chanyeol was on his knees and leaning over. His lips were soft and a little wet, and they tasted like the candy cane they had shared earlier. The kiss lasted only a couple of seconds and when it ended Chanyeol leaned back, smug grin sliding across his face.
“If I’d never kissed anyone, would I be able to do that?”
Baekhyun was almost positive the world stopped turning.
That Christmas, Baekhyun got his first kiss and Chanyeol cried through Christmas Day after watching his parents tiptoe downstairs with armfuls of presents addressed from “Santa.”
The Seventh Christmas
They fell in love the Christmas they were sixteen. Chanyeol had just gotten a car and a shiny new license.
Baekhyun scrunched his face at the rusty junk Chanyeol dared to call a car.
“Well,” he stood in front of it, eyes twinkling with pride, “what do you think? My parents said if I managed to make one B this semester they’d get me a car when I got my license!”
Baekhyun cringed at the excitement in his voice. He knew his parents probably hadn’t actually counted on Chanyeol getting the B. They probably only joked about getting him a car in a “when pigs fly” way. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to dampen the boy’s spirits, so he slapped on the biggest smile he could, and managed to look amazed and impressed for Chanyeol.
Later that night, at the dinner table, Baekhyun felt his phone vibrate in his pocket.
‘The bald eagle will land tonight?’
The text made his eyes roll and then immediately laugh. He remembered when Chanyeol had decided they should have a “secret code” for sneaking out, just in case their parents looked through their phones. He texted back, still laughing.
Baekhyun waited until late that night to quietly slip out of his house. On Christmas Eve, he thought ashamedly. He walked the two blocks to Chanyeol’s house and waited outside after texting him. Within a couple of minutes a small, goofy face poked from the window on the second floor. It retreated and was followed by two long legs and an entire skinny body attached. Baekhyun gasped, a little louder than expected, watching Chanyeol dangling from the edge of the window. His fingers let go and Baekhyun closed his eyes to avoid watching his best friend’s inevitable demise, but when he opened them up again all he saw was a wide-grinned boy waving a set of keys wildly.
He stuck the key in the handle.
“Let’s take this baby for a ride.”
With another roll of his eyes, Baekhyun yanked the door open.
***
They drove down the highway, Airplane crackling from the old speakers, wind pushing Baekhyun’s hair down flat.
Chanyeol had a goofy, borderline euphoric grin on his face as he steered them in circles around dark, empty backstreets of town. Baekhyun examined the way the tendons on his neck stretched when he smiled and laughed so wide it looked like his face would rip in two, the way he reached his hand up to muss up the hair that was already misplacing itself in the breeze. When his faced relaxed, his lips were plump and a little dry because of the winter cold.
Chanyeol turned his head to Baekhyun, who jumped back slightly, feeling as if he has been caught red-handed.
“What are you looking at, huh?” Chanyeol threatened mockingly. He reached his hands out and lovingly slapped his cheek. Baekhyun felt all his blood rush to his face and turned to the darkness outside the window. He thought of telling Chanyeol that he was looking at him, hoping he’d be there every morning for the rest of his life. He toyed with telling him that he hoped neither of them would ever feel nostalgic because each day would be better than the last.
“Obviously nothing important, dumbass.”
They fell in love the Christmas they were sixteen; but only Baekhyun noticed.
The Ninth Christmas
The Christmas they were eighteen, Luhan’s parents went out of town for the holidays. He had to stay behind to keep working before going off to college that summer. One day into Luhan’s newfound freedom, Chanyeol was already suggesting a party, tripping over his words to talk about the kinds of drinks they should get before Luhan even had a chance to agree.
The day of the party Chanyeol showed up wearing a ridiculous, furry hat with two dangling poms on either side and a set of ears decorating the top. He came in holding bags of rum, vodka, and whiskey, all cheap and foul-smelling.
Minseok’s eyes widened when he saw the drinks.
“Whoa, Chanyeol, how did y-”
Chanyeol shifted the bags to one hand and placed a finger on Minseok’s lips, shushing him.
“Don’t worry about it.”
They should’ve known better than to question anything Chanyeol did, but the curiosity just never subsided. Minseok just shrugged and started happily pulling bottles and handles out of the bags, smiling wide and mixing drinks.
Luhan walked over to Minseok’s side, his fingers reaching for the loose fabric of his pants, and he looked at him with big, scared eyes which relaxed and softened once they met Minseok’s. Luhan leaned in and Chanyeol looked away.
