light one up (college!au ?/?)
title: light one up
pairing: baekhyun/yixing/kyungsoo/junmyeon friendship mostly (changes in other parts)
rating: r
genre: humor, slice of life, au
length: ~1.3k
warnings: lots of drugs and lots of piss
summary: yixing has to take a drug test. chaos ensues. part of a set of one shots and drabbles that revolve around most of exo (especially baekhyun, yixing, kyungsoo, junmyeon, and chanyeol) in college. they drink a lot, they smoke a lot, and in general they get themselves in pretty stupid situations.
a/n: i don't know if this will ever have a plot, but it'll almost always make as little sense as possible and almost always make you laugh. enjoy!
light one up
Yixing is at their house on Saturday. A wave of exams had just ended and they were looking forward to unwinding and not doing the homework for the next unit. Yixing, in post-exam euphoria, offered to smoke everyone out. So on Saturday, he’s lighting a long and thick joint (that he rolled himself, of course) between his lips when his phone rings. Joint still in his mouth, he brings the phone to his ear.
“Huh?” He grunts.
Baekhyun is on the couch, typing on his phone and occasionally sneaking peeks at Yixing, trying to overhear the conversation. Chanyeol is on the floor, reaching his hand into a box of cereal and eating it, staring absentmindedly at the wall. Suddenly, Yixing’s eyes go wide, the end of the joint turning bright red, burning into his mouth excessively. He hangs up the phone, bringing it away from his face slowly.
“What? What happened? Yixing, what?” Baekhyun says excitedly.
Yixing opens his mouth, cloud of smoke coming out and engulfing his face in a white puff, “I have to take a drug test on Monday.”
☼
One joint later, Baekhyun is pacing around Yixing, who is nervously biting his nails and scrolling through google pages on his computer.
“This’ll be fine, we can think of something. Have you found anything?”
Yixing looks up from his computer, “Only things for people who have weeks, not two days!”
Baekhyun rubs his temples. He looks over at Chanyeol and jabs him with a toe.
“Hey, Yeol, do you know how to pass a drug test?” It would only make sense that he would, considering just how often he smokes.
Chanyeol just keeps staring at the wall, chewing cereal, until Baekhyun jabs him, harder this time, shaking him from his trance.
“Huh?”
“Drug test,” Baekhyun snaps.
“Oh drug tests,” he laughs, shaking his head. “I failed a drug test once…”
Baekhyun brings his palm to his face, groaning in frustration. “We’re so fucked.”
At that moment, the door jiggles and flies open. Kyungsoo comes in, sniffing the air and scrunching his nose, “It smells like fucking weed in here.”
Three pairs of eyes turn to look at him.
“What?”
Yixing looks at Baekhyun, smiling. “Dude…”
“Yeah…” They both turn to look at Kyungsoo.
“What?” He asks, looking between the two. “What?!”
☼
When Monday rolls around, Baekhyun and Yixing are in the living room looking up the address for the drug test. They’re still freaking out, having read too much about the consequences of bringing someone else’s urine.
“Just drink a lot of water, dude,” Baekhyun suggests, looking up like it should have been painfully obvious.
Yixing shakes his head, “No dude, they count diluted pee as a failed test. People do that shit all the time.”
“So take one of those fucking super cleansing smoothies.”
Yixing just stares at him, mouth gaping, and then walks over to research on his computer. “We should just stick to the original plan.”
Baekhyun sighs and gestures at his room. They walk over and enter the room to a napping Junmyeon.
As they come in, Junmyeon’s eyes open barely, staring at the two boys coming directly towards him.
“Can we have some of your pee?” Baekhyun asks, face uncomfortably close and voice way too loud for someone who just woke up. Junmyeon just stares at him, squinting and opening his mouth as if to talk. He then shakes his head and turns around, pulling the sheet over his head.
They look at each other, then over at Kyungsoo’s door. For a second, it almost feels like the room gets colder. They walk over together, hesitantly knocking.
Kyungsoo emerges, hair messy from sleep and his face puffy.
“Can we have some of your pee?” Baekhyun blurts, figuring it’s just better to get it over with. Kyungsoo looks angrily at them, grumbling as he walks to the kitchen, takes something from the cupboard and then locks himself in his room.
Yixing and Baekhyun are back in the living room, contemplating Yixing’s quickly approaching demise, when Kyungsoo comes in with a zip lock bag filled with a yellow liquid.
“I have your pee,” he announces. Yixing and Baekhyun look at each other and start jumping up and down, cheering loudly.
Junmyeon comes into the room, rubbing sleep out of his eyes, “Did Kyungsoo just give you his fucking piss?” He doesn’t wait for an answer, knows he won’t get one anyway, because he learned long ago to stifle any doubts he might have about the actual reality of the situations he got into with these kids.
☼
All of them are sitting in the living room around the ziplock bag of piss.
“So,” Kyungsoo starts, furrowing his eyebrows, “how do we like. Do this.”
“Well, it needs to stay warm to be valid,” Yixing announces, with almost too much knowledge to make anyone in the room comfortable. “So I guess--”
“Put it under your balls, dude.”