***
When Baekhyun showed up, Chanyeol was three rum and cokes into the night. He looked at him and noticed, for the first time, the way his collarbones protruded underneath his skin. Baekhyun spotted him and beamed, turning and grabbing a drink from Minseok’s hand before making his way over to him and placing a hand on his shoulder. The skin under his touch, despite the fabric between them, felt hot. He hoped Baekhyun wouldn’t notice the blush on his cheeks since his face was already happy and red from the alcohol, but when he looked up to check, Baekhyun’s head was tilted back, chugging the drink Minseok had given him. Chanyeol tried not to stare at the length of his neck and, while licking his lips, tried to suppress thoughts he knew weren’t appropriate to think about your best friend.
He tried to talk but his throat was dry with something he couldn’t quite put a name on, just knew it was pooling near his stomach, maybe a little lower--
“Let’s dance,” Baekhyun suggested, though he wasn’t really suggesting it since he was already dragging Chanyeol away from their corner before he could finish his thought and swallow enough to regain his ability to speak.
***
“I’ll be right back,” Chanyeol announced, standing up during a particularly blurry game of Ring of Fire and walking around the corner to the guest bathroom.
As he reached out for the handle, the door swung open and Chanyeol found himself far too close to Baekhyun. The distance was almost uncomfortable, until the alcohol rushed back to his head and he was staring at Baekhyun’s lips.
Without really thinking, and before Baekhyun could speak, he tangled his fingers in the boy’s hair and shoved both their bodies into the bathroom, sloppily kicking the door closed behind them. He felt Baekhyun’s nose against his and their hot breath mixed in the empty space. Before he could regret it, before he could clear his mind long enough to know what he was doing, he dove in, kissing Baekhyun and sliding his leg between his thighs. He felt a soft vibration on his lips and for a second he was afraid Baekhyun was protesting but then his arms wrapped around him, pulling him closer, and his kisses became increasingly more desperate and needy.
Chanyeol didn’t know how long they were there for, only felt hands sliding up his sides and his fingers tangled in Baekhyun’s hair, before there was a knock on the door. He jolted back and pulled the door open, maintaining a straight face as he nodded his head at the pretty girl on the other side. Baekhyun walked after him, but no one thought anything of it, probably because they were all too drunk to care.
Back at the table for Ring of Fire, Baekhyun took the seat next to him and Chanyeol hooked his ankle around Baekhyun’s. They sat like that through the rest of party, Chanyeol trying to divert his thoughts from angelic lips and warm skin under his fingers.
***
As the party wound down, Baekhyun and Chanyeol decided to head home together. They said bye to Luhan, who waved lazily without taking his eyes off of Minseok for a second.
They walked in silence most of the way, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. It was one heavy with years of friendship and buzzing with remnants of alcohol. When they got to the street where they usually part ways, they stood there, looking at each other in the dim glow of the street light.
“Can I--” Baekhyun hesitated slightly but his eyes got dark and his cheeks flushed red, “Can I spend the night?”
Chanyeol knew Baekhyun, knew his parents, and when he looked at his phone and read 2:28am and realized that, technically, it is now Christmas Eve, he knew they would be upset to wake up and find their son out of the house.
But all Chanyeol could think of was Baekhyun’s lips and his soft hands, his ring finger the size of Chayeol’s pinky. Baekhyun was already beaming and walking in the direction of Chanyeol’s house in response to a “yes” he didn’t even know he had uttered.
***
In front of Chanyeol’s house, Baekhyun stopped walking and leaned back on the car.
“Chanyeol, I--” he started, but stopped and looked down, blushing furiously.
“You what?”
Chanyeol was still a bit buzzed, but not enough to not notice himself leaning forward, placing a hand on the car next to Baekhyun. He got close enough to his face that he felt when Baekhyun’s breath hitched.
He felt wild and out of control being this close to Baekhyun. He remembered their encounter in the bathroom and felt warmth coil in his stomach.
“I want…” Baekhyun’s words trailed off, eyes resting on Chanyeol’s lips. He licked them tentatively and watched Baekhyun’s pupils dilate, eyes growing glassy with every second.
“What do you want?”
Despite the heat of the moment, Baekhyun’s eyes took on a familiar glint and he smirked mischievously, speaking in the same slow, hoarse tone.
“I want you to fuck off,” he growled jokingly and Chanyeol chuckled quietly before finally closing the distance between their lips.
Baekhyun immediately let out a satisfied moan, body arching into Chanyeol’s. His hands reached upward to run through Chanyeol’s soft hair, long fingers tangling and pulling hungrily.
Baekhyun’s hands trailed down the length of Chanyeol’s torso, stopping to hook at the hem of his boxers. Chanyeol’s body tensed. He pulled away from the kiss to look at Baekhyun.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, only opening his eyes enough for Chanyeol to know they were open.
He’d never seen Baekhyun look like this before. There was a flush along his whole face and his lips looked red and raw. His mouth hung open, the tip of his tongue poking out.
All these things traveled from every part of his body directly to his dick. He whimpered shyly and looked down, urging Baekhyun to follow his eyes.
“Oh,” Baekhyun stated matter of factly, reaching his finger into his boxers and teasing the slit, wet with precome.
Chanyeol closed his eyes and bit on his lip to keep a moan back. When he opened his eyes again Baekhyun was smiling smugly. He traced the vein on Chanyeol’s neck with his tongue, wrapping his slim fingers around the top of his dick. Chanyeol let out a little gasp and felt Baekhyun’s smile against his neck as he continued to suck and bite it.
Chanyeol hesitantly slid his hands under Baekhyun’s shirt, feeling his skin burning hot under his icy hands. Baekhyun leaned back quickly, slapping Chanyeol’s hand away from him, keeping his other hand in his pants.
“Chanyeol your hands are fucking cold!”
Chanyeol furrowed his eyebrows and pouted. Baekhyun raised his eyebrow and wagged his finger at him. “No.”
Chanyeol settled for running his hands over Baekhyun’s shirt, as he pumped him faster.
He felt his face flush and his legs weakened suddenly.
“I-I’m gonna…” he began, but Baekhyun was already leaning over, placing his lips over his cock and flicking his tongue. The sudden warmth pushed Chanyeol over the edge, and he was coming in Baekhyun’s mouth.
Baekhyun turned and spit on the grass next to the driveway.
“What the hell?!”
“I wasn’t going to swallow, dumbass,” he said, raising his eyebrows. He smiled proudly and turned toward the door of the house.
Chanyeol felt frozen in place and scarily sober. He looked at his hands and realized he was shaking.
“Are you coming?” Baekhyun was looking at him with concern. Chanyeol started and nodded, half-smiling before walking over to unlock the door.
***
“Are we... okay?” Baekhyun whispered later in Chanyeol’s bed. This was supposed to be something familiar, something that felt like home, but this time it felt different. Chanyeol’s head was still spinning, though significantly less. Riding the adrenaline of his orgasm and the leftover buzz, he reached over and grabbed Baekhyun’s hand, holding it to his side.
He thinks maybe Baekhyun tried saying something else, tried asking him something, but the night finally caught up to him and he was more than halfway to being fast asleep by then.
***
When Chanyeol woke up the next morning, they were no longer holding hands. Instead, Baekhyun was facing his back, arm’s length away, a hand resting chastely on his waist. Even though he was sure this wasn’t the first time they had woken up like this, it felt more intimate this time and his heart dropped.
He slid slowly out of the embrace, just as afraid of Baekhyun waking up as he was of staying there.
At the breakfast table, they both ate their cereal in silence. It wasn’t an awkward silence, though it was heavy. Baekhyun opened his mouth slightly, as if considering saying something, but decided against it and instead met with a spoonful of cereal.
Chanyeol thought back to the previous night, wondering if they were okay.
The Tenth Christmas
Next Christmas Eve Chanyeol found himself kissing Baekhyun hungrily against the wall on the outside of his house.
He bit at the familiar skin on Baekhyun’s collarbone, feeling fingernails raking on his back. Moans escaped Baekhyun’s mouth and Chanyeol put a hand over it to quiet them.
Without warning, Baekhyun grabbed Chanyeol and turned both of them so that his arms caged around Chanyeol and the smell of candy cane lingered between their breath.
Chanyeol began to feel nostalgic and dizzy but was interrupted by a fumbling sensation near his zipper and teeth scraping against his bottom lip. His hands slid up Baekhyun’s thighs and settled on his hips, almost by instinct, as a tongue shyly wet his sore lip.