Everyone turns to look at Baekhyun. He reaches over, grabbing the warm bag and folding it over, careful not to spill the liquid. “You fold it over and you just,” he gestures as if putting something into his pants, “right there. Snug in your ballsack.”
There is silence in the room for long enough that Baekhyun thinks maybe he might have accidentally said something in gibberish but then Yixing’s face lights up, goofy grin engulfing his whole face. “Dude, you’re a fucking genius!”
Ten minutes later, Yixing is coming out of the bathroom in a triumphant stride.
“Okay, so now this,” Kyungsoo says, holding up a pair of nail clippers. “To cut the bag when you get there.”
Yixing grabs them, “Where do I put this?”
Kyungsoo and Baekhyun exchange glances. In the living room, a faint Yeah mom, I cleaned all my underwear is heard.
“Well, we figured you’d just, like, put it with the bag.”
Yixing pales and reenters the bathroom.
Five minutes laters he comes back out, hand in his pants still arranging the small storage space.
“Is it comfortable?” Baekhyun asks.
Yixing shoots him a stare and is about to retort with something that probably isn’t too nice when his eyes go wide and his hand flies to his crotch.
“Yixing… Yixing, what?”
Realization dawns on everyone as Yixing strips off his pants in front of the toilet without closing the door, nail clipper clanking to the floor.
“Dude, did you just piss yourself?”
“Well, technically since it’s my piss, I just pissed on him,” Kyungsoo says matter-of-factly before realizing just how bizarre and disgusting that sounds. “This is why I was saying we should use two bags instead of one!”
☼
Once the bag has been fortified and all the necessarily materials have been replaced in Yixings underpants, they begin looking for the address for the testing area.
Kyungsoo looks up from his phone with that stare he gets when he just thought of something that’s probably way ahead of anything the rest of them could come up with. “Guys, we should have just used syringes.”
The other two wait for him to continue, hearing Junmyeon in the background mutter No mom, don’t send me another box of prunes.
“Like, you just put it in the syringe and then you don’t have to cut it or anything. And it streams like the real thing.”
Baekhyun and Yixing look amazed at Kyungsoo’s ideas, as usual. At that moment, Junmyeon walks in through the door, putting his phone in his pocket. “We’re using syringes now?”
They decide against it, mostly because Yixing isn’t really sure of the location of the nail clipper anymore. They all leave the house together, agreeing to go with Yixing to provide moral support.
Baekhyun closes the door, turning to the rest of them confidently.
“There’s no way this could go wrong.”
pairing: baekhyun/yixing/kyungsoo/junmyeon friendship mostly (changes in other parts)
rating: r
genre: humor, slice of life, au
length: ~1.3k
warnings: lots of drugs and lots of piss
summary: yixing has to take a drug test. chaos ensues. part of a set of one shots and drabbles that revolve around most of exo (especially baekhyun, yixing, kyungsoo, junmyeon, and chanyeol) in college. they drink a lot, they smoke a lot, and in general they get themselves in pretty stupid situations.
a/n: i don't know if this will ever have a plot, but it'll almost always make as little sense as possible and almost always make you laugh. enjoy!
light one up
Yixing is at their house on Saturday. A wave of exams had just ended and they were looking forward to unwinding and not doing the homework for the next unit. Yixing, in post-exam euphoria, offered to smoke everyone out. So on Saturday, he’s lighting a long and thick joint (that he rolled himself, of course) between his lips when his phone rings. Joint still in his mouth, he brings the phone to his ear.
“Huh?” He grunts.
Baekhyun is on the couch, typing on his phone and occasionally sneaking peeks at Yixing, trying to overhear the conversation. Chanyeol is on the floor, reaching his hand into a box of cereal and eating it, staring absentmindedly at the wall. Suddenly, Yixing’s eyes go wide, the end of the joint turning bright red, burning into his mouth excessively. He hangs up the phone, bringing it away from his face slowly.
“What? What happened? Yixing, what?” Baekhyun says excitedly.
Yixing opens his mouth, cloud of smoke coming out and engulfing his face in a white puff, “I have to take a drug test on Monday.”
☼
One joint later, Baekhyun is pacing around Yixing, who is nervously biting his nails and scrolling through google pages on his computer.
“This’ll be fine, we can think of something. Have you found anything?”
Yixing looks up from his computer, “Only things for people who have weeks, not two days!”
Baekhyun rubs his temples. He looks over at Chanyeol and jabs him with a toe.
“Hey, Yeol, do you know how to pass a drug test?” It would only make sense that he would, considering just how often he smokes.
Chanyeol just keeps staring at the wall, chewing cereal, until Baekhyun jabs him, harder this time, shaking him from his trance.
“Huh?”
“Drug test,” Baekhyun snaps.
“Oh drug tests,” he laughs, shaking his head. “I failed a drug test once…”
Baekhyun brings his palm to his face, groaning in frustration. “We’re so fucked.”
At that moment, the door jiggles and flies open. Kyungsoo comes in, sniffing the air and scrunching his nose, “It smells like fucking weed in here.”