Baekhyun went on his knees, pulling Chanyeol’s half-hard dick out of his boxers. The cold metal of the zipper scraped him slightly and they were outside his house on Christmas Eve. As he opened his mouth to point out the obvious flaws in the situation, Baekhyun lowered his head quickly, so the tip of Chanyeol’s cock hits the back of his throat and the noise that was supposed to be words comes out as a strangled moan.
He slowly slid his lips up Chanyeol’s shaft, releasing his dick into the cold with a pop.
“Chanyeol?” Baekhyun’s voice struggled out of his mouth.
“Hmm?” he responded, leaning his head back on the concrete wall.
“Shut up,” he said simply before slipping his lips over Chanyeol and moving his head slowly.
Any thought Chanyeol had ceased to exist as he felt Baekhyun tonguing the underside of his dick. He fisted his hands in Baekhyun’s hair, softly encouraging him to move faster.
“God-- Fuck, Baek…” Chanyeol slapped a hand on his face and bit his fingers to keep from moaning. He felt Baekhyun smile and start moving faster; when Chanyeol allowed himself to look down, Baekhyun was staring at him, his eyes intense and darkened by the shadow of his brow. Something about the hungry look in his eyes sent Chanyeol over the edge and he was coming down Baekhyun’s throat, albeit without proper warning. The orgasm shot in waves through his body, tightening his stomach and sending goosebumps down his arm.
Baekhyun looked up at him, a tiny bit of come spilling down the corner of his mouth. He swallowed proudly and slowly licked the come away.
He stood up, brushing his pants down and shining like the angel on top of the Christmas tree and leaned forward to kiss Chanyeol. Thoughts rushed through his head, urging him to push Baekhyun and walk away; he had never let Baekhyun kiss him after having gone down on him. But as soon as their lips met, the thoughts quieted and he found himself rediscovering the inside of Baekhyun’s mouth. He tasted himself, but with Baekhyun’s hands placed greedily on his chest, he wasn’t sure he minded.
***
That night they held hands again, except this time Baekhyun didn’t say anything. In fact, he fell asleep first. He looked so peaceful in his sleep that Chanyeol almost wanted to stroke his cheek, to ensure he was real because in that moment, sleeping with the ghost of a smile on his face, he almost looked like an angel.
The next morning Chanyeol woke up in an echo of the previous year and many mornings in between. Baekhyun was close enough to him that he could feel the heat emanating from his skin and his arm was wrapped around Chanyeol loosely. His breath got faster and he felt nervous, but when he glanced back and saw Baekhyun looking the way he had last night, the nervousness settled on the edge of another feeling.
He took Baekhyun’s hand and let himself lay there until he was too hungry to stay.
The Thirteenth Christmas
By the time they were 22, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Luhan, and Minseok lived together. It was their first holiday not going home to their families, just spending it together. They had a tiny, shedding Christmas tree in the living room and stockings scavenged from the dollar store stuck to the walls with bits of tape.
It was early morning on Christmas Eve and Chanyeol was awake much earlier than usual, being the type to usually sleep until the afternoon. He was walking down the stairs rubbing his eyes groggily when he heard two voices coming from the kitchen. He hurried quietly down the steps and hid by the wall, hoping to give the boys a good spook early in the morning.
“What’s wrong, Baek?”
It was Minseok’s voice. He sounded concerned, in a way only Minseok could, and suddenly Chanyeol didn’t want to scare them.
There was a small sigh that he recognized as Baekhyun’s and the sound of a mug being placed on the table.
“It’s just--ah, for a while things seemed like they were going up but...” There was a silence in which he could picture Minseok looking thoughtfully at Baekhyun. “It’s been years and I don’t really think things are going to get any better than they are now.”
Baekhyun’s voice was sad and quiet in a way that Chanyeol didn’t know was possible for the loud, bratty boy. He felt a knot form in his throat at the sound of it.
“Baekhyun, I’m sure Chanyeol will come around.”
“But he won’t.” Baekhyun’s voice got louder but still carried the same sad tone. “No matter what I do, Chanyeol will never like me like that. And if he did, it’s not like he would ever admit it.”
Chanyeol’s heart stopped beating and there was a ringing in his ears. He backed away from the kitchen, not wanting to hear anymore of the conversation that clearly wasn’t meant for him.
He sat in his room, blood pulsing and eyes stinging.
He didn’t know why it had never occurred to him that Baekhyun felt that way about him. He thought back to their first kiss as kids and when he found himself tangled in Baekhyun’s limbs in the middle of the night and the kind, glowing smiles that followed his eye rolls. To be honest, it had never really thought about his actions; and now that he finally was, his breathing was heavier than usual and his vision seemed to be blurred.
What did this mean? That they had to date? And if they did, wouldn’t that make him… He couldn’t even think about saying it.
He paced in circles around his room, dragging his hands down his face and making very low, distressed sounds, coming up with reasons--citations to exact events and all--why there was no way he could be--well, you know.
He sat on his bed dejectedly. He could feel bile in his throat and his stomach began to grumble with unease when he thought about the moments during which he decided to set aside his fear and allow Baekhyun to do something he wanted.
There was the time they had been at the supermarket and Baekhyun wanted to hold his hand. Chanyeol felt taken aback and on the verge of disgusted, but when he saw Baekhyun’s droopy eyes and hopeful smile, he thought maybe it wouldn’t be so bad; and it wasn’t. He spent the whole trip laughing happily and pretending to hide in the grocery freezers with Baekhyun.
Chanyeol smiled fondly at the memory and his heart slowed down considerably. There was still a small sense of panic which he calmed by imagining Baekhyun was there, holding his hand.
Without thinking much about it, he texted Baekhyun, grabbed his coat, and headed out of the house.
‘Baekhyunnie, meet me at the fountain at 8pm? Merry christmas :]’
He had an idea.
***
He found himself at the mall on Christmas Eve; a dangerous venture. Sale signs were plastered on the front of every store and people from booths and kiosks called to him, offering him deals on infomercial products that would “make a great gift!”
Chanyeol stopped in a jewelry store, admiring diamonds, big and small, and brightly colored jewels. He stared at a set of rings, both thin, one white gold encrusted with a line of small diamonds, the other a simple band.
A hand opened the case that held the rings and pulled them out, placing them on the counter in front of him.
“Nice, aren’t they?”
Chanyeol looked up. A boy with a long, thin face and blonde hair parted down the center looked at him and smiled. His nametag read “Sehun”.
“Yeah… Are they silver?”
The salesman laughed loudly and shook his head.
“Oh, no, no. These are pure 14 karat white gold.”
Chanyeol remembered how much Baekhyun loved white gold. When Chanyeol had asked him how it was even different from silver, he had looked appalled and refused to kiss him for a week. He also claimed he “simply needed” to have white gold, since silver “irritates his skin” and gold just “isn’t as elegant.”
“How much are they?” He took the diamond ring, slipping it easily on his pinky.
“$3,554,” he said, nonchalantly examining his nails.
Chanyeol choked on his own saliva and began coughing.
“How much?” he croaked.
“$3,554,” the salesman said again, just as calmly as the first time.
“Isn’t there like… a deal… we can work out?” Chanyeol scratched the back of his head. He had never really learned to haggle but right now was a good a time as ever to find out how. Or at least he thought so until the salesman began to laugh.
Chanyeol hid his face behind his palm in horror. Slowly, however, the laughter subsided until it grew silent.
“Actually, I think I have a deal for you…”
Chanyeol peeked from between his fingers and nodded.
The salesman reached back into the case and pulled something else out.
“Here’s what we can do. I’ll lower the whole entire price of the set to $1,700 and,” he took the band out of the box, replacing it with an identical looking one, “I’ll even make this band silver.”
He pushed the box with the rings out at Chanyeol, “Just for you,” he said, winking.
Chanyeol looked down at the box, then back up at the salesman, then down at the box again.
“That is the best deal I have ever heard!” Chanyeol cheered, reaching in his pocket for his wallet. The salesman looked incredulous, mouth gaping at Chanyeol. He figured the salesman had given him such a good deal, expecting him not to buy, that now he’s simply amazed at how little he sold those treasures for.
Chanyeol leaned cooly against the counter and flicked out his card between two fingers.
“Put it all on the card,” he said.
He wasn’t quite sure, but as the salesman walked away with his card, he thought he heard laughter.
The Thirteenth Christmas, 7:45pm
Chanyeol was pacing back and forth at the top of the stairs overlooking the fountain. Christmas trees glowed around him and giant, light up snowflakes were hanging from between the buildings.
He held a small box in his hand that he twirled and eyed anxiously.
He realized his hands were shaking when he tried to take the top off of the box. Once he managed to open it, he pulled out two rings and examined them in the light.