Three pairs of eyes turn to look at him.
“What?”
Yixing looks at Baekhyun, smiling. “Dude…”
“Yeah…” They both turn to look at Kyungsoo.
“What?” He asks, looking between the two. “What?!”
☼
When Monday rolls around, Baekhyun and Yixing are in the living room looking up the address for the drug test. They’re still freaking out, having read too much about the consequences of bringing someone else’s urine.
“Just drink a lot of water, dude,” Baekhyun suggests, looking up like it should have been painfully obvious.
Yixing shakes his head, “No dude, they count diluted pee as a failed test. People do that shit all the time.”
“So take one of those fucking super cleansing smoothies.”
Yixing just stares at him, mouth gaping, and then walks over to research on his computer. “We should just stick to the original plan.”
Baekhyun sighs and gestures at his room. They walk over and enter the room to a napping Junmyeon.
As they come in, Junmyeon’s eyes open barely, staring at the two boys coming directly towards him.
“Can we have some of your pee?” Baekhyun asks, face uncomfortably close and voice way too loud for someone who just woke up. Junmyeon just stares at him, squinting and opening his mouth as if to talk. He then shakes his head and turns around, pulling the sheet over his head.
They look at each other, then over at Kyungsoo’s door. For a second, it almost feels like the room gets colder. They walk over together, hesitantly knocking.
Kyungsoo emerges, hair messy from sleep and his face puffy.
“Can we have some of your pee?” Baekhyun blurts, figuring it’s just better to get it over with. Kyungsoo looks angrily at them, grumbling as he walks to the kitchen, takes something from the cupboard and then locks himself in his room.
Yixing and Baekhyun are back in the living room, contemplating Yixing’s quickly approaching demise, when Kyungsoo comes in with a zip lock bag filled with a yellow liquid.
“I have your pee,” he announces. Yixing and Baekhyun look at each other and start jumping up and down, cheering loudly.
Junmyeon comes into the room, rubbing sleep out of his eyes, “Did Kyungsoo just give you his fucking piss?” He doesn’t wait for an answer, knows he won’t get one anyway, because he learned long ago to stifle any doubts he might have about the actual reality of the situations he got into with these kids.
☼
All of them are sitting in the living room around the ziplock bag of piss.
“So,” Kyungsoo starts, furrowing his eyebrows, “how do we like. Do this.”
“Well, it needs to stay warm to be valid,” Yixing announces, with almost too much knowledge to make anyone in the room comfortable. “So I guess--”
“Put it under your balls, dude.”
Everyone turns to look at Baekhyun. He reaches over, grabbing the warm bag and folding it over, careful not to spill the liquid. “You fold it over and you just,” he gestures as if putting something into his pants, “right there. Snug in your ballsack.”
There is silence in the room for long enough that Baekhyun thinks maybe he might have accidentally said something in gibberish but then Yixing’s face lights up, goofy grin engulfing his whole face. “Dude, you’re a fucking genius!”
Ten minutes later, Yixing is coming out of the bathroom in a triumphant stride.
“Okay, so now this,” Kyungsoo says, holding up a pair of nail clippers. “To cut the bag when you get there.”
Yixing grabs them, “Where do I put this?”
Kyungsoo and Baekhyun exchange glances. In the living room, a faint Yeah mom, I cleaned all my underwear is heard.
“Well, we figured you’d just, like, put it with the bag.”
Yixing pales and reenters the bathroom.
Five minutes laters he comes back out, hand in his pants still arranging the small storage space.
“Is it comfortable?” Baekhyun asks.
Yixing shoots him a stare and is about to retort with something that probably isn’t too nice when his eyes go wide and his hand flies to his crotch.
“Yixing… Yixing, what?”
Realization dawns on everyone as Yixing strips off his pants in front of the toilet without closing the door, nail clipper clanking to the floor.
“Dude, did you just piss yourself?”
“Well, technically since it’s my piss, I just pissed on him,” Kyungsoo says matter-of-factly before realizing just how bizarre and disgusting that sounds. “This is why I was saying we should use two bags instead of one!”
☼
Once the bag has been fortified and all the necessarily materials have been replaced in Yixings underpants, they begin looking for the address for the testing area.
Kyungsoo looks up from his phone with that stare he gets when he just thought of something that’s probably way ahead of anything the rest of them could come up with. “Guys, we should have just used syringes.”
The other two wait for him to continue, hearing Junmyeon in the background mutter No mom, don’t send me another box of prunes.
“Like, you just put it in the syringe and then you don’t have to cut it or anything. And it streams like the real thing.”
Baekhyun and Yixing look amazed at Kyungsoo’s ideas, as usual. At that moment, Junmyeon walks in through the door, putting his phone in his pocket. “We’re using syringes now?”
They decide against it, mostly because Yixing isn’t really sure of the location of the nail clipper anymore. They all leave the house together, agreeing to go with Yixing to provide moral support.
Baekhyun closes the door, turning to the rest of them confidently.
“There’s no way this could go wrong.”