He took the plain silver one and put it on his ring finger, then took the white gold one and slid it over his pinky. It fit over his smallest finger, which meant it would be perfect on Baekhyun’s slender ring finger. He admired the Christmas present, watching the light reflect off of the diamonds.
The Thirteenth Christmas, 8:00pm
The clock struck and Chanyeol started. He looked up and began hurriedly putting the rings away, taking deep breaths and closing his eyes.
He bit the inside of his cheek and stared at the clock. He tried to convince himself that this was okay, Baekhyun was always late for everything.
Chanyeol had given up looking at the clock. Instead he watched his knuckles turn white as he squeezed the box and then loosened his grip, watching the blood rush back to his hand.
It started to snow.
The Thirteenth Christmas, 8:49pm
He stared at his phone, waiting for a call, a text, or some reasonable explanation as to why he was standing alone by the fountain on Christmas Eve. Eventually, he decided Baekhyun was not going to show up.
He looked up at the dark sky, clouds sprinkling snow on the trees. There was a cold sensation on his cheek and when he wiped his hand across it he realized he was crying. He pressed his lips together and put the box in his pocket, beginning the walk back through the snow.
***
When he got home, he slammed the door.
“Baekhyun, what the hell?” He yelled into the house. He heard footsteps and saw Minseok coming down the stairs.
“Chanyeol, wait-”
Chanyeol walked past him and went upstairs, turning right to where Baekhyun’s door was, across from his.
“Why did you leave me at the fountain alone? I wanted to tell you that I finally realized,” he threw the door open, “that I like y-”
The room was empty. The closet was deserted save for a few hangers and every surface was stripped of Baekhyun’s stuff. Chanyeol turned and faced Minseok, who had chased after him when he’d gone up the stairs. His face was pale and worried.
“Chanyeol…” He tried to touch Chanyeol’s shoulder, but he moved away.
“Where did he go?”
Minseok looked uncomfortable and swayed from side to side nervously. “I don’t know. I’m sorry, I don’t know.”
Chanyeol looked into the empty room again, feeling his heart in his throat.
“He didn’t say anything to you?”
“No,” Minseok answered, “we only talked this morning and then…”
Chanyeol froze.
“What did you say to him?”
Minseok looked confused.
“You said the last time you talked to him was this morning.”
Minseok stared at him blankly.
“I heard you two talking this morning. About me. What did you say to him?” Chanyeol’s voice was low but threatening. He felt numb.
“I just told him that maybe he should…”
“That maybe he should what?
Minseok looked truly and sincerely apologetic, but Chanyeol couldn’t make himself feel a thing.
“I told him maybe he should move on-- but I didn’t expect him to leave!”
Chanyeol was already going down the stairs, Minseok calling after him. He walked out the door back into the winter air.
The Fourteenth Christmas
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
It was the third time Luhan had asked Chanyeol and it was only noon. Minseok bit at his nails nervously next to him, apparently too guilty to ask, though you could see the concern settled in his forehead.
“Guys, it’s been a year. I’m fine, really,” he said, smiling to prove his point. Neither Luhan or Minseok mentioned that he still couldn’t eat candy canes or peppermint, that to this day they still made him nauseous. Instead they looked at each other, then back at him, before Luhan nudged Minseok.
“I-- I’m sorry, Chanyeol. I know it’s been a year but I just w-”
“Don’t,” Chanyeol interrupted, waving his hand at Minseok with a smile. Red crept up his face and his vision began to blur.
“It doesn’t matter, it’s in the past,” his voice struggled through the lump in his throat, nose stinging.
“It’s probably better this way,” he croaked, rubbing his eyes. Minseok stood up, reaching towards him.
Chanyeol stepped away from him and smiled sadly.
“I have to go,” he said, throwing on his coat on and pulling the door open, “I’ll be back later. You guys can start dinner without me.”
With that, he was out the door.
***
His walk led him directly to the stairs across from the frozen fountain. He sat down on the step and pulled a small velvet box out of his pocket. He opened it, examining the shiny diamonds under the warm light of the lamppost. He closed it, gripping it in his hands until his knuckles turned white. He pulled his arm back and flung the box at the fountain, hearing it thunk high on the ice that had settled in the stone surrounding the spout. He hoped that Spring would swallow the box whole, and that with it would go the sound of Baekhyun’s laugh and the songs he whispered when he thought Chanyeol was asleep.
He paced nervously up and down the stairs, actively avoiding the magnetic pull of the velvet box. He glanced quickly at the top of the fountain.
“God damnit,” he muttered. Chanyeol walked to the fountain and stepped onto the edge. From there he could see the black box resting against the spout. He reached over and, despite his awkwardly long arms, was still a couple of feet short of the box.
“You damn fool,” he whispered to himself as he pulled up his sleeves, preparing to jump in hopes to retrieving it. He bent his knees, eyed the box carefully and-
“Chanyeol?”
He jumped before he was ready and with much less strength than intended, landing on the ice and slipping, falling right on his ass.
He stood up hastily, his face warm with embarrassment. He turned and saw a droopy-eyed boy looking shyly at the ground, an oversized sweater engulfing his tiny frame, long, gloved fingers poking out from the end of the sleeves.
Chanyeol gaped, partially because he couldn’t find out what to say and partially because he was afraid if he spoke he’d break some kind of spell and he would be gone.
Baekhyun pulled at his sleeves and looked up, eyes watery and red.
“I’m sorry,” he spoke fast and there was an unfamiliar shake in his voice, “and I know I’m a year late but…” He pointed at the clock tower next to the fountain.
It read 8:02pm.
Chanyeol stood up and came down from the fountain, still not saying anything. Baekhyun looked visibly shaken, even more so when Chanyeol stepped close to him.
“Why?”
Baekhyun didn’t have to ask what or even wonder, but he still stalled his response.
“I figured if I got away from you I’d finally…” he trailed off, watching the snow settle on an empty bench near them.
He looked up at Chanyeol, “I figured I’d finally get over you. I figured after all these years kissing you in the middle of the night and living with you probably wasn’t helping me.” He looked away again, chuckling.
“Funny thing is, it didn’t change a bit. I still thought of you. Every day. I wish I could tell you how often I wanted to come running back, but I just couldn’t find it in me to explain to you why I left. To try to justify leaving you alone, and to try to tell you-- Fuck--” a tear slid down Baekhyun’s cheek and wiped it away with the back of his hand and sniffed.
“Try to tell you that in a lapse of judgment, I put my feelings before our friendship and I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry.”
Chanyeol stayed silent, his big eyes staring at Baekhyun, who grew increasingly more nervous by the second.
Chanyeol stepped forward so their faces were only inches apart.
“I like you,” he said plainly, like he was commenting on the weather or stating they had gotten mail.
“Come again?”
“You said you’re a year late so,” he sheepishly grabbed one of Baekhyun’s hands, “now that you’re here I can tell you what I wanted to a year ago.”
Baekhyun opened and closed his mouth like a fish.
“Huh?” he said dumbly. Chanyeol laughed, eyes crinkling and teeth showing. He leaned to Baekhyun’s ear and whispered.
“Byun Baekhyun, I like you.”
He leaned back to look at Baekhyun’s wide-eyed expression again but instead was met with a pair of slightly dry lips and long pairs of fingers settled on his shoulders for support. He leaned into the kiss, snaking his arms around Baekhyun’s tiny waist and pulling him closer.
“How did you know I was here?” Chanyeol asked between kisses.
“I went to the house and Minseok told me this is where you’d be,” he shrugged matter of factly.
Before Chanyeol could wonder how Minseok could have known he’d be there, he was interrupted.
“Can we go home now?” Baekhyun whispered, filling the air between them with the familiar smell of candy canes.
***
“So your big plan was to take me to the fountain and tell me you liked me?” Baekhyun asked on their walk back as he kicked snow out of his way.
“No,” Chanyeol chuckled, “I was actually planning to give you…” he trailed off and stopped walking.
“What?” Baekhyun asked, turning around and knitting his eyebrows at Chanyeol.
Chanyeol started walking backwards, muttering incoherently to himself.
“Chanyeol, what?”
“I forgot something!” he yelled, turning and running towards the fountain.
He stood on the edge of the fountain and tiptoed, grazing the edge of the box just enough so that he could manage to push it to the edge with the tips of his fingers. He tried to catch it with his free hand but instead watched it fall onto the ice.
He reached down and picked it up. He opened the box and looked down at the ring, then back up at Baekhyun, waiting on the sidewalk with his head tilted in confusion like a puppy. Chanyeol smiled and closed the box, walking towards him with it held behind his back.
He really did hope Baekhyun’s finger was still the same size.